Thanksgiving post - a little delayed

Thanksgiving had been last Monday, here in Canada. I was filled with turkey on Sunday and we rested most of the actual holiday. I was messaging someone that I realized might not have seen my posts about cancer progression and from that conversation came something I thought would be a good blog post.

I hate cancer. It will one day take me from all I love, it has taken loved ones from my life and from the lives of others.  For now, I am here, so I can say one of the oddest things to ever come from me: there are ways I am grateful for my cancer. I'm not happy I have it, I'm not thrilled that it is trying to spread, but if I had never had cancer there's a few things I wouldn't know or have.

Because of my cancer I have many friends across this nation and the world that I would likely have never even known existed otherwise. I have had the rare and wonderful opportunity to meet others with various cancers and share with them our laments and our joys. I have several friends that do not have cancer but because of the way it helped connect us, we now have a friendship that I could not of dreamed of finding.

I know how much my husband values me. There's always tests in a relationship, there's stressful times and many tribulations. Despite all the horrors we've faced with cancer, my husband cares for me, his love has been unwavering. He shows me daily that he loves and cherishes me.

I've seen the kindness of strangers. I have been able to witness and experience the love given by someone that does not know more than your name and maybe a brief account of your affliction. Love coming from someone that has no connection going in is beautiful and becoming more unique. Although in my mind, if someone needs and you have or can help then you do, it is not the norm. That is something that I have slowly come to realize, but seeing that there are still some out there that feel the same way warms my soul.

I know that I am capable of being stronger in spirit than I would have thought. There have been times that I thought of the next treatment and my shoulders would drop, my head would hang heavy, and my breath would be no more than a resound sigh. There were days that I wanted to say "no more", just stop everything because the feeling I would have to endure was abhorrent at best. But I did take that treatment. I did bare the effects and make it through to the better days. Part of it was for me, but part of it was for my family and friends. I'm not saying it to place any weight on their shoulders, I'm saying it because I know if our roles were reversed and I was watching them deal with this, I would hope that they could find the strength to hold on as long as they could, to stay in my life. I am not ashamed to admit that I selfishly want my friends here to talk to. I have lost so many to this date that I do not want to hear the words "they're gone" one more time. I do not want them to hear that I am gone, either.

I will also admit that some days I do wonder if I am becoming more of a burden with all that has happened since the car collision in 2008. I have become limited in physical capability due to the MVA, something that has made dealing with cancer worse. If I was a fully functioning adult there are some things that would be easier with this cancer life. I still continue, however. I do what I can and try to accept what I cannot do.

I hate cancer, I would not wish it on anyone. I cannot deny the good that this mass of unruly cells has brought into my life, though. I am grateful for the lighter side of this experience, but would still like it if one day I was told the cancer was irradiated or would be forever manageable from that day forth.

Ode to Today

I am exhausted, I am stressed
My mind is spinning, the house is a mess.
Cleaning is not happening, a guess?
No motivation is currently possessed


I must nurse our canine
Corral the kids, protect the felines
“Don’t hold her like that” is a common line
Ask me how I fare? “Oh, fine”


Chemo to take, and caffeine to think
Want to just slip in bed and sink
Hide in the covers, gone in a blink
Forget, disappear, let my mind sync


Clothes to fold and put them away
Stand looking at the room with only dismay
Appointments, calls, food needs made
Close my eyes and heart to today


I cannot feel outside of the void
Different methods with, I have toyed
The result the same, still annoyed
Throw on a smile, a worthy decoy


Do what I must and continue
Trudge, walk, crawl, roll through
Tomorrow may be different, true
But the darkness still floods deeper in hue

Are You Ballsy?

I want to give a shout out to Thomas Cantley.  He is pushing around a giant 6' inflatable testicle to bring awareness to testicular cancer and men's health.  Many of you know Thomas from his fabulous movement of "I Am Ballsy".  It can be found on Facebook *CLICKY HERE* or on his website *WEB CLICKY HERE*.

