With all the buzz of resolutions in the air, the broken ones, the unattainable ones, the too simple/easy ones, and the realistic ones, I find that the talk coming from most is about what people are giving up this year. Or at least trying to give up. I finally made a resolution. First year in I don't know how long that I really made one that I meant as something to be resolved in the coming calendar year. But I'm starting to wonder if I should have made one more...
I've been no stranger to trials and tribulations. From issues as a child: family troubles, bullying, isolation, to adult matters: betrayals, health, and financial issues, I've had my share of problems to deal with. One thing is, I keep going back, in my mind, wishing I had had the insight to avoid the distress and predicaments that could have circumvented. As much as I hear and try to believe that none of it was my fault, and there was nothing I could have done about it, I find it difficult to accept that. I need to, though. There were signs, there were feelings, and I did not know how to react to them. I was blinded by hope and trust that should not have been so freely given, but that is how I am. If you put yourself out there, there are lots of people that would like to take advantage of that. My soul was mortally wounded by two people in my life, I will forever have those scars.
So what is the point I'm trying to make? I was thinking that I should have resolved to give something, I'm wondering if I should have made a resolution to try to forgive. Not just try to find it in my heart and soul to forgive those that so openly hurt and decimated my trust, but to forgive myself for not reacting quick enough to avoid the wounds they brought me. Forgive myself for being so capable of being blinded to what the person truly was.
Perhaps its better to not be a resolution. New Years resolutions have a stigmata of being broken 95% of the time. Maybe this is something I should actually just try to make part of my life. It will not happen over night, that's for sure. But maybe in a couple years, or if I'm lucky, several months. There's no simple "flick a switch" to make my mindset adjust to what I'm trying to achieve, but I think if I can come to terms with my frailty in blind trust, I can start down the path I'm trying to travel on. All I can do is admit I need to do it, and start to do something about it.