This is going to be a rant. Straight out, typing till my fingers fumble, letting all the tears run out from behind the monitor, nonsensical at times ranting. So if you don't want to be bothered with such a post please await the next post on this blog, otherwise, be prepared to listen to the daemons in my heart.
I'm young(ish), I have so much that I want to do, so much I planned to do and I'm at a freaking road block. I'm dealing with so much crap it's unreal. I lost so much so quickly forget my head spinning, my entire body did a 180° turn, collapsed and began somersaulting... Stuff happens, I know this. You lose friends and family members to death, and worse, lies, you lose pets, you lose your health... You lose, flat out. But to lose so much in less than two years is a weight I was not prepared for in the least. Ha, prepared.. who would be? I lose my mobility, my ability to work, my faith in a lot of people, the one girl I thought would stand by me no matter what to lies, another good friend and a dear uncle lost to the reaper too soon, lose my health, my functionality, financial freedoms, my independence, my body, perhaps my womanhood.. what did I not lose? Short list but still a good list: I have my husband, my son, my family, a handful of friends I can rely on to actually be there for me, and I am here.
Do I want pity, no! Do I want hand outs, no! What do I want? I want my life back. It wasn't just cancer, it wasn't just the losses, it wasn't just the dependence that I now have. It wasn't just one of them, it was all of them. I feel like the leaning Tower of Pisa, my foundation got destroyed on one side and now everyone is standing back and pointing at me, gawking as I slowly fall over. A small handful place bags of sand on one side to try to keep me from toppling over but it's a feudal attempt to correct my stance.
I want to be able to spend some time on the things I love (loved) and have the ability to do them at my leisure. I want to be able to care for my son 24/7 without my back feeling like its going to snap in half if a feather falls on it, I want to be able to earn an income but cannot even do housework, I want to get my artwork going, I want to be able to do the things I once could before November 24th 4:30ish pm...
And I'm tired of having so many people think I should bow to their will. I'm not that kind of person. So you can piss off and go find someone else to try to boss around. I'm not interested.
I want to closeness I once had with friends and family before all this crap happened...
I want it, but what makes the tears well up, what makes my heart crush into dust, what makes my soul despair is that I know there is nothing -nothing- that I can do. None of it is up to me. I cannot do more than I try. I try to strengthen my body, my mind, my spirit, I try to care for my family, I try to do what I can and it's not enough. And after talking with some doctors I'm starting to realize it may never be enough. Am I plateauing? I might be. This might be the lifestyle I must come to terms with - and I hate it for it. I feel trapped in my own body. Trapped in my own life.
Oh, don't be such a dramaqueen, I'm sure you're blowing it out of proportion! Well guess what, I wish I was.. I wish it was that simple. Everyone's life is moving forward at a speed that it should, mine slowed to a snail's pace, being passed my all whom I know.
People start talking about fault and blame, why the hell does there have to be someone or something to blame?? And people like to talk about karma, but fact is bad things will happen to good people, but if you were a good person at least people will want to help you when things go wrong.. At least they'll want to help you if they're not ignorant bastards that are so self-righteous that they cannot see passed their stuck up noses. I'm not at fault for my back injury nor my cancer, but some people like to place some kind of guilt trip on anything that happens.
Speaking of back, mine is starting to remind me I've sat too long and I must go try to calm the savage injury. So I go for now... I say this was a nonsensical rant, so don't say I didn't warn you if you made it to the end...