14 months gone... 13 more? Less? Or am I going to luck out and get more?
Living with stage four....
It's been a year since I started my chemotherapy for stage 4 breast cancer, today. 12 months. At least I'm here to say that. I'm able to say my med team works very hard and looks at all possibilities for my treatment. My kids don't fully understand but they know mama is trying to be here for them.
Soon, I'll find out if I get a slightly longer break from treatment or if we're starting right back up again. I've still got a few friends that the longevity of my diagnosis hasn't chased off. They understand this isn't a one month, one year, one decade thing... I hope I get a decade or six.
I think that's one of the most annoying things (other than the cancer/treatment itself). Trying to explain to people that this is a lifetime thing, like my back/shoulder injury. I'm not being negative in saying that, and telling me I'll beat this isn't a positive response. I am thriving. I am living. I'm not curling up in a ball and stopping my life. I am giving cancer a middle finger and doing my best to have a life. And I have many reasons to: my husband, my kids, my friends both alive and gone, and especially because of a promise to one friend. He's gone but he was so scared when he heard of both my diagnoses. He knew what it was like growing up without his mother and it hit him in a different way than other friends. I promised him I'd stick around. I just wish he was he to see me keep it.
I'm mentally exhausted. I lost another friend today. Too many good hearts being lost, too many bright flames being doused. It makes my heart and my eyes ache.
I need to ask that my friends do their best to stay alive from now on. I don't know how much more bad news I can take
For a second I'll let you into my mind, here's my daily thoughts:
I'm so tired, why can't I feel normal today? I actually slept all night for once, why can't I get more energy?
I love my kids...but they're assholes at times...but I love them to bits.
I feel so bloody lazy, why can't I stop hurting long enough to get (insert basic household chore here) done.
Why does that hurt? Is the cancer spreading?
I hate you, idiot that caused the car accident in '08.
I love Mike, why the hell does he put up with me?
I wish I could draw more.
I wish I could work.
I miss being really active and fully independent...
I wish there was some way I could help us financially.
What if I need to go back on iv chemo? I won't be able to watch the kids for days, Mike would need time off work that we can't afford, can I mentally deal with the way it makes me physically feel again? Would it be better to just let the cancer run its course?..