I guess it's something that I have asked many times. When is enough, enough? When should I just say, okay, I need to stop? When should I tell myself to cut the stress off? When should I give up?
It's not always about something big and important. Small things should be easy to say "That's it" to but that's not always the way. I had a couple instances where I knew right away that the line was crossed. I acted accordingly. I find myself, however, constantly turning back to this question at some point in the year.
To be a bit morbid on the subject, this is something that any advanced cancer patient has to face. When will there be no more options? What will I do then? Will I choose to end things on my terms or to let nature seize me? What is too much when it comes to treatment side effects? When is the quality of life diminished to the point of not being life any longer? It's something no one should have to face and decide on. But some of us do.
On a less deadly topic, sometimes you do your best but the effects are toxic and you need to just walk away. It can be a relationship, a job, a career, a hobby, a volunteer event, or a situation that you turned around and realized you fell into it long ago. In those instances it is best for your mental sanity to try to stop. That's when you need to look out for your mental well-being. The stress that something, even out of good intentions, has turned toxic and it can do a lot to you. Stress can effect a lot of your body and you don't generally realize it until you get a chance to detox. If you step away from the cause, sometimes just as your mind has decided that you finally need to stop, that can start the healing process.
Once you have accepted the path you need to take, even if it means burning bridges, or temporarily cutting ties, you might find the air less dense or less thin as it had been. Your shoulders may stop slumping. Your heart might feel lighter. It'll still take time to fully recover, but you might be able to feel that you did what was best for you and your well-being. Even if it isn't the best for all parties involved.
Wednesday, 25 January 2017
Tuesday, 29 November 2016
Wednesday, 26 October 2016
Ramblings - Oct 2016
Today I had my sons out to a small play room at a mall. We had some time to kill till it was time to pick up my daughter. There was already two women with their young infants (both around 9 months or younger) in the room chatting back and forth.
As my two boys flitted around from toy to toy, enjoying themselves but being wary of the babies and not getting in their way, I couldn't help but hear a lot of the chatter from the other mothers. Talk of losing the baby weight finally, the trials of going back to work, something about the fathers... I tend to try to block out when people talk about their husbands... I'll tell you why in a moment, but first, my first thoughts as I heard their banter.
The women spoke to each other with such tension about how they would breastfeed while trying to work and how exhausting it is to "try to do it all", and all I'm thinking is, "I wish that was all I had to deal with." I found myself wondering if they would react the same way if they knew what some parents go through that are their age. If they had a baby and were trying to figure out how to get to radiation appointments. If they had a toddler and needed to get their port flushed. If they had to miss reading their children bedtime stories because they were sick from chemotherapy. If they didn't have a choice about breastfeeding because they no longer had breasts.
I'm not saying their issues are not valid. They have every right to gripe about the stressors in their lives, we all do. What I'm saying is people constantly look at me with wide eyes and respond stuff like, "It puts things into perspective", when they hear I have cancer. I know what they're getting at but does everyone really need to have that reality check? Why can't I wish that that was the only problems I had and not feel guilty that if I did mention my cancer that the ensuing gasps and pity party would follow... and they most always do... Can't I mention my cancer and not have them instantly want to take back all their griping? I'm jumping around here... Let's backtrack to another train of thought for a sec.
The husband thing. I don't like listening to when strangers talk about their spouses, especially to other women because they badmouth them so much. They complain and bitch about so many things, and the listener responds like it's an acceptable occurrence!! A husband is not your "biggest child", and if they act like one, tell them to grow up or get out. Your husband is your partner, and if you guys don't understand that, then it's time to start talking to each other. It's okay if you have chores split as best as you both can manage, but don't act like a marriage is babysitting someone for life. And don't bad mouth your spouse behind his back like that. That's horrendous! If you say stuff like that, especially around your kids (!!!!), then what picture are you painting of the "love of your life" to people? You may not like it but you guys need to get to marriage counseling, and that's fine. Every marriage is different and you both need to learn how to communicate with each other.
Anywho, that's some rants for now... Now bed...
As my two boys flitted around from toy to toy, enjoying themselves but being wary of the babies and not getting in their way, I couldn't help but hear a lot of the chatter from the other mothers. Talk of losing the baby weight finally, the trials of going back to work, something about the fathers... I tend to try to block out when people talk about their husbands... I'll tell you why in a moment, but first, my first thoughts as I heard their banter.
