Post Conference 2018

Mike and I were privileged enough to attend the 2018 Young Adult Cancer Canada Survivor Conference at the beginning of the month.  We had the chance to connect with old friends and make new friends as 99 survivors/supporters were in attendance.  I was able to help with making sure everyone had some fun by raising funds for a social event, karaoke (YACCaraoke), at Karaoke Kops. It was the hottest spot in St John's that night!  Huge thanks and much gratitude to the staff and owners of Karaoke Kops!

We were able to attend workshops and discuss matters that have come to light in the past year.  There was a panel, a Big Cancer Hook Up, and many presenters.  Saying the conference was a success for YACC and their ideals is a gross understatement.

The aftermath of conference is one thing that is never easy to deal with.  It's the pain of having to leave your friends for at least another year.  It's the fear of how many friends will die between now and next year.  It's the fear that this was your last year.  That's the thing about making connections: they're awesome and help alleviate your loneliness and fear of isolation, but you are brought into this circle because of a terminal illness, some of us get to stay around longer than others.  I could never say I regret any of the connections I've made through YACC.  I've cherished every friend that I've met through them.  I weep at their death because they had so much that they wished they could do and I weep for the hole that their absence leaves in my heart.  But they are still in my heart.  Always thought of and fondly remembered.

I try to soak in the energy that many gave over the conference.  The laughter and joyful jubilation that saturated us.  To take the tears that were shed in stride and try to remember it is for my loss I cry, that their pain is finished.  I giggle at the jokes we told, I hold dear the smiles and happy faces, I recall the strong hugs and high fives.

I will try to spread the happy.  I will try to remember it is okay to cry.

 

Me and Mike on the bus for one of the social events at conference

Love that we had the opportunity to fly with Porter Airlines

Why Should You Shave for the Brave?

Wondering if you should participate in a Shave for the Brave?  Here's a few reasons to sign up for the razor:

• A shaved head is a great way to cool off in the summer
• Savings: think of all the money you won't be spending on shampoo!
• Less to pack. When traveling you won't need to remember a brush or comb
• No hair to hide your funky and classy earrings
• Saves time getting ready in the morning, no brushing or styling hair
• Shaving for the Brave means that other people are paying for you to get your hair cut
• As your hair grows in you can try funky colours and if you don't like them, you can just shave it off, again.
• Bald is beautiful: Just look at these ladies to name a few. Of course who could deny the beauty of Lupita Nyong'o or Danai Gurira
• Many women see bald men as attractive, just look at Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, and Jason Statham
• You can cosplay a lot more characters
• Wigs look a lot better when you wear them without hair underneath

And one of the biggest and best reasons to Shave for the Brave:

All the young adult Canadians that you'll help connect through Young Adult Cancer Canada's conferences and retreats.  It'll give you the warm fuzzies ;)

Shaving and Spring Fair for YACC

What a whirl-wind this weekend was.  We had the Spring Fair for YACC and the Shave for the Brave.  My son and several others shaved their hair for Young Adult Cancer Canada.  I'm happy to say that the group raised over $2,000 together.  We had the Spring Fair to raise funds for social events at the YACC Survivor Conference this June.  The total for that has been $600 raised.  I cannot thank everyone that helped me and stepped up, asking if there was anything they could do.  I admit I'm extremely sore after putting on the fair and shave but I'll gladly take being in pain for several days if it means fundraising for YACC and getting the word out that the organization exists.

There's still time to donate to either event.  If you want it to go towards the Shave for the Brave please donate using THIS LINK, it's for Archer's Team.  If you want to host your own Shave, please check out the link in the first paragraph.

If you'd like to donate towards the social events, either send me a message or contact YACC and let them know that's what you want the funds to go towards.  There's a link for them in the first paragraph, too.

I hope that we get to do this form of fundraiser again, the vendors said they had fun, many were happy to hear about an organization like YACC, and it was great to see the smiles and hear the laughter of people working towards something they believed in.  Take care guys. xoxo

Chloe Comic June 2017

Conference Emotional Rollercoaster

YACC Saved a Life Yesterday

When you think of a support group for young adults with cancer, you probably just envision a bunch of people in a circle talking about treatments and life expectancy.  I'll tell you now that that is not how any retreat or conference works, it is so much more than merely that.  It helps create friendships and connections that are so different from your typical ones.  There's something deeper in the relationships that you make while attending a YACC event.  And, yesterday that helped save someone's life.

