Upon writing an email to a friend that I miss dearly but lives on the other side of the continent, this post popped into my head. I did not have an abundance of friends, one could say, I always thought of myself as rather strong in that I didn't always follow the norm, and was therefore an outcast to many. I did consider myself fiercely loyal to those that accepted my friendship, though. I still do. But betray me and my trust and it will take you a long time to earn it back.
I find myself longing for days since passed. Days that seemed so dramatic at the time, but looking back you mostly just remember the pleasant memories. Or at least try to remember mostly them. What I find I miss most was the undying loyalty and comradary that I had from people I thought would be around me forever. Even if we all went different ways after high school, we had each others phone numbers and emails, what would keep such a close group of friends apart? Apparently a lot...
I pine for the friends that would call just to say "hi, how's it going?" and the rare "want to meet up for a walk/movie/coffee tonight?". I yearn for the friends that would show up once in a blue moon, just because they thought of you. Monthly D&D games (yes, I loved playing D&D), all night movie marathons that lead to visits to the flea market in the morning, even just rollerblading up and down the streets until we opted for a game of "grounders" on the playground gym.
My heart breaks every time I think of it.
I miss my friends. The ones lost to cancer, the ones lost to pain, the ones lost to their own lives. I find myself even missing the ones that did betray my trust, wishing somehow it never came to that. Wishing they had been the true friends I thought they were because of the friendship I had come to cherish that we shared. But I wasn't important enough to them.
It scares me that the last time I saw most of my friends it was at a funeral. That's just wrong. Life is when we should see our friends, not in death. And sometimes I fear that they won't come together again until another death, and we'll all say how we should get together sometime, minus one more of us, once more...
"We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence."
~
Sunday 29 May 2011
Thursday 26 May 2011
Alone in the Sea of People
This won't be the pining of an angsty teen, wishing their life was "less mortifying". Perhaps you can go back to your jr high and high school years to help relate to this lament, though. Unless you were one of those people that got along with everyone and had everything given to you upon your demand. If you're that kind of person, please just move on to the next post and forgo this one. (PS: this is a long one!)
I'm sure at some point you've felt alone. Being a navy wife there's been lots of days and nights by myself. Even before this part of my life there were lots of those. But it is harder when there should be someone next to you. It's more difficult to be satisfied with your solitude when your mind knows that someone once completed you and was near you often or always. It even comes to a point of pain when the loneliness is forced upon you by unforeseen circumstances.
Can you get a more unforeseen circumstance than cancer? Well, yeah, when Mr Death wants to pay a visit, but lets not get into that tonight.
You have your family, you have your friends, you have your co-workers, and acquaintances. You have your life. Suddenly you have no one that can relate to you. You are the black sheep in the herd of white sheep, you may still be a sheep but you are not the same at the same time. The shepherd still brings you in to green pastures, they still lead you to water, shear you, pat your head as they pass, but you look around you and only see the difference surrounding you. Let that sink into your mindset. Have you ever been surrounded and no matter how much your thoughts told you that you were similar to everyone you see your heart told you that you were far from the same?
I had chemotherapy sessions surrounded by people in their 50s and 60s+, I went to talks, sessions, groups, and more all surrounded by people with cancers and even though we had that in common, none of them understood what I was going through. I was too young. They were in a different stage of their life. They didn't care about their breasts being gone, some saw it as a blessing. Being put into early menopause was a relief of not needing maxipads and tampons any longer. Short hair was a look they had come to want. And those that tried to be sympathetic couldn't hide the confusion and belittling behind their eyes and in those kind words.
But that's not the only way you feel alone...
My family was always pretty close. My husband is my best friend. Now they're looking at the cancer patient. I wasn't me anymore. I was a fragile creature that could bend or break at any moment. I felt like I was behind a glass wall looking at my family, unable to fully reach them, they were unable to fully reach me. But a lot could still be communicated. They all tried their best in their own ways, but this time instead of thinking of the sheep, it was more like this: You go to get you favorite ice cream, you love all ice cream but your favorite was waiting for you at home all day and you could not wait to get back and have a heaping bowl full. You get home, open the container, greedily scoop it out and as you take a taste realize that the ice cream wasn't what it said on the label. You wanted black raspberry cheesecake, this is raspberry swirl. Yes, it still have vanilla ice cream and the raspberry flavour, but it's nowhere's near what you had wanted. It still takes great! It's the finest ice cream, but it is not what you were expecting your accustomed to. The relationship is still there, there's still a closeness that cannot be compared, but it's lacking something because they cannot relate to a new part of your life.
Your heart starts to pine, your soul becomes brittle, oh so fragile. You were so used to having something and now it's hard because there's a gap between you and what you once knew.
You're a piece of volcanic glass on the sandy shores of Canada.., you may be a part of the earth but how the hell can you relate to a piece of granite or shale?
I found some relief for my heart, I ventured out to YACC 's Retreat Yourself East. It was so nice to be able to talk to people close to my situation. I did find it too short though. I understand they cannot have it longer at the moment. There's so many complications with events like this. Scheduling, people missing treatments (I was one!), cost, availability. But I still feel there are so many things I did not get to express. Maybe because I was listening so much to everyone else. However it happened, I hope to get more out soon. It may have to wait until the conference they will be hosting in November, but I hope it will not take that long. At least there is the opportunity in November to keep me sane till then.
This is why I want to bring a YACC office to Halifax. We need a central point for those of us to focus on when we have no others in sight that can relate. We love our families, we cherish our friends, but we have a scarred soul that needs kindred spirits that have been burned the same way. We need to be able to see the horizon while floating alone in the sea of people.
I'm sure at some point you've felt alone. Being a navy wife there's been lots of days and nights by myself. Even before this part of my life there were lots of those. But it is harder when there should be someone next to you. It's more difficult to be satisfied with your solitude when your mind knows that someone once completed you and was near you often or always. It even comes to a point of pain when the loneliness is forced upon you by unforeseen circumstances.
