So cancer is back. And, with my case, cancer means chemo. This chemo will, once again, mean no hair. Of course, everyone says, "It's just hair." They mean well, they really do. They are trying to help cheer me up, help me cope with what I have to deal with. What they don't know is what the hair means to me.
When I first started chemo back in 2010, I donated 20" of my hair to be made into a wig for someone else with cancer and still had hair to my chin. I always had long hair. After all this time, my hair was finally to my bra line. Now I'm losing my hair once more. What was my hair? It was recognition of time since chemo. I had grown that much since the cancer was evicted from my body, and I don't just mean the hair. I had taken that much back from all that cancer and the treatments took from me.
My hair was a trophy. My hair was a badge of survival. My hair was a sign of what I was trying for in a post cancer life. My hair was a revival of the past. Now, I lose it. It will take me years to get back to this stage. I might never get back to this stage, and that's another thing that non-cancer people will not understand. I might be stuck on drugs and treatments that will never let me have any semblance of the appearance I have become accustomed to. I might never look like I do now ever again.
Yes, it is just hair. Yes, I might be able to grow it back. But I might not be able to. And, for now, I will be looking in the mirror and seeing someone with no hair. Someone that all her life up until 2010, had had long hair. I will find a way to cope, but it doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with.
But deal with it I will. I might be living with cancer, but I will be living.
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
Shave Time
Well... It's back. Cancer has taken residence in my ribs and lungs. I'm currently undergoing radiation therapy, but I just found out that I'm going to be having chemotherapy, again. Before I lose my hair I want to put it to use so I'm having a solo Shave for the Brave. Please consider supporting my endeavour here:
Julie's Shave Page
Thanks for your support!
Julie's Shave Page
Thanks for your support!
Thursday, 2 April 2015
Conquer Cancer
Many get hung up on the title of calling those with or that had cancer survivors, but what if we looked passed that for a moment. What about the word we use for the journey of having cancer that many of us that actually have/had cancer despise? "Battling" cancer. It's somewhat hated because it means that if you "lose your battle" then you are, in fact, a loser. Cancer won, it is the winner, not you. What if we conquered cancer instead of battled it?
You can conquer something without destroying it. You can place your expectations, your realities, you bend it to your will and not the other way around. You claim victory over it. You overcome it. You conquer your cancer.
Isn't that a better way to look at those of us that face cancer? It doesn't matter if we are living with our cancer, if we evicted it, or if we die due to complications from it. We can still conquer our cancer. We didn't lose a battle, we mastered our cancer. We lived every day and faced every treatment or obstacle. We stopped letting cancer call the shots, we made cancer concede to our wills.
We are Cancer Conquerors. We will not let it conquer us. We will live, we will prosper, we will thrive!
You can conquer something without destroying it. You can place your expectations, your realities, you bend it to your will and not the other way around. You claim victory over it. You overcome it. You conquer your cancer.
Isn't that a better way to look at those of us that face cancer? It doesn't matter if we are living with our cancer, if we evicted it, or if we die due to complications from it. We can still conquer our cancer. We didn't lose a battle, we mastered our cancer. We lived every day and faced every treatment or obstacle. We stopped letting cancer call the shots, we made cancer concede to our wills.
We are Cancer Conquerors. We will not let it conquer us. We will live, we will prosper, we will thrive!
Thursday, 5 March 2015
Dilemma - internal struggle
As previously stated, I'm lucky enough to be pregnant, again. Our new little one is expected in mid-spring. I am excited for that, except for one thing, it's causing me to have some emotional distress. Most would say, of course having a third child when you are permanently disabled, your husband is in the Navy, and you need to find ways to make your older house work for a big family, would cause some emotional distress. That's not the part that is bothering me the most. I will find a way to make everything work, that's the way my mind works. I see problems and do my best to find logical or even totally out-of-the-box, zany ideas to help find a solution. I've always been like that. But now, I'm facing something where the only solution is the one thing I do not want to do. Let me explain further:
In late May YACC is having their Survivor Conference in Toronto. I have attended this every year since my diagnosis. One year it was canceled, that broke a lot of our hearts, but they needed to do it. In that case there was nothing that could be done about it. I couldn't attend another Retreat, those are a one shot thing, unless there are re-occurrences or the like. This time, this time... This time I face three options for Conference.
