Saturday, 7 July 2012

It's a mental thing

Surgery was completed.  They had some issues, my muscles didn't want to co-operate so they had to be more forceful.  Therefore, I was in more pain than the average person.  Healing was followed by a great dose of idiocy on the part of my husband's work, but it got sorted out enough to cause only a minor hiccup in the healing process.

Things discovered in these past two weeks include a couple items that I am not too happy to admit.  I am very much self conscious of my image.  The surgery, although a success, was not something to close the book on my journey to seem more female.  The "breasts" do not match and one is much smaller than the other...  Not to mention that it also does not have any form of shape of a breast.  All this has entered my mind and caused me to feel like no matter what, my body will never look anything close to what I once had.  Perhaps it was childish to think that I could appear as I once did, a fairytale ending to the painful journey, but it was a hope from the start.  I need to start accepting that I will have a very different body.  I will not have what I once did, I will be different in appearance.

Another thing I'm noticing, I am coming to loathe hearing people talk about how much the are helping those with breast cancer by running a marathon.  I have met so many people that will never be touched by the funds being funneled into these high-profile walks.  The money will go to advertising, maybe some to research, perhaps there will even be a fraction of a percentage that goes to a support group somewhere in a large city.  If you want to raise money for the organization, that's fine, but don't think you're going to make me all fuzzy because you tell me how much you support that annual run.

I am hoping to one day feel more accepting of the many different feelings and awarenesses that I am experiencing.  I know this will be a long journey, but I will travel it.  I will try to find more understanding within myself, and perhaps understand and accept the things that I am enduring.


  1. I came across your blog through Pinterest somehow....I have read a bunch of your posts and I just want to say thank you for giving me someone to relate to! I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer 6 weeks ago at age 22. Most people with cancer are so old I can't relate to their experiences, so it was comforting to read the words of someone young. I am so sorry about your breasts :( it makes me cry for you! Good luck in the future, I hope that things look better!

    1. Hi Kalina, thank you for your kind words. I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but I hope I can help in being someone you can message if you ever want someone to talk to. Also, check out my friend's blog she has stage four ovarian cancer as well and is a young adult. Feel free to look me up on Facebook if you need to talk :)