Can you get a more unforeseen circumstance than cancer? Well, yeah, when Mr Death wants to pay a visit, but lets not get into that tonight.
You have your family, you have your friends, you have your co-workers, and acquaintances. You have your life. Suddenly you have no one that can relate to you. You are the black sheep in the herd of white sheep, you may still be a sheep but you are not the same at the same time. The shepherd still brings you in to green pastures, they still lead you to water, shear you, pat your head as they pass, but you look around you and only see the difference surrounding you. Let that sink into your mindset. Have you ever been surrounded and no matter how much your thoughts told you that you were similar to everyone you see your heart told you that you were far from the same?
I had chemotherapy sessions surrounded by people in their 50s and 60s+, I went to talks, sessions, groups, and more all surrounded by people with cancers and even though we had that in common, none of them understood what I was going through. I was too young. They were in a different stage of their life. They didn't care about their breasts being gone, some saw it as a blessing. Being put into early menopause was a relief of not needing maxipads and tampons any longer. Short hair was a look they had come to want. And those that tried to be sympathetic couldn't hide the confusion and belittling behind their eyes and in those kind words.
But that's not the only way you feel alone...
My family was always pretty close. My husband is my best friend. Now they're looking at the cancer patient. I wasn't me anymore. I was a fragile creature that could bend or break at any moment. I felt like I was behind a glass wall looking at my family, unable to fully reach them, they were unable to fully reach me. But a lot could still be communicated. They all tried their best in their own ways, but this time instead of thinking of the sheep, it was more like this: You go to get you favorite ice cream, you love all ice cream but your favorite was waiting for you at home all day and you could not wait to get back and have a heaping bowl full. You get home, open the container, greedily scoop it out and as you take a taste realize that the ice cream wasn't what it said on the label. You wanted black raspberry cheesecake, this is raspberry swirl. Yes, it still have vanilla ice cream and the raspberry flavour, but it's nowhere's near what you had wanted. It still takes great! It's the finest ice cream, but it is not what you were expecting your accustomed to. The relationship is still there, there's still a closeness that cannot be compared, but it's lacking something because they cannot relate to a new part of your life.
Your heart starts to pine, your soul becomes brittle, oh so fragile. You were so used to having something and now it's hard because there's a gap between you and what you once knew.
You're a piece of volcanic glass on the sandy shores of Canada.., you may be a part of the earth but how the hell can you relate to a piece of granite or shale?
I found some relief for my heart, I ventured out to YACC 's Retreat Yourself East. It was so nice to be able to talk to people close to my situation. I did find it too short though. I understand they cannot have it longer at the moment. There's so many complications with events like this. Scheduling, people missing treatments (I was one!), cost, availability. But I still feel there are so many things I did not get to express. Maybe because I was listening so much to everyone else. However it happened, I hope to get more out soon. It may have to wait until the conference they will be hosting in November, but I hope it will not take that long. At least there is the opportunity in November to keep me sane till then.
This is why I want to bring a YACC office to Halifax. We need a central point for those of us to focus on when we have no others in sight that can relate. We love our families, we cherish our friends, but we have a scarred soul that needs kindred spirits that have been burned the same way. We need to be able to see the horizon while floating alone in the sea of people.
Wednesday 25 May 2011
Still more to come
I haven't run away or disappeared. I'm trying to get some things sorted irl before making some major posts here. Even though radiation is over with the burnt skin is rather limiting, and my back is being angry with me for living. But enough of my complaining. I will be posting more about bringing a YACC office to Halifax soon. Had a great talk with Geoff from YACC today, but I need to sort a couple things out.
So, don't think I've abandoned this blog, just need some extra time to tie some loose ends then I'll be back n blogging. :)
So, don't think I've abandoned this blog, just need some extra time to tie some loose ends then I'll be back n blogging. :)
Saturday 21 May 2011
YACC'n it up!
I have previously stated I want to bring a YACC office to Halifax. Therefor, I have started a facebook group for those that wish to help me out. Make a YACC office in Halifax group if you would like to help or even just give your support, please join it.
I'll be needing advice, support, and lots of positivity! Please spread the word! Thanks for reading :)
I'll be needing advice, support, and lots of positivity! Please spread the word! Thanks for reading :)
Thursday 19 May 2011
Strong is a hate word..
Many know the saying "Hate is a strong word", and other versions thereof. But I'm gonna let you in on a secret, just known to us cancer patients (and everyone else battling some kind of health issue): the word "strong" will very quickly become one of you most loathed words pretty freakin quickly!
I know everyone means well, they're trying to compliment you. Trying to encourage you. But I swear, and those of you that were at the Retreat Yourself East know this rant already, if I hear one more person say to me, "You're so strong, I could never deal with what you're going through," they will hear me say to them, "Oh, so you'd just roll over and die?" Honestly! I'm not stronger than the next woman that hears she has a tumour larger than grapefruit in her right breast! I cried, I got angry, I sulked, I had all the normal reactions. Just because I didn't publicize them every moment of the day doesn't mean I'm any different.
So you could never deal with having cancer? You'd say, "Woe is me, I have met my end! Lord take me now!" Or whatever you believe in to come deliver you from this life of tragedy. Forget the fact that there's entire teams of doctors and nurses out there that want to try to rid you of this mutation, family and friends that would grieve at your passing (especially without a fight), and groups out there that will support your battle as you wage war on the abomination in your body. Forget that, you'll just roll over and surrender. Well I guess it is good you didn't get cancer. And Lord help you if you get a paper cut! Those things are so tragic as well! Searing pain and all. If you had a wound on your body and made it through the healing process you'd be so strong! I could never deal with what you'd be going through. (*insert sarcastic voice here lol).