Thomas Cantley and the 6' inflatable ball. Photo from I Am Ballsy Facebook page

Thomas already crossed Canada, coast to coast, with this 6' companion.  The newest journey is taking place in the United States of America.  It will be 4000 miles across the country.  Check Ballsy's website or Facebook (links are above) for more information on locations and times.  Come on out and cheer him on!

Here's a video of Thomas speaking with Huffington Post:

Ballsy At Huffington Post 

 

Weight It Out

Of course one of the big hiccups in my life, even more so than cancer, has been the injuries from the MVA years ago.  One thing that has been a big factor in is weight management.  During my pregnancy with my daughter I had hoped I'd somehow find that niche that would allow me to maintain my weight and not gain a significant amount.  Some mothers can do this, even without turning to unhealthy habits like smoking.  Just keeping active and eating as well as you can is what everyone recommends.  That'd be fine for anyone without my injuries, but still I did my best.

Unfortunately, my best turned out to be the same as when I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Some would say to not sweat it, that with time it will come off, but with me, extra weight seems to mean my back is carrying more, therefore hurts more.  So I stick with what exercises I have been given from physio, do what low impact ones I know do not bother my back, and so forth.  This does make it a slow process.

I try to remind myself that it took me almost two and a half years to lose the weight after my son.  I had finally been reaching a healthy weight for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  That is my goal, a healthy weight.  I'm not aiming for unrealistic or sickly sizes.  I would be a stick figure if I was able to wear a size 2 pair of jeans.  Honestly, if I could even get within a size or two of what I wore when I was fit, I'd be content.

Many may say it is a quest for vanity, to be society's idea of pretty.  I'm not looking at that, however, I'm looking at my health.  Less weight and stronger muscles means potential less pain for me.  It means potential increases in play time with my kids.  It means possible health risks for the overweight may be avoided.  Don't get me wrong, with new, perky breasts on the way, a fit body would be fun and I will enjoy it, but it is not the sole reason by far.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you have extra weight, do what you and your body can.  If you cannot run, walk.  If you cannot walk, try biking.  If you cannot bike, try something new.  Getting up and walking around the couch will not get you far, but you are lapping everyone still sitting down.

Hoppy Easter - Renewal

Whether you celebrate Easter in the Christian sense or the magical Peter Rabbit sense, Easter is a time of renewal.  It is a time to shed the past, look to the future, and live in the present.  Spring has come to most of us (even in Canada), and this is, itself, the rebirth of the seasons.

If you are Christian, you see it as the celebration of Jesus Christ exiting his tomb, validating his claims all the more, giving weight to his promise of paradise, and belief to his Father.  He started a new chapter in religions, he created Christianity that day, bringing the well know verses:

¹⁵ That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
¹⁶ For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
¹⁷ For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. (John 3:15-17)

For those that are in it for the chocolate, that bunny is surrounded by symbols of beginning: eggs, chicks, flowers, nests, and more.  Granted most are carved from candy and devoured like you were starved for a week straight.

Even if you do not celebrate either of these, rebirth and renewal is surrounding you.  The skies deepen their blue, the grass begins to grow and green, trees bud, roots stretch, and babies are prepared for in every corner of the earth.  

Some of us will not be looking at the outdoors and thinking, "It's time to start, again."  Some will be wondering why things must end.  Why must things be taken from us, much the way that winter steals the growth.  But, it is through this way that renewal may come.  Through loss, no matter how tragic and senseless, we find new paths, new friendships, new perspectives that would never be seen if we did not first lose.  I do not want to take away from the fact that the tragedy occurred, but ask for those grieving and questioning fairness or justice to find their time to lament, and let themselves find their renewal, their rebirth.  Be the phoenix rising from the flames.  Be the joy from despair.