1. Attend Conference solo as I have the other years and pretend I can leave with a potentially two week old at home with my husband and not have my heart ripped apart from being separated from my new family.
2. Attend Conference with my husband and bring along our new son... A two week old... Either drive to Ontario or take a two week old on a flight... And stay in a hotel that isn't that well set up (last I saw it) for caring for young children.
3. Don't go.
Of course a lot of readers will say, "Duh, you go with choice number three!" There's a small problem with that. This is the one time of the year I get to see my friends through YACC. The one time of the year where we are all cancer survivors, all young adults, all dealing with the isolation we have all year long. We are at different stages in our lives/cancer journey, but we're not being surrounded with 60 and 70 year olds, telling us that we're "so young", "well don't worry about that, I didn't", and "you won't want to worry about those things once your older". We're able to meet up and celebrate being around for another year, able to mourn as a group all those we lost since last year, and able to draw on each others strength to make it another 365 days until we get to feel that empty spot in our lives filled, again.
Yes, I should not give it a second thought. I should just say that I, logically, need to go with option number three... As I sit at home and have tears running down my face. As my heart breaks once more, like when I found out we would not be having a Conference the next year. It's just not seeing those friends again. It's just not seeing that family, because they are more than simply friends. It's just not connecting with those new people, giving them friendship and hope. It's just being scared of who won't be there next year when I might be able to go. It's just one more year. Just a broken heart. It'll just mend with time, I hope. Until then, I'm just lost inside.
In late May YACC is having their Survivor Conference in Toronto. I have attended this every year since my diagnosis. One year it was canceled, that broke a lot of our hearts, but they needed to do it. In that case there was nothing that could be done about it. I couldn't attend another Retreat, those are a one shot thing, unless there are re-occurrences or the like. This time, this time... This time I face three options for Conference.
1. Attend Conference solo as I have the other years and pretend I can leave with a potentially two week old at home with my husband and not have my heart ripped apart from being separated from my new family.
2. Attend Conference with my husband and bring along our new son... A two week old... Either drive to Ontario or take a two week old on a flight... And stay in a hotel that isn't that well set up (last I saw it) for caring for young children.
3. Don't go.
Of course a lot of readers will say, "Duh, you go with choice number three!" There's a small problem with that. This is the one time of the year I get to see my friends through YACC. The one time of the year where we are all cancer survivors, all young adults, all dealing with the isolation we have all year long. We are at different stages in our lives/cancer journey, but we're not being surrounded with 60 and 70 year olds, telling us that we're "so young", "well don't worry about that, I didn't", and "you won't want to worry about those things once your older". We're able to meet up and celebrate being around for another year, able to mourn as a group all those we lost since last year, and able to draw on each others strength to make it another 365 days until we get to feel that empty spot in our lives filled, again.
Yes, I should not give it a second thought. I should just say that I, logically, need to go with option number three... As I sit at home and have tears running down my face. As my heart breaks once more, like when I found out we would not be having a Conference the next year. It's just not seeing those friends again. It's just not seeing that family, because they are more than simply friends. It's just not connecting with those new people, giving them friendship and hope. It's just being scared of who won't be there next year when I might be able to go. It's just one more year. Just a broken heart. It'll just mend with time, I hope. Until then, I'm just lost inside.
Wednesday, 28 January 2015
Shave-in-waiting?
I'm thinking of participating in a Shave For the Brave for YACC. I wouldn't be shaving it all, however, that's still a little scary for me right now. I can, however, donate 10" minimum of hair. There is no big shaves happening in Halifax right now, so I am hoping to find a few friends that want to participate, or maybe an organization/school/workplace that would like to follow suit.
For timing, I am hoping to have this done late March or before the end of April. The baby is due May 15th, so I'd like to have it done well before Malcolm makes his appearance. (Yes, it's a boy and we're naming him Malcolm). Short hair can help with caring for a newborn, frig, my daughter is still going through a bit of a hair pulling phase.