Like I mentioned in the second paragraph, I know this is not how the words are intended, but think about how you sound saying it. You would really claim to not value your life enough to do all in your power to save it if you came to an obstacle?
That being said, I am a stubborn person. Sometimes to a fault, but I wasn't about to give in. I have too much I still want to do. And I plan to be around for my husband and son. I also want to give help and hope to others in situations close to mine. That's part of why I started this blog. I want people with cancer to know there are others going through exactly what you're going through. And it's not a crime to want things, like having your D/DD breasts back in reconstruction, you're allowed to want to look they way you did before cancer. You can want to try to have kids, still. Wanting to reproduce is one of the basic instincts given to all living creatures! And even though you're a person that was good and kind you can still get bad things happening to you, like illnesses. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong.. but that's another rant.
I know everyone means well, they're trying to compliment you. Trying to encourage you. But I swear, and those of you that were at the Retreat Yourself East know this rant already, if I hear one more person say to me, "You're so strong, I could never deal with what you're going through," they will hear me say to them, "Oh, so you'd just roll over and die?" Honestly! I'm not stronger than the next woman that hears she has a tumour larger than grapefruit in her right breast! I cried, I got angry, I sulked, I had all the normal reactions. Just because I didn't publicize them every moment of the day doesn't mean I'm any different.
So you could never deal with having cancer? You'd say, "Woe is me, I have met my end! Lord take me now!" Or whatever you believe in to come deliver you from this life of tragedy. Forget the fact that there's entire teams of doctors and nurses out there that want to try to rid you of this mutation, family and friends that would grieve at your passing (especially without a fight), and groups out there that will support your battle as you wage war on the abomination in your body. Forget that, you'll just roll over and surrender. Well I guess it is good you didn't get cancer. And Lord help you if you get a paper cut! Those things are so tragic as well! Searing pain and all. If you had a wound on your body and made it through the healing process you'd be so strong! I could never deal with what you'd be going through. (*insert sarcastic voice here lol).
Like I mentioned in the second paragraph, I know this is not how the words are intended, but think about how you sound saying it. You would really claim to not value your life enough to do all in your power to save it if you came to an obstacle?
That being said, I am a stubborn person. Sometimes to a fault, but I wasn't about to give in. I have too much I still want to do. And I plan to be around for my husband and son. I also want to give help and hope to others in situations close to mine. That's part of why I started this blog. I want people with cancer to know there are others going through exactly what you're going through. And it's not a crime to want things, like having your D/DD breasts back in reconstruction, you're allowed to want to look they way you did before cancer. You can want to try to have kids, still. Wanting to reproduce is one of the basic instincts given to all living creatures! And even though you're a person that was good and kind you can still get bad things happening to you, like illnesses. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong.. but that's another rant.
Wednesday 18 May 2011
Another quote for May
I hope that you find this quote as hilarious and to the point as I see it. This is me in a nutshell >:)
Keep hope and love in your heart, and carry a big freakin bat! teehee!
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" - Dr Seuss
Keep hope and love in your heart, and carry a big freakin bat! teehee!
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Signs of Hope
Some of you may not know this but I'm an artist. And before I found out I had cancer I started a campaign to raise funds for Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation (www.cbcf.org). Talk about irony lol. I would like to introduce you to Signs of Hope, my series of prints for CBCF.
They're four endangered big cats with the pink ribbon in their stripes or spots. They're copywritten, limited edition prints, with donations from the sales going to CBCF. If you would like more information on these prints, you can comment here or check out the facebook page I started for them at www.facebook.com/signsofhope . I'm thinking of trying to get some more artwork in the works for my other endeavours, the ones mentioned in Fire in my heart and soul and such.
Anywho, my must go chase down my son.. more blogging later!
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| Barbary Lion |
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| King Cheetah |
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| Siberian Tiger |
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| Snow Leopard |
Anywho, my must go chase down my son.. more blogging later!
Monday 16 May 2011
Colds, pain, and skin loss
Yuh, this is more of an update post than anything else. The head cold that's going around was first caught by my son, and now Mike and I have it. Just annoying. After I get my Max vitamins and supplements in me I start feeling sooo much better, at least.
Adventures in pain continue with my back, but on the bright side my insurance company is being reasonable. I'm going to be getting an evaluation done again to see where I really stand.. (I guess the pun is unintentional but very much applies lol).
And lastly: O Radiation, how I hate thee! The rest of the skin is all going red and rough. More skin has rubbed off from my underarm and is starting to dissipate under the void that was once my breast. I know they said it would get worse because the damage radiation does to your body continues for days (sometimes weeks) after you stop being exposed, but you always hope it won't happen.
Off to go have some chickie soup and lay down with a kitty at my side.. or two if I let Id (the small and annoying tabby) join Gourry (my male tuxedo) and I. Hopefully Archer stays down for his nap, so I can sneak in some shut-eye. Wish me luck!
Adventures in pain continue with my back, but on the bright side my insurance company is being reasonable. I'm going to be getting an evaluation done again to see where I really stand.. (I guess the pun is unintentional but very much applies lol).
And lastly: O Radiation, how I hate thee! The rest of the skin is all going red and rough. More skin has rubbed off from my underarm and is starting to dissipate under the void that was once my breast. I know they said it would get worse because the damage radiation does to your body continues for days (sometimes weeks) after you stop being exposed, but you always hope it won't happen.
Off to go have some chickie soup and lay down with a kitty at my side.. or two if I let Id (the small and annoying tabby) join Gourry (my male tuxedo) and I. Hopefully Archer stays down for his nap, so I can sneak in some shut-eye. Wish me luck!
Saturday 14 May 2011
Freedom!
In my haste to try to get on and have even remote access to my blog yesterday I totally forgot to update on the cancer treatment process! :P
Yesterday (Friday) was the last day of radiation (Let mah people go!) so I was quite happy. We celebrated by hitting the local BBQ joint and having pulled pork, brisket, bbq chicken, and traditional sausage - om nom nom! So now we have munchkin back and not letting go.