Mentally Surviving Cancer

Anyone that has found out they have cancer knows that not only are you going to be fighting the cancer in your body, but you will also be fighting a mental battle.  There will be a lot of thoughts and ways you view yourself that will threaten to bring you to a state of unbalance, anger, and depression.  Here's some thoughts from me to help with the post diagnosis time of your life:


Forgive yourself for having cancer.
I know this seems like a silly thing to say but one of the first things most think about, after the shock of the fact they have cancer, is to question "Why?".   No matter if it is genetic, something you encountered in your past, because you turned left and not right as the moon rose in the night sky, you are not being punished, you are not being singled out, you are not at fault.  Sometimes "bad" things just happen.  And, it may be hard to see now, but there is a chance that you will find a lot good throughout the experience.

Find the sexy in your new body.
A lot of treatments can lead to scars, indents in your body, or missing parts.  This was deemed necessary by your counsel of doctors/physicians, but that doesn't make the end result any less hard to live with.  Your body has been altered.  You are not the "you" that you had come to see day in and day out for all the previous days of your life.  As an adult you may find that you feel less attractive, you are scared to show this part of you, and your reflection is an ever present reminder of being diagnosed.  You may need a lot of time and solitude to find the acceptance you need to see that scar as a victory, see that missing piece of you as part of life and not a damnation.  If you already have a partner, talk with them about how your new body makes you feel.  If you do not have a partner, you must come to your own conclusion to when you want to tell prospective loved ones of your journey.  Fear of rejection is something we encounter whenever we share something intimate, like having (had) cancer.  Just remember if they cannot accept that part of your life, they don't deserve you.  No matter what love yourself and treat yourself with respect, don't accept anything less from someone else.

Cut the stress ties.
You have enough on your mind, if someone or something is only a source of stress, sever the connection.  Some will be so kind as to cut the ties themselves, making you feel abandoned.  It hurts to admit it, but some people are only fair-weather friends and do not care for you as deeply as you care for them.  This is almost more difficult to deal with than your sexual identity and the blame that you place on yourself for having cancer.  You need companionship, it helps with fighting the feeling of isolation you may encounter.  Having people berate, belittle, abuse you will not help you, even if you did not have cancer.  Hold those that love you close, say goodbye to those that cannot find it in themselves to cherish you.

Take a Cancer Vacation.
You may say this is a ridiculous notion but hear me out. Your mind needs a break, it needs down time, just like your body needs a rest between treatments.  So, either during the before mentioned breaks or after treatment is completed, take a vacation from your cancer, even if only for a day.  Find some friends that you can party with that know you just need a day to be you and not the cancer patient.  Run away by yourself for a relaxing time, lock yourself in a spa and forget about hospitals for a day.  Hide away with the family in a hotel and just enjoy each other with no IV's, surgeons, or cancer ribbons in sight.  Try to take as much time as you can, but at least get 24 hours under your belt to help rejuvenate your mind.

Find someone you can talk cancer to.
Doctors do not count here (unless the are survivors themselves).  Find someone that has (had) cancer and can relate to your situation.  They may not have (had) the same cancer, they may have (had) the same type but different treatments, it doesn't matter.  You need someone that can fully understand you.  Someone that understands what it feels like to have cancer put their life on hold.  You may find someone outside of an organization, or you may seek out a support group.  There's also organizations that hold retreats and conferences like Young Adult Cancer Canada.  Seek out a "cancer buddy".  Not only will your mental state benefit from this but it will give your loved ones a break from constant cancer talk.  They love you but need a break from cancer, too.

Get a pro.
When it comes down to it, you are going through a mentally straining situation.  Find a social worker or psychologist that can make sure your mental health is going in the right direction.  *This is not being weak*, this is being smart.  Friends and family are great, cancer buddies can give you advice, but when it comes down to it, you need someone that is a professional and has experience helping those going through cancer.  If you are having financial difficulties, these people may have groups/resources to help in that manner, or know who does. Many cancer centres have a list of social workers that are covered through insurance (and in Canada by your provincial health coverage).