If you know of anyone that would like to help out young adults with cancer to connect, feel less isolated, and more informed, please contact me, especially if you're willing to join up with me in this Shave. You don't need to shave, you can donate a minimum of 10" or you can hunt out people to shave/donate, instead. Lots of options and they all help people like me cope with having cancer.
For timing, I am hoping to have this done late March or before the end of April. The baby is due May 15th, so I'd like to have it done well before Malcolm makes his appearance. (Yes, it's a boy and we're naming him Malcolm). Short hair can help with caring for a newborn, frig, my daughter is still going through a bit of a hair pulling phase.
If you know of anyone that would like to help out young adults with cancer to connect, feel less isolated, and more informed, please contact me, especially if you're willing to join up with me in this Shave. You don't need to shave, you can donate a minimum of 10" or you can hunt out people to shave/donate, instead. Lots of options and they all help people like me cope with having cancer.
*Click the links above for more info on Shaves and YACC*
Sunday, 11 January 2015
Surprise!
I had a surprise pop up back in September, a week before I was scheduled to have my breast implants exchanged. I was anxiously awaiting the surgery, it was very close to the last step of my reconstruction. I had been having issues for over six months, however. (Get ready to cringe guys). My periods were shortening greatly, only a couple days at a time, and they were much more frequent. One month I had two, another I had three. My gp arranged for me to see a gynecologist in at the IWK to see what was going on.
I had a lot going through my mind. There was the less severe things like going into menopause early because of the chemotherapy back in 2010/2011. Another much more terrifying thought was that cancer found a new home and had started up this change in my body. My husband was trying to help me stay positive, but he's realistic like me, so he was trying to see all possible angles, as well. Of course, the day before my appointment he says one possibility that I had not given a single thought, and quickly dismissed. I'll elaborate shortly.
I have the gyno my history, the elaborate story of my cancer journey, including the birth of my daughter post cancer. At the gyno's I had a test that was routine, just a precaution, that they had to always preform. The gyno came in the room, preparing to do a scraping of my uterus to test for a few things, including types of cancer. She looked at the test, so did the nurse. My gyno says, "What does the second line mean?" The nurse is still staring at the test, "It means she's pregnant." My reaction? "What do you mean there's a second line?? That wasn't there a second ago."
Sure enough, my husband jinxed me. He had asked me the day before, "What if you're pregnant?" I said to him that this had been going on for close to 6 months, if I was pregnant I'd be showing just a little by now. Besides, we had been using protection. I refuse to use birth control pills since cancer, but they claim that condoms are 99.9% effective. Well, guess what, we're that magical 0.1%.
The funny thing, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. I'm not sure what was causing my issue for the previous 6 months, but it had not been the pregnancy. Everything medical got put on hold. No surgery could happen after they knew I was pregnant. Luckily, I could still get the injections for my back and shoulder while pregnant, so that was a lifesaver at least. But, the reconstruction is on hold again, and I was not looking forward to how my injuries from the car accident would be paining me throughout the pregnancy.
This was a big surprise, we didn't plan on having more children. We had talked about it for months and decided to leave our family at four, not five, just us and the two kids. I had started gathering all my maternity clothes to take to my friend's consignment shop in Dartmouth, we were going to next start gathering the baby items and clothes to clear out. As luck would have it we had not quite done any of that yet.
We're trying to figure this all out as we go. Part of our reasoning before for staying a family of four had been my condition with my back and shoulder, but that is out the window, now. I'll get to test my ability to withstand pain as I will have three munchkins to take care of. Thank heavens I have my hubby, and my parents and siblings close by.
Let the next adventure begin!
I had a lot going through my mind. There was the less severe things like going into menopause early because of the chemotherapy back in 2010/2011. Another much more terrifying thought was that cancer found a new home and had started up this change in my body. My husband was trying to help me stay positive, but he's realistic like me, so he was trying to see all possible angles, as well. Of course, the day before my appointment he says one possibility that I had not given a single thought, and quickly dismissed. I'll elaborate shortly.