As to further treatments, I had a long discussion with my oncologist and I am not going on Tamoxifen. I can change my mind later if I want, but I don't want to go on it at this time. And to those of you that may be reading this and saying "Why chance it???", I cannot logically think of how this cancer could have mystically escaped from the tumour and not started rapidly growing by now. Remember it grew over 9 cm in 6 months. This wasn't a passive cancer. And most importantly, it's my choice, and believe me it was an educated decision.
So what from here? Still lots of appointments. I'll have more free time because now I won't be mixing cancer appointments and back appointments. I can use that free time to get some projects started and get a better handle on how disabled my back is really. Maybe we'll be able to figure out a better way to approach my rehabilitation and get me back to snuff sooner!
More to come as I think of it :D
Yesterday (Friday) was the last day of radiation (Let mah people go!) so I was quite happy. We celebrated by hitting the local BBQ joint and having pulled pork, brisket, bbq chicken, and traditional sausage - om nom nom! So now we have munchkin back and not letting go.
As to further treatments, I had a long discussion with my oncologist and I am not going on Tamoxifen. I can change my mind later if I want, but I don't want to go on it at this time. And to those of you that may be reading this and saying "Why chance it???", I cannot logically think of how this cancer could have mystically escaped from the tumour and not started rapidly growing by now. Remember it grew over 9 cm in 6 months. This wasn't a passive cancer. And most importantly, it's my choice, and believe me it was an educated decision.
So what from here? Still lots of appointments. I'll have more free time because now I won't be mixing cancer appointments and back appointments. I can use that free time to get some projects started and get a better handle on how disabled my back is really. Maybe we'll be able to figure out a better way to approach my rehabilitation and get me back to snuff sooner!
More to come as I think of it :D
Friday 13 May 2011
Technical difficulties
For about 24 hours I couldn't access my blog to write because Blogger was "correcting issues". So every time I tried to login I would get an error page showing that Blogger was still experiencing technical difficulties, to try again later.
This isn't that far off to the experiences of cancer patients. First I want to say if you have ever been walking along and tripped over your own feet, only to land flat on your face, or if you've been punched in the stomach, followed by a sucker punch to the face, or ran around a corner to what should be an open corridor, only to smash into a closed door, then you have an idea of what it is to be told you have cancer. Now add a Chuck Norris patented roundhouse kick to the mix and you've also been informed that the tumour is enormous and most likely terminal (or could become terminal any moment). This is your life bringing up its own Error code 3 (The driver for this device might be corrupted, or your system may be running low on memory or other resources). Your own technical difficulties.
You just found out a part of your own body has become corrupt, its cells are no longer working the way they should, they've mutated to cancer. You're going through so many emotions that your brain cannot process everything right away, your memory is running low, and you're so stunned, you cannot call on your strengths or talents or abilities to try to comfort yourself. Error 3, sorry, we're experiencing technical difficulties.
Now with your computer or webpage, you either get a new one if you're made of money lol, or you hire a technician to repair or remove the bad sources and make it run like it once did, huzzah! But we're not computers and webpages. We get to begin a parade of visits: surgeons, oncologists, radiation oncologists, social workers, nurses, and the list goes on. It's daunting... Terrifying... And, for most, stops your life cold. You stand there looking at where you are:
You're on a cliff. But there's not supposed to be a cliff, you think to yourself, I'm supposed to be just starting the next part of my life! Maybe you were just getting out of high school, just finishing college, just starting a family, just retiring, just starting to get on your feet. Now there's a bloody cliff that only shows fog and mist below you. You look back and see the skid-marks from the screeching halt you just came to. And the noise.., oh that noise! There's rushing, gushing rapids thundering past the cliff. Some will stomp their foot and scream at the fog, "This isn't FAIR!", others, "Why am I here? What did I do?", and a few will say, "What's on the other side?"
We'll all react differently, but there's one thing to remember: you're just experiencing technical difficulties. Yes, there will be lots, and lots, and lots of doctor's visits, treatments, and annoyances. But it's just something you need to get "repaired" and then you can start to build your life again. It's really hard to see passed that fog but there is a way through that fog. It won't be instant, but you will find the way through. You need some guidance, and I guarantee you it won't be just your doctor. (And whatever your doctor says, make sure you research everything and make what choice is best for you!)
This does lead you back to that "Cancer Support Bra" I mentioned a while back. No matter how strong you're trying to be, its okay to need help, and its even okay to ask for help.
So, throughout our trials and tribulations, just try to remember, this is just a bump in the road. Just some technical difficulties.
This isn't that far off to the experiences of cancer patients. First I want to say if you have ever been walking along and tripped over your own feet, only to land flat on your face, or if you've been punched in the stomach, followed by a sucker punch to the face, or ran around a corner to what should be an open corridor, only to smash into a closed door, then you have an idea of what it is to be told you have cancer. Now add a Chuck Norris patented roundhouse kick to the mix and you've also been informed that the tumour is enormous and most likely terminal (or could become terminal any moment). This is your life bringing up its own Error code 3 (The driver for this device might be corrupted, or your system may be running low on memory or other resources). Your own technical difficulties.
You just found out a part of your own body has become corrupt, its cells are no longer working the way they should, they've mutated to cancer. You're going through so many emotions that your brain cannot process everything right away, your memory is running low, and you're so stunned, you cannot call on your strengths or talents or abilities to try to comfort yourself. Error 3, sorry, we're experiencing technical difficulties.
