Tuesday, 11 October 2011

Displaced anger

I need to start this rant off with first saying, I am very happy for those that have been able to get pregnant and carry their beautiful baby to term.

That being said...

I find myself very, very upset at the abundance of pregnancy photos, fetus talk, and baby growth updates that keep popping up on my facebook newsfeed.  Yes, as I said, I am happy for my friends and their loved ones, but it's a kick in the face when I get reminded that there's a good chance that I will not be able to have any more children.  I might have gotten my periods back, but there's still a chance that my eggs did get hurt or destroyed in chemo treatments.  And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant I will always, always wonder if the chemo could have injured the egg somehow that will effect the child later in life.

I have friends that cannot get pregnant, cannot carry a child, and some that are just finding out that they need their ovaries removed.  I can only imagine the pain they hold in their hearts every time they see pictures of children or the "pregnancy log" photos that are splattered on the web these days.  And, again, I don't want those that are going through this cherished time to think I'm attacking them, this is a vent session.  This is something that cancer may have taken from me, and as a young woman, it hurts my heart a lot.  I love having my son and always intended to have at least one more child.  But now with the length of time I need to wait to try again, and after all the horror stories of how cancer treatments can affect your reproductive parts/cycles, it just so disheartening.

Hopefully, I will be able to have at least one more baby.  And, hopefully they will be completely healthy and happy.  But until then, don't be surprised if you do not see me posting on many of your weekly/daily updates on your fetus' progress.  It's not that I don't support you, it's that my heart hurts too much to try to be the support you need to hear.  I'm angry at the cancer, not you or your baby.

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