I'm sure there's lots of other ideas and methods to help.  Try to remember to take it one step at a time, one chemo at a time, one treatment at a time.  You are still yourself, you are not your cancer.

Preventative Surgery

As many have heard by now, Angelina Jolie has had prophylactic breast mastectomies (and reconstruction) after discovering she carries the BRCA1 gene.  This, to me, is great news in that she has openly admitted that anyone can carry the gene, she is still in the young adult category and is admitting to being at risk of cancer, but above all else, she is encouraging people that if they have the option to have surgery to lessen their risk of cancer they should feel no judgement or guilt for doing so.

Choosing to have preventative surgery is not new to the medical field.  It is a personal choice and I ask everyone to not belittle someone's beliefs for either choosing to have it or to not have it.

The following is an exerpt from omg.yahoo's "The Juice":

Angelina Jolie, known for being fiercely private, has made a very personal disclosure.
The Oscar-winning actress reveals in an emotional op-ed for the New York Times that she underwent a double mastectomy earlier this year after a blood test showed she was genetically susceptible to cancer.

"The truth is I carry a 'faulty' gene, BRCA1, which sharply increases my risk of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer," she writes. "Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy."

The 37-year-old mother of six says her decision was triggered in part by the death of her mother, Marcheline Bertrand, who passed away from cancer at the age of 56. 

Over the course of three months, beginning in February and ending in late April, Jolie went through a series of medical procedures to have her breasts removed and then reconstructed. And her fiancé, Brad Pitt, stood by her side every step of the way.

"I am fortunate to have a partner, Brad Pitt, who is so loving and supportive," says Jolie. "Brad was at the Pink Lotus Breast Center, where I was treated, for every minute of the surgeries. We managed to find moments to laugh together. We knew this was the right thing to do for our family and that it would bring us closer. And it has."

Though she managed to keep the procedures under wraps, she says that she wanted to come forward now "because I hope that other women can benefit from my experience."

Jolie -- who says her chance of developing breast cancer has dropped "from 87 percent to under 5 percent" -- encourages any woman who is considering taking such a major step in safeguarding their health to discuss their risk factors with doctors as well as their options.

"On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman," she says. "I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity."

"Life comes with many challenges," she concludes. "The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of."

image care of ynaija.com

Unexpected miracles

Friends and family are now aware, but I've experienced a miracle recently.  Despite having 6 rounds of toxic chemotherapy, I am giddily happy to let the interwebs now know that I am pregnant.  I have spoken to my oncologist about this, and they wish me all good wishes.  The fact that the egg could create an embryo means the chemo did not affect my eggs to the point of sterilization and should not cause any side effects.

I know what it is like to be on the other side of the fence, now.  I have friends that cannot have children, and for a while, I was counted among them.  Seeing posts of growing bellies and constant updates of "baby so-and-so" now doing this or that can tear at your sanity.  I was always happy for my friends, but so bitter inside because that was one more thing cancer had taken from me.  I find that I am holding back a lot with posts about the pregnancy out of respect for that feeling.  I do not want to have my friends come to the point of needing to block my posts in their Facebook news feed.  Which, in some cases, was a necessary step to be able to face my own news feed the past two years.

If anyone has questions, I will answer them as best I can, but for the most part I will be limiting my pregnancy posts from this point on.  Thank you for all your support.  And, for those of you out there facing cancer now: there is hope.  Cancer may take a lot, but I hope you always find one thing that you thought it stole from you and can once more claim it as your own.  xoxo

Light the World

If I asked of everyone to light a candle for all those taken from me because of cancer all their homes would shine quite brightly.  The flicker would help remind us all that life is a delicate balance of feeding desires, fulling needs, and too much of either can cause it to snuff out.  The speed at which it descended the wick would depend on the quality of the life, the care put into creating it, but anything could arise and break the finest made candle.  That wouldn't make the warmth that it caused any less real, and it would not make the joy it brought any less meaningful.