Now with your computer or webpage, you either get a new one if you're made of money lol, or you hire a technician to repair or remove the bad sources and make it run like it once did, huzzah! But we're not computers and webpages. We get to begin a parade of visits: surgeons, oncologists, radiation oncologists, social workers, nurses, and the list goes on. It's daunting... Terrifying... And, for most, stops your life cold. You stand there looking at where you are:
You're on a cliff. But there's not supposed to be a cliff, you think to yourself, I'm supposed to be just starting the next part of my life! Maybe you were just getting out of high school, just finishing college, just starting a family, just retiring, just starting to get on your feet. Now there's a bloody cliff that only shows fog and mist below you. You look back and see the skid-marks from the screeching halt you just came to. And the noise.., oh that noise! There's rushing, gushing rapids thundering past the cliff. Some will stomp their foot and scream at the fog, "This isn't FAIR!", others, "Why am I here? What did I do?", and a few will say, "What's on the other side?"
We'll all react differently, but there's one thing to remember: you're just experiencing technical difficulties. Yes, there will be lots, and lots, and lots of doctor's visits, treatments, and annoyances. But it's just something you need to get "repaired" and then you can start to build your life again. It's really hard to see passed that fog but there is a way through that fog. It won't be instant, but you will find the way through. You need some guidance, and I guarantee you it won't be just your doctor. (And whatever your doctor says, make sure you research everything and make what choice is best for you!)
This does lead you back to that "Cancer Support Bra" I mentioned a while back. No matter how strong you're trying to be, its okay to need help, and its even okay to ask for help.
So, throughout our trials and tribulations, just try to remember, this is just a bump in the road. Just some technical difficulties.
Wednesday 11 May 2011
Fire in My Heart and Soul
If you're coming in because of my facebook status, here's the scoop:
I am tired of so much indifference and ignorance in people. So know what - I'm gonna change it!! Impossible? Ms Hepburn tell em how it is: "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
Fact of the matter is there's so much that needs to be done and we're all capable of helping out. Monetary donations are great, yes, but not all of us are wandering around with and overflow of cash. There's other things that are able to be done. (And never think a small donation won't help. If 100 people give $10 that's $1000!).
SO what is the fire lit in my soul? Simply put, there's so much out there that needs to be brought to the light. Everyone's been touched by illnesses. Cancer, heart attacks, diseases, the list goes on. So what, there's lots of organizations out there, right? Only 5% right. Yeah I plucked that number from the sky but honestly, there is foundations for patients but how many have you heard of getting help from them? I know I haven't had any cheques come in from any breast cancer foundations.
Yeahyeahyeah, I want to get a few things going in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Canada in general. 1: I want to get a YACC (youngadultcancer.ca) office in Halifax, NS. If you know anyone that has gone through cancer as a young adult, you know it's different than someone who is a young child or older adult. We have different needs and wants, and frankly barely any doctor recognizes that! We need that support and not just sometime, we need it NOW! 2: We need to know when great things, like Wrong Way to Hope (wrongwaytohope.com), are coming to the province, and get funding to help them afford coming out to one of Canada's forgotten provinces. (Yes we're a forgotten province, tell someone you're from NS and see how many people say Ah! Nova Scotia. I've met people that thought Halifax was "on the coast, right next to Toronto"). 3: Capital Health is cutting back on some volunteering aspects because of funding issues. Don't know the proper figures but looks like they may need upwards of 25k to keep things going, I'll post the proper numbers when I have them.
I have the know-how, the savvy, and some of the connections to get this started but I've got some complications. I'm still injured, I'm poor (no secret), and I just plain cannot do this on my own. I need some help. I'm not too proud to say it now, but I NEED YOUR HELP. I need people that have connections to radio stations, musical artists (local and international), businesses that want to look good to the world, and to people that can donate things ranging from funds to services. I'm going to be filtering this stuff through my mind and others that I can talk to about this but we need to get this going, people. I don't care what it takes, lets actually start seeing progress on assistance and less back tracking.
Can you help? Can you donate: some time, some services, some money, some advice, some contacts? If you say yes to any of those, you can help me. But more importantly: Will you help?
I am tired of so much indifference and ignorance in people. So know what - I'm gonna change it!! Impossible? Ms Hepburn tell em how it is: "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
Fact of the matter is there's so much that needs to be done and we're all capable of helping out. Monetary donations are great, yes, but not all of us are wandering around with and overflow of cash. There's other things that are able to be done. (And never think a small donation won't help. If 100 people give $10 that's $1000!).
SO what is the fire lit in my soul? Simply put, there's so much out there that needs to be brought to the light. Everyone's been touched by illnesses. Cancer, heart attacks, diseases, the list goes on. So what, there's lots of organizations out there, right? Only 5% right. Yeah I plucked that number from the sky but honestly, there is foundations for patients but how many have you heard of getting help from them? I know I haven't had any cheques come in from any breast cancer foundations.
Get to the point, Julie, I'm getting bored...
Yeahyeahyeah, I want to get a few things going in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Canada in general. 1: I want to get a YACC (youngadultcancer.ca) office in Halifax, NS. If you know anyone that has gone through cancer as a young adult, you know it's different than someone who is a young child or older adult. We have different needs and wants, and frankly barely any doctor recognizes that! We need that support and not just sometime, we need it NOW! 2: We need to know when great things, like Wrong Way to Hope (wrongwaytohope.com), are coming to the province, and get funding to help them afford coming out to one of Canada's forgotten provinces. (Yes we're a forgotten province, tell someone you're from NS and see how many people say Ah! Nova Scotia. I've met people that thought Halifax was "on the coast, right next to Toronto"). 3: Capital Health is cutting back on some volunteering aspects because of funding issues. Don't know the proper figures but looks like they may need upwards of 25k to keep things going, I'll post the proper numbers when I have them.
That's all and good, Julie but what the hell is going on?
I have the know-how, the savvy, and some of the connections to get this started but I've got some complications. I'm still injured, I'm poor (no secret), and I just plain cannot do this on my own. I need some help. I'm not too proud to say it now, but I NEED YOUR HELP. I need people that have connections to radio stations, musical artists (local and international), businesses that want to look good to the world, and to people that can donate things ranging from funds to services. I'm going to be filtering this stuff through my mind and others that I can talk to about this but we need to get this going, people. I don't care what it takes, lets actually start seeing progress on assistance and less back tracking.
