33 months

Today is a hard day.  I have come to the conclusion that February 15th and I do not have a healthy relationship.  February 15th is the date for both of my mastectomies, but today is not difficult because of that.  Today is harder than some days because this is 33 months from the time we discovered my cancer had metastasized.  In the US studies, the average life span for stage 4 breast cancer patients is 33 months.  We do not have any proper statistics, that I can find, that are for Canadians.  And even if we look fully at the US studies, they do not include people like me, they are only for people diagnosed stage 4 at the start of their breast cancer diagnosis.

I find today hard because there was a chance I would not make it here.  Statistics said I might not see my son turn 3 years old.  They said that I might not see my daughter off to her first day of school.  I definitely would not see my eldest go to jr high, if this had been true statistics for my situation.  Even though these numbers that we are told after diagnosis are from the past, they still hit me hard.  I know many that have lived passed the 33 month mark, but I know a lot that have not even made 12 months.  Some did not even make 6 months.

There are a lot of emotions at play today.  I am happy to be here, I am tired because of the chemotherapy, I am pissed at all the snake oil salesmen and misinformation pushers that pounce on unsuspecting cancer patients, I am grateful for my chemo that has helped me be here today, I am thankful for my medical team, I am sad for all my friends that are not here, today.

I will have a lot of ups and downs today.  I just need to see the day through, but now I wonder if I am on borrowed time.