But, instead of lighting a wick in your home, instead of digging out the matches, I ask of you to please ignite a flame within your heart.  Please try to bring warmth with your words and your thoughts.  Make the kindness flow through your veins and radiate from your actions.  Bring joy to your surroundings with every beat of your heart.  Honour those that could not make their heart beat any longer, but their light shone the brightest despite their conditions.  Bring love to your behaviours and make the world shine every day.

All In Who You Know

The old adage is as true as there is water in the seas: it is all in who you know.  Some may think I am referring to financial or business success, but I am not.  What about your mental and physical well-being?  When it comes down to it, if you are surrounded by people that love, respect, admire your inner traits, and truly care for you, you will have a better outlook of yourself.  If your friends are always there when you need them, always willing to listen to you and offer sincere advise to help better you with no ulterior motives, then would you not find your soul nurtured?

When it comes down to it, you have so many that are out there with only their interests in mind.  These are the people that are gone the second you need help, but on your doorstep the moment they are in crisis.  They belittle you, call you down, criticize, neglect, and sometimes physically hurt you.  You cannot expect to have a healthy attitude or even maintain your physical health if you are surrounded by this sort of companion.

A great example of rising above your surroundings was shown to me last week when I met Eric Crookshank, former captain of the Halifax Rainmen at BCANS.  His talk was entitled “Perseverance  Through  Adversity”.  My mind started calculate all the hardships he had endured and still succeeded in becoming a great person.  Yes, he is a great business man, but I mean he is a genuinely wonderful soul.  As he told his story he would reference his best friends and his mother, they had become great strengths to him.  They were a focused beam of light that showed him that he had the potential to be better, through his facets, they showed him the rainbow of opportunities and support.  It was not his friends that created his success, but they were his boosters, his patrons.  They would help lift each other up, not try to hold each other down.

I find myself looking at my equations and finding that I have not had the right mix of support.  I have stumbled many times with giving my friendship and love to those that were out to pull me down.  I am thankful to see that some that I thought would not want me have smiled and openly accepted me.  Some have started to express nothing but admiration for my qualities.  These are the people we all need.  These are the ones we need to know.

Who am I?

I ask "who am I?"

Am I the cancer that invaded my tissues or organs?  Am I the lost amongst the statistics?  Am I the forgotten in the sea of sponsoring corporations?  Am I the one that forfeited their claim to a healthy life?  Am I the astray because I have fallen?  Am I the dismembered or disfigured?  Am I the broken dreams?  Am I the shortened sight?  Am I the pain?  The torture?  The sorrow?  The loneliness?

I am the one that cries because of my strength.  I am the one that faced death and did not give in.  I am the confident because I must be.  I am the defier, I am the stubborn.  I am the unstoppable, even if death wins.  I am the courageous because I will not yield.  I am the caring because I have lost.  I am the victor because I am powerful.

I will be weak, I will be strong.  I will bend, but I will not break.  I will risk, for that is how reward is found.  I will be vulnerable, I will be benevolent.  I will stumble, but I will rise.

Who am I?  I am what and who I let myself be.  I am me.  And, I am unstoppable.

Bright Lights

It is in the darkest of hours that the smallest light shines its brightest. - Me (Julie Michaud)

It is something that many have heard said differently, but it remains true.  It is when the world seems the most bleak that we can acknowledge the tiniest form of good.  When you know someone is having a bad day, week, month, or more, you don't need to do a grandiose gesture to cheer them up.  Something as simple as buying them a coffee or tea, showing up to invite them out for a drive or walk, sending a handwritten letter to them, or sending them a movie night out coupon can be just the spark they need to remember that people do care about them.

Obviously this all depends on the person and your own financial situation.  A parent cannot always drop everything and go for a drive.  A patient cannot always have a coffee or go for a night out.  There are so many little things that can brighten a person's outlook on life for you to choose from.  Simply evaluate what you know would mean something to the person.  Would a surprise bouquet of flowers, maybe their favorite species, help give them a reason to smile?  Perhaps a half dozen cupcakes could perk their spirits.

