Death - *some not so delightful language included

It's that taboo thing that most people will zone out the second you start to try to talk about.  It's that dark, looming shadow in the back of your head that comes out when you're at your lowest.  Death is something that we all will come to face but that no one likes to talk about.  I have to think about it.  A lot of my friends do.  We're terminal.  Despite all the other issues we may face, we will either die from our cancer, an accident, or if we're lucky from old age.

No what sucks?  I got cancer in my twenties, I never got life insurance then.  I was waiting for my 5 year mark of no cancer to try for something after having cancer, but at 4.5 years my cancer came back.  Now I'm terminal.  Does that mean I'll die tomorrow?  Hopefully not.  Does it mean I'll die in three years, who knows?  But I'm living with cancer.  I'm living with a ticking time bomb that no one has the defuse code for.  As far as insurance companies care, I'm already dead, they don't want to touch me.

So I have a gofundme going, I thought if I could get our bills down.  If I could take that away from the cancer, I would not feel like such an ass when it comes my time.  Cancer expenses aren't just chemo and the pills to help you cope with it.  Cancer is gas money to the hospital for all appointments and scans.  Cancer is daycare so you don't have kids in tow while the oncologist explains that the cancer is showing an "evolution".  Cancer is eating away all your savings so that your family is left with nothing afterwards.  Cancer is not having the energy to do things normal young adults can do on their own.  Cancer is not being able to make food some days and needing to rely on frozen dinners or take out.  Cancer is asking so many people for help that all pride is gone.  Cancer is bawling in a private place because you're tired of being tired, sore, and feeling like a burden.  So yeah...  I started the gofundme to try to make some of that horrible feeling go away.  Unfortunately it's not doing so great.  It was at first, but it's died down now.  It made one month less horrible, so I'm thankful for that.

Cancer is also sitting on the couch watching a show with the Grim Reaper eating popcorn as they watch the cells in your body trying to take over.

I will die.  Will I go to Heaven?  Maybe the afterlife is a bit different.  I believe Albert Einstein was the one that theorized that energy cannot truly die, it continues, it spreads out into the world and space.  The human brain is energy, all those electrical connections that make up you and your thoughts.  Perhaps that is your soul, the energy that makes up your brain, so when your body is returning to the soil, your energy, your soul, leaves your brain and drifts off.  Do you retain your consciousness?  Who knows.

This post is also inspired by getting too many emails and messages that people have died that I know.  Some from cancer, some chose their day to die and had their assisted deaths, some committed suicide, and some from horrible accidents or other health issues.  Either way, I'm surrounded by death.  It's around me and within me.  This is what I live with every day.  Don't take this as a sign that I'll be looking to make an end, cancer chose the wrong bitch to fuck with.  I like life.  I am married to my soulmate, I have great kids that are also assholes at times but I love them more than I can explain, I like cheesecake and rum too much to give them up forever like that.

I'm not sure how to end this post.  I'm not sure where I'm going from here, but I've put my thoughts out there, into the interwebs.  Farewell words I've typed, perhaps you will do some good out there.