Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Depression and feeling useless

I'd say "sorry", but I'm really not.  This post will not be filled with the humour a lot expect of me.  It's a vent, a rant, but not where I express my anger for all those that think they have more intelligence than those that have studied actual information, not misinformation...  That's another rant.

Depression can come on in many ways.  It has different effects on the body for each person.  Mine makes me low, I forget to eat because I'm not hungry, I cry a lot (reasons to follow, but they linger in my head like a pet dog that knows you're about to eat), I show no emotion, I pull out masks from my past so that I can appear "normal" and not have to deal with the "help" people think is useful...  There's more but it's digging a deeper hole just typing this.

Some of the reasons I'm depressed lately, that I have been able to identify, are as follows.  (P.S. thinking about the reasons causes the crying).
  • Bills are adding up quick, making our savings disappear quicker than we can build them.
This is a big thing with most families and just people in general. So I want you to imagine yourself in the state you are now, financially, and start to think on how this would change it: getting a cancer diagnosis, meaning you must now take treatment forever, have to drive in for appointments constantly and pay for parking on top of gas/car maintenance, being so tired that you feel you haven't slept in 3-4 days, and don't forget, for my case, you are in constant pain, no break.  Which brings me to the next reason:
  • I can't even try to get a job to help with income.
I'm permanently injured from a car crash years ago, almost a decade, now.  I want to be able to help, I'd love to be able to work a job, even just at Tim Hortons part-time.  It'd be a way I could contribute, a way to start etching away at the bills and surprise expenses, but I don't get that privilege any longer.  I try to do what I can but it makes my pain level worse, which means I can't do basic things, bringing me to:

  • Not being able to be self-sufficient and care fully for my children without assistance.
Some days the choices are, care for the kids or get minimal work done around the house.  I can't get both done, not because the kids are running around causing a mess, it's because I have to try to manage my pain level.  I need to wait until they sleep or are cared for by someone else so that I can recover from trying to the most basic activities: washing dishes, loading/unloading the dishwasher/washer/dryer, making meals that require more than reheat as needed, vacuuming, washing the floors, etc.  Some days I get to do the dishes from yesterday before my pain starts to sky rocket, but others, I can barely stand just watching the kids and making sure they don't kill each other.  Some have tried to help me but, well, that leads me to the following:
  • Seeing that I have less support than so many others, including those I have always tried to stand by
I have some friends, a very select few, that are always doing what they can for me that truly do not expect anything from me.  That amount of friends are extremely few and I did not realize this until I needed to start swallowing my pride and asking for help.  I thought at first the response was nice, until the end result of people actually showing up and not just saying they will help came to pass.  I got to watch some people use my situation for exploiting their own gains.  I got to watch people crumble when it came to them to hold their promise/commitment.  I got to see communities rally around others and leave me to the sidelines.  I'm glad the others don't have to watch from the sidelines, I'm glad they found true support.  I just thought that I had that support as well.  I guess it's better to learn now.  I just feel so foolish and used.  It hurts when you realize you mean less to people than they meant to you.

I've come to the point that I don't know why I try, any more.  I feel like an idiot for asking for help and that I should never have asked people to care about me.  As I sit here feeling like pulling my hair out and throwing myself away, I feel everything and nothing.  I feel tired of facades.  I feel tired of games.  I'm tired of having to try so hard to just get thrown aside.  I'm just tired of life.