What I do not recommend is what a lot of people tend to do.  Do not belittle their strife.  You may have had a similar experience, draw on that as a way to know how to help them, do not mock how they are reacting to it.  Offer valid advice, not criticism.  It may have taken a lot of courage to express how the person is feeling.  Critiquing has it's place but not when trying to help someone out of the darkness.  If you honestly cannot relate, don't.  Just be there for them in any way you can.  Do not use the phrase "I could never handle what you're going through", you mean well but that phrase is so infuriating to most (I bet they have heard it non-stop already), so try to keep that one under wraps.

Best phrase "how can I help you?" and mean it.  If they say they need help piecing their life together, help them find the professional help they need.  If they need one hour to themselves, help them figure a way to get that time.  If they just need you to sit there and hear them bleed their heart out, get comfy and let them do it.

Be the light in the darkness.  Be the hope in despair.  Be the strength in their weakness.  Be their friend in the void.  Angels don't all have wings, most just have an open heart and kindness flowing from them.

It's a mental thing

Surgery was completed.  They had some issues, my muscles didn't want to co-operate so they had to be more forceful.  Therefore, I was in more pain than the average person.  Healing was followed by a great dose of idiocy on the part of my husband's work, but it got sorted out enough to cause only a minor hiccup in the healing process.

Things discovered in these past two weeks include a couple items that I am not too happy to admit.  I am very much self conscious of my image.  The surgery, although a success, was not something to close the book on my journey to seem more female.  The "breasts" do not match and one is much smaller than the other...  Not to mention that it also does not have any form of shape of a breast.  All this has entered my mind and caused me to feel like no matter what, my body will never look anything close to what I once had.  Perhaps it was childish to think that I could appear as I once did, a fairytale ending to the painful journey, but it was a hope from the start.  I need to start accepting that I will have a very different body.  I will not have what I once did, I will be different in appearance.

Another thing I'm noticing, I am coming to loathe hearing people talk about how much the are helping those with breast cancer by running a marathon.  I have met so many people that will never be touched by the funds being funneled into these high-profile walks.  The money will go to advertising, maybe some to research, perhaps there will even be a fraction of a percentage that goes to a support group somewhere in a large city.  If you want to raise money for the organization, that's fine, but don't think you're going to make me all fuzzy because you tell me how much you support that annual run.

I am hoping to one day feel more accepting of the many different feelings and awarenesses that I am experiencing.  I know this will be a long journey, but I will travel it.  I will try to find more understanding within myself, and perhaps understand and accept the things that I am enduring.

A quick look inside my head

People seem confused as to why those that have been affected by cancer say that they will always have that "monkey on their back".  Well there's a lot that we deal with before even approaching cancer diagnosis.  So I'm going to give you an idea of the thoughts that pass through my head in about a minute.  Enjoy:

• Will this reconstruction work?
• Why is there a burning feeling at the port?
• Will this pain in my chest go away soon?  Is it just the muscles being cranky like the doctor said?
• Why couldn't that driver have paid attention so I didn't have these injuries now?
• Will my shoulder and back ever be normal again?
• Why won't my doctors condone me trying medicinal marijuana? I've tried every other frigging drug they gave me to put in my body
• Is my son going to be affected by having a mom with breast cancer in his first years of life? Will this cause some form of scarring I can't do a thing to prevent?
• Is that ache a sign the cancer didn't get fully contained?
• Will my husband have to sail despite my condition?  Anything can change if there is a war.
• Why can't people be more supportive of military families instead of berating them for saying they wish their significant other wasn't going to need to leave them for their job.
• Will we have enough money even though I cannot work anymore from my injuries?
• Will I ever get a settlement for my injuries?
• Dammit >_< my back is killing me
• Stupid arm, stop having nerve pain.
• Will I be able to walk normally today?
• What if there's a complication from the surgery to replace the expanders with the implants?
• Should I not try to get any more saline put in the expanders?
• I wish I saw my friends more often.
• I miss a lot of friends that seem to not think I'm important.  Just because I'm not important to them it didn't mean they weren't important to me back then.
• Will the cancer come back?  Will I get a new form of cancer?
• Will my son have me throughout his life?
• I wish I had more support close by but I'm thankful for the support I do have
• I'm getting hungry...
• I know I'm forgetting to do something I was supposed to...
• What if I can't stay this strong for much longer?
• Why can't my ribs stop hurting?
• Bloody back...
• What's that song?  I like it...
• KITTEHS!=D
• Wish I could find a close place with Karaoke
• I miss going out dancing... blah!
• I hope my son has a lot more opportunities than I had

