After Shock

Something that comes up with a lot of "lifers" or "thrivers" or those with terminal cancer* is that things are quite different from those with early stage or curable cancers.  We're the taboo cancer, the cancers that don't go away for good after our treatment.  Treatment is for the rest of our life, whether that is days, months, or years.  As much as people want to support you, the mass populace is all gun-ho to help the second you are initially diagnosed.  That's when they understand you'll be starting treatments so you will be sick or tired or busy with multiple appointments with multiple doctors.  Add a couple months and they seem to lose interest in assisting you with what really dogs many young adults with cancer: finances.  They are used to you having cancer now.  This is the After Shock of Diagnosis.

Cancer costs a lot.  It can cost your life, but before that there are expenses like: treatments that your province/insurance does not cover, parking, gas to get to the never ending appointments, transit passes, car repairs/maintenance from having to drive to those appointments, meals when you're just too weak or depressed to cook, childcare, and so much more.  All these things add up quick and your debt gets larger and larger.  A lot of young adults get diagnosed before they even thought of getting life insurance or they are diagnosed before the probation period and the coverage is canceled.  That means once we're gone our families will be left in debt.

I have killed my pride and tried the gofundme route.  I have asked for help.  I am fortunate that I have a few friends that are sticking by me but it's the same ones each time and I cannot see them go in debt trying to help me.  Will not rob Peter to pay Paul.  This is something that isn't going to stop, at least not until I die.  I really am running out of options, everything I'm attempting fails.  I cannot work due to injury.  I cannot sell my art.  I cannot sell my possessions.  I cannot get a gofundme to work.  Where do I go now?

Where am I going with this?  No idea.  I'm angry and frustrated.  I needed to complain. 

*A lot of people use different labels for living with cancer

Death - *some not so delightful language included

It's that taboo thing that most people will zone out the second you start to try to talk about.  It's that dark, looming shadow in the back of your head that comes out when you're at your lowest.  Death is something that we all will come to face but that no one likes to talk about.  I have to think about it.  A lot of my friends do.  We're terminal.  Despite all the other issues we may face, we will either die from our cancer, an accident, or if we're lucky from old age.

No what sucks?  I got cancer in my twenties, I never got life insurance then.  I was waiting for my 5 year mark of no cancer to try for something after having cancer, but at 4.5 years my cancer came back.  Now I'm terminal.  Does that mean I'll die tomorrow?  Hopefully not.  Does it mean I'll die in three years, who knows?  But I'm living with cancer.  I'm living with a ticking time bomb that no one has the defuse code for.  As far as insurance companies care, I'm already dead, they don't want to touch me.

So I have a gofundme going, I thought if I could get our bills down.  If I could take that away from the cancer, I would not feel like such an ass when it comes my time.  Cancer expenses aren't just chemo and the pills to help you cope with it.  Cancer is gas money to the hospital for all appointments and scans.  Cancer is daycare so you don't have kids in tow while the oncologist explains that the cancer is showing an "evolution".  Cancer is eating away all your savings so that your family is left with nothing afterwards.  Cancer is not having the energy to do things normal young adults can do on their own.  Cancer is not being able to make food some days and needing to rely on frozen dinners or take out.  Cancer is asking so many people for help that all pride is gone.  Cancer is bawling in a private place because you're tired of being tired, sore, and feeling like a burden.  So yeah...  I started the gofundme to try to make some of that horrible feeling go away.  Unfortunately it's not doing so great.  It was at first, but it's died down now.  It made one month less horrible, so I'm thankful for that.

Cancer is also sitting on the couch watching a show with the Grim Reaper eating popcorn as they watch the cells in your body trying to take over.

I will die.  Will I go to Heaven?  Maybe the afterlife is a bit different.  I believe Albert Einstein was the one that theorized that energy cannot truly die, it continues, it spreads out into the world and space.  The human brain is energy, all those electrical connections that make up you and your thoughts.  Perhaps that is your soul, the energy that makes up your brain, so when your body is returning to the soil, your energy, your soul, leaves your brain and drifts off.  Do you retain your consciousness?  Who knows.

This post is also inspired by getting too many emails and messages that people have died that I know.  Some from cancer, some chose their day to die and had their assisted deaths, some committed suicide, and some from horrible accidents or other health issues.  Either way, I'm surrounded by death.  It's around me and within me.  This is what I live with every day.  Don't take this as a sign that I'll be looking to make an end, cancer chose the wrong bitch to fuck with.  I like life.  I am married to my soulmate, I have great kids that are also assholes at times but I love them more than I can explain, I like cheesecake and rum too much to give them up forever like that.

I'm not sure how to end this post.  I'm not sure where I'm going from here, but I've put my thoughts out there, into the interwebs.  Farewell words I've typed, perhaps you will do some good out there.

Why Should You Shave for the Brave?

Wondering if you should participate in a Shave for the Brave?  Here's a few reasons to sign up for the razor:

• A shaved head is a great way to cool off in the summer
• Savings: think of all the money you won't be spending on shampoo!
• Less to pack. When traveling you won't need to remember a brush or comb
• No hair to hide your funky and classy earrings
• Saves time getting ready in the morning, no brushing or styling hair
• Shaving for the Brave means that other people are paying for you to get your hair cut
• As your hair grows in you can try funky colours and if you don't like them, you can just shave it off, again.
• Bald is beautiful: Just look at these ladies to name a few. Of course who could deny the beauty of Lupita Nyong'o or Danai Gurira
• Many women see bald men as attractive, just look at Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, and Jason Statham
• You can cosplay a lot more characters
• Wigs look a lot better when you wear them without hair underneath

And one of the biggest and best reasons to Shave for the Brave:

All the young adult Canadians that you'll help connect through Young Adult Cancer Canada's conferences and retreats.  It'll give you the warm fuzzies ;)