I have the gyno my history, the elaborate story of my cancer journey, including the birth of my daughter post cancer. At the gyno's I had a test that was routine, just a precaution, that they had to always preform. The gyno came in the room, preparing to do a scraping of my uterus to test for a few things, including types of cancer. She looked at the test, so did the nurse. My gyno says, "What does the second line mean?" The nurse is still staring at the test, "It means she's pregnant." My reaction? "What do you mean there's a second line?? That wasn't there a second ago."
Sure enough, my husband jinxed me. He had asked me the day before, "What if you're pregnant?" I said to him that this had been going on for close to 6 months, if I was pregnant I'd be showing just a little by now. Besides, we had been using protection. I refuse to use birth control pills since cancer, but they claim that condoms are 99.9% effective. Well, guess what, we're that magical 0.1%.
The funny thing, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. I'm not sure what was causing my issue for the previous 6 months, but it had not been the pregnancy. Everything medical got put on hold. No surgery could happen after they knew I was pregnant. Luckily, I could still get the injections for my back and shoulder while pregnant, so that was a lifesaver at least. But, the reconstruction is on hold again, and I was not looking forward to how my injuries from the car accident would be paining me throughout the pregnancy.
This was a big surprise, we didn't plan on having more children. We had talked about it for months and decided to leave our family at four, not five, just us and the two kids. I had started gathering all my maternity clothes to take to my friend's consignment shop in Dartmouth, we were going to next start gathering the baby items and clothes to clear out. As luck would have it we had not quite done any of that yet.
We're trying to figure this all out as we go. Part of our reasoning before for staying a family of four had been my condition with my back and shoulder, but that is out the window, now. I'll get to test my ability to withstand pain as I will have three munchkins to take care of. Thank heavens I have my hubby, and my parents and siblings close by.
Let the next adventure begin!
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Thankful 2014
I'm thankful for naps.
I'm thankful for family, both by blood and by friendship.
I'm thankful for a husband that understands me. He knows I try my best and even though I'm not capable of the things I was when we first married, he loves me no matter what.
I'm thankful for my kids, they drive me nuts sometimes but they also bring a lot of joy.
I'm thankful for a day in age where we can communicate across cities, countries, oceans, with relative ease, and we can communicate with people we admire, remembering they are human, too.
I'm thankful for my artistic abilities.
I'm thankful that I had intelligent doctors that knew the best way to save me from my cancer.
I'm thankful that I have met people that understand both cancer and getting disabilities from an MVA.
I'm thankful for Lolcats, I Can Has Cheezburger has brought me so much joy!
I'm thankful for cats.
I'm thankful that YACC exists and helps me to this day.
I'm thankful for books, written on paper, taking me away whenever possible.
I'm thankful for a house with heat in the winter and cooling in the summer.
I'm thankful for people like R A Salvatore, Tarol Hunt, Lar and Sohmer, and many more filling the world with beautiful stories.
I'm thankful I am here to write this, and that you are here to read it.
I'm thankful for family, both by blood and by friendship.
I'm thankful for a husband that understands me. He knows I try my best and even though I'm not capable of the things I was when we first married, he loves me no matter what.
I'm thankful for my kids, they drive me nuts sometimes but they also bring a lot of joy.
I'm thankful for a day in age where we can communicate across cities, countries, oceans, with relative ease, and we can communicate with people we admire, remembering they are human, too.
I'm thankful for my artistic abilities.
I'm thankful that I had intelligent doctors that knew the best way to save me from my cancer.
I'm thankful that I have met people that understand both cancer and getting disabilities from an MVA.
I'm thankful for Lolcats, I Can Has Cheezburger has brought me so much joy!
I'm thankful for cats.
I'm thankful that YACC exists and helps me to this day.
I'm thankful for books, written on paper, taking me away whenever possible.
I'm thankful for a house with heat in the winter and cooling in the summer.
I'm thankful for people like R A Salvatore, Tarol Hunt, Lar and Sohmer, and many more filling the world with beautiful stories.
I'm thankful I am here to write this, and that you are here to read it.
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