Well, that's enough for now.  Hope you had a great weekend!

Sometimes you gotta laugh

^_^

Self

How does one maintain your "self" when you feel so torn?

I know this feeling I'm having is not helped by the feeling of "dragging" myself along my life since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  As soon as someone is told they have cancer, your life, your plans, your dreams go on hold, health and treatment take priority.  But being slung into a world of chemo, surgeries, radiation, and whatever else they think is required to destroy the cancer can cause you to be sucked into a vortex that is not easy to crawl out of.

Life gives you more obstacles as it goes.  We learn to duck and weave, we jump hurtles, we bounce back from blows, and continue on our journey.  For some, cancer becomes a yoke, that even if it is lifted, you find yourself far behind your original path, or in completely unfamiliar territory.

My lament?  I have a self that is not realized and it's starting to cloud me.  I am slowly gaining my confidence and abilities to be the mother/wife that I was pre-cancer.  I need to realize that some friends are never going to be more than "someone I once knew" (that's one of the hardest for me).  There is a self that I know took to the sidelines long ago because I needed more time.  I needed more focus on things like income, housework, and life's winding paths.  It is something I have been trying to rekindle, trying to find a way to weave it back into its past potential.  It is my artist self.  I feel more like "Julie" when I'm an artist.  I don't feel like I am in a void, I feel purpose, I feel whole.

I get a moment every once and a while to let it out, but it's not like it once was.  It's not the intensity it used to be.  I need to find that balance that allows me to be all parts of me: mother, wife, cancer dominater, and the Julie formerly known as artist.  My only hope and wish is that once some things are behind me, the reconstruction, some personal things within my life are resolved, I will find answers as to how to find this new balance.  Perhaps my focus will be easier to master once I feel my cancer chapter is more finalized.  Here's hoping...

"I thought it was over?"

Something many people who have never had cancer seem to not realize is that even after treatments are done, the person that had cancer is never going to be the same.  Never.  We have faced death in the eye, a good amount of us made him blink first, and some of us had to learn to live with his hand on our shoulder.  No matter which category the person falls in, they can never go back to their "pre-cancer" life.  Even if the scars fade, even if the hair grows back, even if our plastic surgeons do immaculate work at recreating our bodies, we will forever be scarred in our hearts and minds.

I'm not saying that the person that had cancer is a trainwreck.  I'm saying, don't expect your friend, family member, or spouse to dust themselves off and say, "Well, back to what I was doing before diagnosis."  After coming to terms with the fact that you had something so deadly in your body, after resolving to get through all the treatments that poisoned the cancer as well as yourself, after getting the okay to resume normal activities, you will have a person that has been through a traumatic experience.  Fear of reoccurance will forever be in the back corner of their mind.  Every pain and ache that so many can brush off will be a jolt of terror.

Your life is changed, whether you like it or not, after having a cancer diagnosis.  Some can use this as the opportunity to better themselves as a person, they can become more confident in what they need to do.  Others can feel washed out with the tide, bobbing in the sea and trying to figure out if they should swim for the closest shore or the nearest boat.  But is that shore a mirage?  Is that boat sinking?  Some people find their circle of friends shrinks in some ways and grows in others.  Those that say they would stand by your side no matter what are called on their oath.  Unfortunately, sometimes the ones you were depending on to help you are the first to pull the rug out from under you.  Some friends that you didn't think would want to be near you are the ones that step up and help you to be at ease with your journey.  Some people will just fade away...

