Change of heart?

I've had many thoughts come to me as the night starts to wane.  Sometimes they stay with me in the morning, sometimes I'm lucky enough to make a note somewhere so that when I try to remember and cannot, I jog my memory.  I was finally able to make a such a note the other night.

Change is a constant.  Change can be good.  Many times the change in our lives may not come across as beneficial until we are far from the point of the change.  One thing I hate to hear is "people can change".  I am not saying that someone can start to do good when all they seemed to do before was evil or vindictive.  What I am saying is that your inner self, your true self, your soul, does not. 

Think of it like a light bulb.  It shines it's beautiful light to share with whomever it can touch.  But it can be different.  It can have a shade to dull its glow.  It can be dipped in colouring to become a different hue.  The original light has not changed, it is having it's self portrayed differently.  It can even be covered so much that barely even a speck of light comes through to show it's inner beauty.

In this way we are very similar to the light bulb.  Our soul can shine through and be exactly who we are, but we can also make our intentions and actions appear to something else.  A person that is trying to fit in can start to mirror the actions of others in an attempt to be accepted.  And sometimes the light that is within one's soul is not always so brilliant and innocent.  They can give that appearance though.

You hear people say "they just changed one day", "they were always such a nice person", and they start to go on about how a person miraculously became the opposite of what they were.  But people do not change.  Desires, perceptions, presence of optimism, those can all change but not people.  One good example is those that would toss around a four letter word so carelessly to someone in order to strike awe into their heart in hopes of getting a not-so-nice four letter word that should only be given in a true soul mate's joining.  (Here's a hint, the first four letter word is l-o-v-e).

I do think a lot of good people get their light covered and hidden so much because they become afraid to show who they truly are.  We have a bad habit as a society to trample on what is different.  There is a big "bullying" campaign circulating the schools now.  I hope it helps, but bullying and teasing is woven so deep into our culture (just watch 15 mins of TV or any movie), that it gets hardwired that we have to accepted by our friends/enemies.

But I'm now on a tangent.  I hope that the point I was going for did come across.  People don't suddenly become something they never truly were.  They suddenly lose the flowery shade they were hiding behind.  And don't mock/tease/bully... take it from the person that most of my "peers" took it upon themselves to attack.  If you are the victim, there are people out there that care, and I hope you find the inner strength to get to them.

Mask Free Zone?

Maybe it was because of stuff that happened when I was growing up, maybe it was just the way I was born, maybe it is neither nature or nurture but a combination of the two, but there is something about me that does not seem to be the norm for everyone.  Many know the concept of people wearing "masks", but generally this is referred to in the same way as "stations" are a part of society.

My mask is not hiding who I am and it's not a front for my true self so much as a barrier.  Time for another analogy!

My heart, my pure self, is a bubble of blown glass.  Highly fragile, dangerously susceptible to being broken, or worse, turned to dust.  Now if it gets crushed, shattered, or turned to dust (as it has on soooo many occasions), it can be repaired and rebuilt, but it won't be the same, it never will be, I never will be.  It gets fired up once more, then carefully and delicately reformed.  So to help keep my heart from being shattered I have a mask set up.  It's a clear material, so you can still see my heart, but cannot touch it so easily.  It's bouncy and stretchy, think of the same stuff bouncy balls consist of.  It's quite jovial, that's one of the defense mechanisms I had installed, I'll explain shortly.  This mask is to protect me more than anything.  It's not to hide behind.

Has anyone fully experienced my heart free of the mask?  Of course!  Did those experiences make me want to be rid of the mask?  Sadly, no...  They're part of the reason I've made the mask thicker as the years have passed.  To quote VG Cats: make it "faster, stronger, less explodie!"

As to the defense mechanisms, why do I need them?  Because people have a tendency to be cruel to one-another, especially if they think you're better at something than they are.  I could draw, I was good at it, I got picked out of the herd of classmates to be ridiculed and tormented.. and man, can kids be torturously evil...  So the main line of defense?  Be quiet... stay quiet, until the second defense can kick in: Get them laughing with you before they start laughing at you.  Yeah, basic, but it's worked now for years.  I want people to think about that.  I'm a grown woman that still knows that if she goes out the door and does not do this she will be bullied and ridiculed.  Feel good now, society?

I've become a good judge of people faking.  And by this I mean all the people that are back stabbing, false friends.  Still a couple slip passed the radar, but I've saved myself a lot of issues (as recounted to me from people that did not believe me when I told them to be careful).

Oh, I forgot about the third defense: don't give a crap.  Now this is the hardest one for me, and I forgot it because at times I just cannot follow it.  But minor things, I can let slide, I can ignore.  Or I can make it look like I don't care long enough until I'm alone and then it will hit me, I'll break down, when I feel safe enough to do so.

I wish I could say that I've found a "mask free zone" outside of my home, but every time I tried before I would have to rebuild my heart and once bitten, twice shy.  I've been bitten so much I swear that I don't have pores in my skin, they're the fang marks I'm left with.

So until I find more mask free zones, or until my heart is forged out of tougher stuff, I will let people passed the barriers only after careful observation and time.