Can you help? Can you donate: some time, some services, some money, some advice, some contacts? If you say yes to any of those, you can help me. But more importantly: Will you help?
Tuesday 10 May 2011
Adventures in pain
Yup, pain. My back gets worse and my cash flow to try to get treatment is even more imaginary that ever. For those of you not in the know, I was victim of an MVI in 2008 and my back (and neck) was injured. It's never been the same.
I was seeking relief with physio and massage but I am now out of funds and cannot afford to go. My insurance company is now saying I must go to be assessed as to what job I should be working at so they can stop sending me the pennies that I get from them. I will be studied and scrutinized so that someone that has no idea what pain I feel can tell me I should be working part time at a job that will pay even less than the pennies the insurance company sends me. Huzzah! Little do they realize I deal with intense pain and cannot do a lot of regular activities/concentrate with all the annoyances plaguing my spine, neck, and leg. I hope that I get a real person and not someone paid off to lie and say I can work. (Yes Mr R Oncologist, I'm pointing fingers at you! Tell CPP that I can work after radiation treatment was finished, yes you're such a caring doctor, aren't you?).. rant complete
I hope the settlement for this MVI will be worked out soon. And until it is settled I will not go into much more details of the actual event.
So I wish to convey another of my analogies soon, but till then have another great quote from an exceptional woman:
I was seeking relief with physio and massage but I am now out of funds and cannot afford to go. My insurance company is now saying I must go to be assessed as to what job I should be working at so they can stop sending me the pennies that I get from them. I will be studied and scrutinized so that someone that has no idea what pain I feel can tell me I should be working part time at a job that will pay even less than the pennies the insurance company sends me. Huzzah! Little do they realize I deal with intense pain and cannot do a lot of regular activities/concentrate with all the annoyances plaguing my spine, neck, and leg. I hope that I get a real person and not someone paid off to lie and say I can work. (Yes Mr R Oncologist, I'm pointing fingers at you! Tell CPP that I can work after radiation treatment was finished, yes you're such a caring doctor, aren't you?).. rant complete
I hope the settlement for this MVI will be worked out soon. And until it is settled I will not go into much more details of the actual event.
So I wish to convey another of my analogies soon, but till then have another great quote from an exceptional woman:
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." - Audrey Hepburn
Screening for Wrong Way to Hope
Today I would ask all of you that read this blog to spread the word of something important to me. There is a screening of the independent film "The Wrong Way to Hope" May 19th, 7p - 9:30p in Halifax. It will be in the VG site, please go to wrongwaytohope.com for more information or join the facebook event at https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=222148427795643
Just a short blurb for now, have a lot of running around to attempt... I hope my back can hold up, gah!
Another great quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr Seuss
Just a short blurb for now, have a lot of running around to attempt... I hope my back can hold up, gah!
Another great quote:
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr Seuss
Monday 9 May 2011
The Worst Part
Hullo one and all. Today I want to cover something that will not be the same for some cancer patients. The worst part - for me.
Many may say it's the chemo (it wasn't the worst for me by far!), maybe the surgery (just the thought of going under the knife can be horrifying to some), or perhaps the constant trips to radiation (going in every day and waiting for an hour for a 15 min dose of radiation is soooo much fun), but none of those are the worst for this girl.
The worst for me is the sound of my son crying as I leave him to be cared for by my parents so I can make it in to another appointment or treatment. He's not crying because he dislikes staying at "Nana and Papa's" house, he loves them so much. He's crying because he doesn't want to lose sight of me any more. He cries when I go into the bathroom, if I step outside to get the mail, and the new norm, when I try to put him down for a nap/to go to sleep for the night. There's been a few nights that I had to stay by his side before he would drift off to sleep. To know that even at a young age he actually is noticing when I'm gone is both heartwarming and heart-wrenching.
Yes, I know he shouldn't remember all of this in times to come, but it doesn't make it any easier and it's never going to get easier for me.
PS: Going to visit my oncologist on Thursday - terrified as hell as to what he's going to say...
Many may say it's the chemo (it wasn't the worst for me by far!), maybe the surgery (just the thought of going under the knife can be horrifying to some), or perhaps the constant trips to radiation (going in every day and waiting for an hour for a 15 min dose of radiation is soooo much fun), but none of those are the worst for this girl.
The worst for me is the sound of my son crying as I leave him to be cared for by my parents so I can make it in to another appointment or treatment. He's not crying because he dislikes staying at "Nana and Papa's" house, he loves them so much. He's crying because he doesn't want to lose sight of me any more. He cries when I go into the bathroom, if I step outside to get the mail, and the new norm, when I try to put him down for a nap/to go to sleep for the night. There's been a few nights that I had to stay by his side before he would drift off to sleep. To know that even at a young age he actually is noticing when I'm gone is both heartwarming and heart-wrenching.
Yes, I know he shouldn't remember all of this in times to come, but it doesn't make it any easier and it's never going to get easier for me.
PS: Going to visit my oncologist on Thursday - terrified as hell as to what he's going to say...
Sunday 8 May 2011
Cancer's Support Bra
Being a rather chesty woman to start, the need of a supportive bra is no stranger to me. Without a good bra you'll find some activities annoying, even painful to preform or be a part of. So this analogy came to me quite easily:
When it comes to dealing with cancer, you need to have a good "cancer support bra". Not just any bra will do! Ask any woman what she needs from a bra (especially those c cup and up!) that she intends to where all day and she'll most likely first say "comfort". This is something we all need in our clothes and our emotional support. If it's not comfortable, you won't be able to focus on things properly. So what kind of fabric should your bra be made of? Lace and silky satin can be pretty to look and feel nice to start, but if you're trying to deal with the "hiccups" life is going to through at you, you won't be shopping for a 18+ hour bra and find a flimsy decorative undergarment. One of the most common answers for "what type of bra does a chesty woman love?" is cotton. Cotton is fresh, soft, and able to give a little when needed. Think about it: cotton grows naturally, is harvested and spun into thin threads that when woven together create a harmonious cloth that is soft but strong. Sound like a good thing to support something as delicate as a woman's bosom? This is your circle of support from other cancer patients.