Where am I going with this blog post?  Don't be surprised if you are greeted with blank stares if you say to a person, "So what are you going to do now that you're back to normal?" or "Why do you need that, your cancer is gone?" (When referring to support or other treatments like plastic surgery once the cancer seems to be fully removed/eradicated).  Just because we made it through the treatment phase or have the cancer "under control" it doesn't mean we're jumping back into our old routines, as much as we may wish we could.  That's one of the dark sides of surviving through cancer, you are never going to have your life the way it was before.  For some, however, it can turn out to be the best wake up call they ever received.

Getting more breasty

I had my reconstruction surgery last Tuesday.  I opted for having another mastectomy and two expanders put in place.  This means that over time the doctor will put saline solution in my expanders (that are placed in my chest under the skin and muscle) and slowly stretch the area until it can hold the preferred size of implants that will be my new breasts.  Down side - because I did have 25 rounds of radiation on my right chest there is a chance that I will not be able to stretch that side due to the skin being damaged during the treatment.  There is still a chance I can do this procedure and not have any excessive complications.  And to add help with the healing, Tarol and Danielle from Goblins Comic (an awesome read, if you're not reading it, start now!) sent me Big Ears, a paladin from the comic.  He is by my side to help me on my journey. :)

Here's a pic of me with Ears close to an hour after the surgery

I may look drugged because I most definitely was!  And yes, that is the blanket of adorable evil from Looking for Group ;)

Fears

Fear is a part of life.  We have minor petty fears that are in our minds to keep us from trying things that are dangerous, things like "be wary of some animals, they can kill you".  This is normal, we need fear to strengthen us at times, we need it to drive us, and to help keep us aware of our surroundings.  But some fears can be paralyzing.  They can be something that grips at your heart and freezes you in terror.  This can be a phobia at times, an accentuated fear that we have of something reasonable but that personally you find to be more severe than the average person, like arachnophobia.  My moment of terror, aside from those creepy spiders that are larger than a twoonie (Canadian lingo for a two dollar coin), came creeping on a three word sentence, "It is cancer."

The fear was not that the large tumour in my breast was actually ductal carcinoma, it was something else.  I did not want to die.  And in my life, cancer had become pretty synonymous with death.  Not an immediate death, but a timeline much sooner than I would ever want.  The worst fear that came with my cancer verdict?  The fear of not seeing my son grow up.  The very, very close second: not spending decades more with my husband.  That fear filled me.  The terror that something in my body could possibly keep me from my future was paralyzing.  It was also motivating.  I had to make it through if there was a way.  As long as there was a chance, I would take it.  I would undergo any treatment to be rid of the cancerous cells and bring my risk of death at 29 years old down to the normal statistics.  To quote Geoff Eaton, "1% is not 0%", if there was a possibility, I would not give up.

I would like to take a second and ask everyone to think and pray for those that fought the statistics and could not turn them in their favour.  Those that had to leave their loved ones behind.  Their fears were not stronger than those of us still here, and I know they were not weaker people.  They simply could not fight the odds and as far as I have met, they were some of the strongest people you could ever meet.  Many of them left legacies and memories of how powerful they were despite having something plaguing their bodies and emotions.  I commend them and their loved ones.  They are the best examples of courage.

Our fears may not be something that can truly be conquered, they may be something that can cause weaker souls to crumble, but fears will always bring out the true self.  They will show the strong, they will show the heart, they will show the compassion that humans can possess.  They will show the cowardice, they will show the heartlessness, and they will show the ruthlessness of others.  My hope is that when we come to face our fears that we cling to our hearts and stand boldly as we decide to be a person of value or give in to the trepidation that plagues us.

Bald Princesses

Found this on the interwebs :)

Even the Disney Princesses support Shave for the Brave!