Wednesday, 12 October 2011


Since I got to see the movie 50/50 (thanks to YACC), the word "Isolation" has been stuck in my head on repeat.  Kind of like when you're in a bad relationship and someone on the outside just mentioned that you don't look like you're feeling well.  Even though they didn't bring up the relationship, you start thinking about why you don't feel good.  Your mind starts evaluating everything, and if you're lucky, you'll notice that your relationship isn't a co-dependent love based one.  But that's a different story.

My jogger was when someone mentioned I looked tired.  I realized today that I am tired.  I'm tired of trying to be strong all the time, I'm tired of looking at the piles of boxes that need to be dealt with, I'm tired of getting frustrated, and I'm tired of having to justify myself all the time.  But worse than that, I'm tired of feeling alone.

Now, I'm not truly alone, I have a great husband that I love and he loves me just as much, we have our wonderful son, I have family close by, that's more than a lot of people have.  I'm lonely because I feel set apart from my friends.  I've had several situations drive wedges between us and cancer was a biggie.

My good friends are few and far between, as it is with most people.  And because of life changing constantly I rarely see them.  And if I do there's one thing that we cannot relate about, there's an elephant always reading the paper behind me.  That elephant has "The One That Had Cancer" tattooed on it's forehead and sides, always visible.  And it's not like it's easy for people to forget right now.  I am missing a breast (and the one that's left isn't the smallest breast one could have), my hair is short and wild, and I'm still scheduling around appointments.

People think I'm selfish for wanting reconstruction now, not years later, because I'm "healthy" now, and should just be grateful for that.  Well guess what.  I am selfish.  I want to look at myself and feel like the elephant behind me is starting to fade away.  I want to close the book and feel I can relate more to my friends, especially since I'm having a hard time finding other young adults in my area that have had cancer, especially my type...

I want to restart my life and I'm stuck on hold with Michael Bolton instrumental elevator music on the other end, repeating the same freaking song every time! >_<  I need tech support, not taunting!!

I guess I've slightly digressed from my point, but what I'm trying to say is my loneliness is making me tired.  I'm trying to be tough but I'm losing that battle right now.  I want to be strong but my weakness is getting in the way.  Right now I just need a hug.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there. I totally understand what you mean. When you have cancer, having people around doesn't make it any less lonely. But it's hard for anyone who hasn't been there to truly get it.
    Good luck with everything! I'll keep reading :-)