Look at the cotton cloth like this: every thread is someone that has had cancer. Not necessarily your type or severity, but some form of cancer. When woven together you create a bond of relatable experiences (chemo, radiation, drugs, multiple appointments, missed work, lost friends, relationship issues, money issues, etc), and great emotional support from people that "just know". This is the fabric to start your full support bra ;)
Next part, some love it, some hate it: the underwire. Now if you're a small chested woman, you may not know the joys and pains of underwire, but from experience, this is why it's still a part of your bra:
That lovely piece of metal that semi-circles under your breast is there to help with shape and support. This can be extremely comfortable if you have a well made bra, or irritating and even painful if it's not done properly. So what is this metal blessing/annoyance? Government assistance. IF you qualify, it's wonderful and helps you cope with money issues. If you DON'T, well, it's another thing that can irritate you. You feel you shouldn't be pushed away just because you were self employed, or just out of high school, or your "family gross income" is too high to qualify. But don't thing that this piece of metal is the only option for support. Something that isn't as major but can mean the difference between total comfort or sagging, the "non wire" underwire bras. They exist! The folded cotton (remember what cotton is in this reference!) is sewn to mask what the metal does. It still cups under the breast to give that shape and support, but no metal is used. This extra folded fabric isn't just the cancer patients as mentioned before, it's also groups that are there to give you extra help when they can. Groups like YACC (www.youngadultcancer.ca) and Cancer Society (www.cancer.ca). There's also groups that are cancer type specific, but there's way too many to mention.
So what is left of the cancer support bra? There's something important that without it, the bra can be very difficult to wear and even to put on: the clasps. Actual clasps on bras can be clips, eye-and-hook, and on sports bras (they don't really have "clasps" for you men out there) it's really really strong elastic. The clasps on this bra are your family and dearly close friends. They're not part of the fabric because no matter what they do NOT know what having cancer is like. They can sympathize and they can imagine or try to logically understand it, but they do not know the feeling of a wrecking ball smashing against your wall of life when you hear the six letter "c" word is actually in your body. I don't want to make it sound like they're not important - the ARE! Without support from someone you trust the clasp isn't there and your great fabric and underwire just lay there but don't give you that total feel of comfort and support no matter what.
I'm sure there's other ways to look at it, but if you have an open relationship with your family and don't hide the real emotions you have going through your mind, find others either in support groups (online and in person) or in retreats (they're out there!!), and look for whatever assistance you can get to keep you on your feet, you'll be strutting around in a pretty freaking comfy bra!.. I guess for men it can be that perfect pair of undies ;) but that's another analogy.
TTFN!
When it comes to dealing with cancer, you need to have a good "cancer support bra". Not just any bra will do! Ask any woman what she needs from a bra (especially those c cup and up!) that she intends to where all day and she'll most likely first say "comfort". This is something we all need in our clothes and our emotional support. If it's not comfortable, you won't be able to focus on things properly. So what kind of fabric should your bra be made of? Lace and silky satin can be pretty to look and feel nice to start, but if you're trying to deal with the "hiccups" life is going to through at you, you won't be shopping for a 18+ hour bra and find a flimsy decorative undergarment. One of the most common answers for "what type of bra does a chesty woman love?" is cotton. Cotton is fresh, soft, and able to give a little when needed. Think about it: cotton grows naturally, is harvested and spun into thin threads that when woven together create a harmonious cloth that is soft but strong. Sound like a good thing to support something as delicate as a woman's bosom? This is your circle of support from other cancer patients.
Look at the cotton cloth like this: every thread is someone that has had cancer. Not necessarily your type or severity, but some form of cancer. When woven together you create a bond of relatable experiences (chemo, radiation, drugs, multiple appointments, missed work, lost friends, relationship issues, money issues, etc), and great emotional support from people that "just know". This is the fabric to start your full support bra ;)
Next part, some love it, some hate it: the underwire. Now if you're a small chested woman, you may not know the joys and pains of underwire, but from experience, this is why it's still a part of your bra:
That lovely piece of metal that semi-circles under your breast is there to help with shape and support. This can be extremely comfortable if you have a well made bra, or irritating and even painful if it's not done properly. So what is this metal blessing/annoyance? Government assistance. IF you qualify, it's wonderful and helps you cope with money issues. If you DON'T, well, it's another thing that can irritate you. You feel you shouldn't be pushed away just because you were self employed, or just out of high school, or your "family gross income" is too high to qualify. But don't thing that this piece of metal is the only option for support. Something that isn't as major but can mean the difference between total comfort or sagging, the "non wire" underwire bras. They exist! The folded cotton (remember what cotton is in this reference!) is sewn to mask what the metal does. It still cups under the breast to give that shape and support, but no metal is used. This extra folded fabric isn't just the cancer patients as mentioned before, it's also groups that are there to give you extra help when they can. Groups like YACC (www.youngadultcancer.ca) and Cancer Society (www.cancer.ca). There's also groups that are cancer type specific, but there's way too many to mention.
So what is left of the cancer support bra? There's something important that without it, the bra can be very difficult to wear and even to put on: the clasps. Actual clasps on bras can be clips, eye-and-hook, and on sports bras (they don't really have "clasps" for you men out there) it's really really strong elastic. The clasps on this bra are your family and dearly close friends. They're not part of the fabric because no matter what they do NOT know what having cancer is like. They can sympathize and they can imagine or try to logically understand it, but they do not know the feeling of a wrecking ball smashing against your wall of life when you hear the six letter "c" word is actually in your body. I don't want to make it sound like they're not important - the ARE! Without support from someone you trust the clasp isn't there and your great fabric and underwire just lay there but don't give you that total feel of comfort and support no matter what.