The women spoke to each other with such tension about how they would breastfeed while trying to work and how exhausting it is to "try to do it all", and all I'm thinking is, "I wish that was all I had to deal with." I found myself wondering if they would react the same way if they knew what some parents go through that are their age. If they had a baby and were trying to figure out how to get to radiation appointments. If they had a toddler and needed to get their port flushed. If they had to miss reading their children bedtime stories because they were sick from chemotherapy. If they didn't have a choice about breastfeeding because they no longer had breasts.
I'm not saying their issues are not valid. They have every right to gripe about the stressors in their lives, we all do. What I'm saying is people constantly look at me with wide eyes and respond stuff like, "It puts things into perspective", when they hear I have cancer. I know what they're getting at but does everyone really need to have that reality check? Why can't I wish that that was the only problems I had and not feel guilty that if I did mention my cancer that the ensuing gasps and pity party would follow... and they most always do... Can't I mention my cancer and not have them instantly want to take back all their griping? I'm jumping around here... Let's backtrack to another train of thought for a sec.
The husband thing. I don't like listening to when strangers talk about their spouses, especially to other women because they badmouth them so much. They complain and bitch about so many things, and the listener responds like it's an acceptable occurrence!! A husband is not your "biggest child", and if they act like one, tell them to grow up or get out. Your husband is your partner, and if you guys don't understand that, then it's time to start talking to each other. It's okay if you have chores split as best as you both can manage, but don't act like a marriage is babysitting someone for life. And don't bad mouth your spouse behind his back like that. That's horrendous! If you say stuff like that, especially around your kids (!!!!), then what picture are you painting of the "love of your life" to people? You may not like it but you guys need to get to marriage counseling, and that's fine. Every marriage is different and you both need to learn how to communicate with each other.
Anywho, that's some rants for now... Now bed...
Monday, 12 September 2016
Anniversaries
Tomorrow is an anniversary for me. It's not my wedding anniversary, not my birthday, nothing like that. Tomorrow will have been 6 years since I heard something. Since I heard that the lump in me was cancer.
I've had lots of different chemotherapies and radiation. I've had days I couldn't get out of bed for more than to go pee. I've had days that I desperately wanted to be normal again. But I never get the typical normal life again. Even with stable scans my life won't be like the average 35 year old. I have cancer. I'll always have cancer. But I'm not cancer.
I play with my children, I play with my husband, I live, I breathe, I do my best to be present. I've had a couple years with no tumours but that time is gone. Now I hope for years of stability, for I know not when the chemo will fail me.
6 years. That's more than a lot of my friends were given. Happy anniversary.
Saturday, 10 September 2016
Realities of metastatic cancer
Having metastatic cancer is smiling when your family can laugh when you're not in the room because that means they'll be happy even after you're gone
Tuesday, 23 August 2016
Busy waiting
I'm currently trying to type this through tears, so I don't know how well it'll go.
I'm waiting on a call from the vet. One of my cats has a broken femur. It's not the first one for her, either, and that's part of the heart ache. We don't know why she's breaking bones. One thing the vet said, hesitantly, is that she could have osteocarcinoma. If that's not spelt right I don't care right now. I hate cancer. I hate that my cat that has been always ready to curl in my lap or onto my shoulder and purr her head off is suffering.
The call from the vet will say one of two things, the specialty surgeon will meet to discuss possible surgery, or that she is not a candidate and we need to look at putting her down. So either it will be go beyond debt or kill my furkid... My husband and I are in turmoil, we love this cat, she is our furkid, she might die soon. We have to make that choice, shortly.
My heart is breaking. And to top things off, I'm going for a ct scan tomorrow to find out if my cancer is spreading. I'm lost, so lost. I wish I knew what to do.
Thursday, 11 August 2016
A Smile
I don't know if it is because of my post yesterday but there started being some activity on our Meal Train page yesterday. If you don't know what Meal Train is, it's a site that you can set up and people pick a day to make a meal for a person/family. My son's teacher started one for us last year after several parents had asked if there was any way they could help. It's been a great relief for us, it's anything from home cooked meals, gift cards so we can enjoy a night out with the family, or take out brought straight to us. I cannot be more grateful for their kindness and open hearts. And so I say thank you to those of you that take time out of your day to think of someone else, those that understand that living with cancer is a trial to begin with and adding physical disabilities just compounds that, those that wish to bring a ray of light to those that feel stuck in the dark pit of despair.
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