I'm sure there's other ways to look at it, but if you have an open relationship with your family and don't hide the real emotions you have going through your mind, find others either in support groups (online and in person) or in retreats (they're out there!!), and look for whatever assistance you can get to keep you on your feet, you'll be strutting around in a pretty freaking comfy bra!.. I guess for men it can be that perfect pair of undies ;) but that's another analogy.
TTFN!
This blog's plan of attack
I think for later reference and smaller pages, I'm going to divide my posts into two genres. I will post everyday stuff in one post and the other will be for philosophical/insightful ideas that may happen to escape mah mind.
That being said:
Saw Jimmy Flynn preform last night. Not too shabby. Heard some of the jokes that he said as "Newfie" jokes told as "blonde" jokes before. It's all in the name of good fun, no harm intended.
Today is my second official "Mama's Day". My son is 19 months old, and quiet the active boy! No nap yesterday, he's so stubborn, I have no idea where he gets it from (teehee). Lack of sleep made for a very easily angered lil boy. Nana and Papa watched him for us so we could go to the show last night - thenk you!! I received a lovely necklace and figurine of a mother and son <3, now off to visit the "moms" :)
That being said:
Saw Jimmy Flynn preform last night. Not too shabby. Heard some of the jokes that he said as "Newfie" jokes told as "blonde" jokes before. It's all in the name of good fun, no harm intended.
Today is my second official "Mama's Day". My son is 19 months old, and quiet the active boy! No nap yesterday, he's so stubborn, I have no idea where he gets it from (teehee). Lack of sleep made for a very easily angered lil boy. Nana and Papa watched him for us so we could go to the show last night - thenk you!! I received a lovely necklace and figurine of a mother and son <3, now off to visit the "moms" :)
Saturday 7 May 2011
Life as I know it
Once I thought I had enough problems. Then I was involved in a car accident (and I'm still waiting on the settlement years later), and thought I had enough problems. Brought a wonderful son into the world and had to try to balance this new life and my injuries, and thought I had enough problems. That changed once more with a diagnosis in September 2010. I had had a lump in my breast since that March, but it was mastitis, right? I had just stopped breast feeding my son, and it was so painful, must be something simple. Simple yes, what I expected, no. Ductal Carcinoma, breast cancer. 12 cm x 12 cm big. With my husband and 11 month old son in tow I started to learn what people go through after they're given a diagnosis they never wanted or expected.
Two surgeons visits and an oncologist visit later, I'm going to be starting six rounds of chemotherapy and most likely a mastectomy to follow.
I thankfully started a new supplement and it helped a lot. (Did you know you cannot say if a supplement actually helped prevent or cure anything because of the FDA? If they just discovered that vitamin C cured scurvy now it would be illegal to say it out loud because of their ruling. Makes sense, eh?) So all I'm going to say is that I went through chemo with lots of energy, ate normally, and somehow my tumour shrank really really rapidly, maybe it was something different and new that I was taking, maybe it wasn't.
After the last chemo I met up with my surgeon and discussed what happened next. The tumour was on 4x3x2 cm big in the scans but I opted for mastectomy. Off with her breast!! That was scheduled for mid February 2011.
More visits to various doctors...
Now I'm told I need radiation... The tumour is removed, no signs of cancer other than it, the lymphnodes were all clean, but lets see how much we can beat this! (Me = Dead Horse, Cancer treatments now = Beating) Yup. How much radiation? One week? Two? Nope, sign me up for 25 treatments, so that's visiting the hospital everyday for 5 weeks, oh joy!
I've one more week of radiation.
Well there's more to say, but that's a nutshell. More to come from the Uniboob! ;)
Two surgeons visits and an oncologist visit later, I'm going to be starting six rounds of chemotherapy and most likely a mastectomy to follow.
I thankfully started a new supplement and it helped a lot. (Did you know you cannot say if a supplement actually helped prevent or cure anything because of the FDA? If they just discovered that vitamin C cured scurvy now it would be illegal to say it out loud because of their ruling. Makes sense, eh?) So all I'm going to say is that I went through chemo with lots of energy, ate normally, and somehow my tumour shrank really really rapidly, maybe it was something different and new that I was taking, maybe it wasn't.
After the last chemo I met up with my surgeon and discussed what happened next. The tumour was on 4x3x2 cm big in the scans but I opted for mastectomy. Off with her breast!! That was scheduled for mid February 2011.
More visits to various doctors...
Now I'm told I need radiation... The tumour is removed, no signs of cancer other than it, the lymphnodes were all clean, but lets see how much we can beat this! (Me = Dead Horse, Cancer treatments now = Beating) Yup. How much radiation? One week? Two? Nope, sign me up for 25 treatments, so that's visiting the hospital everyday for 5 weeks, oh joy!
I've one more week of radiation.
Well there's more to say, but that's a nutshell. More to come from the Uniboob! ;)
Young Adult Cancer Canada
I hope you spread the word and help them be better known in the world. This is very important to me, both as a cancer survivor and a concerned human being. <3
Silverlupus enters the blogging world
Welcome to what I hope to be the first of many blogs. I'm a young adult dealing with cancer and other things in life. After meeting some great people at Retreat Yourself East 2011 (a retreat for young adults with cancer), I was inspired by one of them to start up a blog.
I'm new to all this so I hope to make the blog as rich in information and knowledge as possible. Much more to come - in the great words of Tigger - ttfn!
I'm new to all this so I hope to make the blog as rich in information and knowledge as possible. Much more to come - in the great words of Tigger - ttfn!
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