I'm not going to say anything specific because of several reasons, but I think people need to understand both that it's okay to have dark feelings, and to also know there's a couple ideas that you can do to help friends that are away.

Yesterday hubby and I had taken all the children to grandparents' houses for the night (whooo! We get to sleep in!), and I received a message asking if I was not busy by any chance.  A friend was trying to reach me to let me know our mutual YACC friend had delved into a dark place and refused to look for help as much as they had begged them to call - they wanted to end it all, they didn't see any point in living.  I told my husband I had to go call the friend, he knew who they were, soon I was on the phone with them.  They didn't want to deal with the daily pain anymore, they were dealing with so much and it was weighing down their soul.  I didn't know how to deal with this, I'm not a trained crisis counselor, I'm just their friend, thousands and thousands of kilometers from them.  I had a heartbreaking moment of a thought of finding out that this friend was gone, like so many others that we had lost recently, and I said the only words I could think of.  "I'm selfish, I want to keep you here.  It's okay to have bad thoughts, it's okay to be tired of the pain, but I don't want to lose you.  Please call the crisis line!  Promise me you'll call them when we hang up.  I'm selfish and I want you here."  They agreed and promised they would.

When I spoke to the first friend that had messaged me about the our friend, it didn't consol them at all that they had promised.  They had told them they would call crisis line.  Our next thought was who could get to them so they had someone physically with them.  We think of two people, one that wasn't close enough to physically go there but that they are close to so a phone call would probably go a long way, and another that could probably be there in half an hour, someone that is very loving and that could give support in-person.  We contact the latter to get that ball rolling, the sooner someone is with the "darkened" YACCer, the better.  When contacting the first person mentioned, they are amazingly near the YACCer even though they're not normally within driving distance.  They would first call though, see if that can help in any way.  When they have no response to the call, my heart sunk, and they said they were turning around immediately to go to the YACCer's house.

Still terrified that something would happen before the other two arrived, I texted a connection to the YACC office.  They offered to call and talk with the YACCer.  Right now, keeping them busy and in contact until someone showed up in person was the best we could do.  And, the more people contacting them, the more they knew we loved them.

Things went amazingly well after that.  The friend from the office was on the phone with them until one person arrived, and had found out the YACCer did finally contact the crisis line.  They aren't normally this darkened, but it happened, and they were at risk of spiraling downward to the point of no return.  The second friend showed up and this gave the first arriving on the ability to be able to leave to reach work on time, but not before letting the YACCer know that they would be putting a lot more effort into making it out their way from now on.  That awesome friend that had arrived stayed with them for a long time.  The YACCer finally was able to eat and knew the crisis line was sending a counselor to see them soon.

Many will read this and think, that wasn't YACC, why would you say that YACC saved someone's life?  Well, everyone mentioned, other than the one at the office, was a person that had or has cancer and the only reason we know each other, the only reason we had each other's phone numbers and ability to message each other was because we met through YACC.  If we had not known each other, if we didn't all know that YACCer, they might not have seen today.  The world would be that much darker for losing their light in such a tragic way.  Our friend is alive and knows they are loved.  That is all thanks to the connection YACC has given us.  So, yes, I say, "YACC saved a life, yesterday."

Brave Day

Today is YACC's Brave Day.  Today is a day to talk about everything YACC is about and why Shave For the Brave is so important.  I'm going to write something here to help get my feelings across.

There's a lot that can go wrong in pregnancy, even when you're 40 weeks along.  There's a lot that still has a mother on edge other than feeling like a mobile bowling ball.  One thing I was not expecting was the surprise I got that morning.  I was slowly getting up to get my daughter ready for daycare. I didn't have to rush because my son had stayed the night at my father's so I didn't need to run out the door to get him to school.  I started for her room and did something I had been doing a lot lately: rub the sore spot on my chest.  This time I froze.  There was a bump on my bone.  Not a small dot, this felt about the size of a tangerine cut in half.  Survival mode kicked in as I heard my daughter calling me, I got her dressed and set up some breakfast for her.  After I had her distracted I frantically grabbed the pregnancy paperwork for the hospital and savagely dialed the cell phone at the top, it was my GP's (general practitioner) number in case I went into labour.  I knew he was going away on vacation so I didn't know what to expect.  Doing my best to not cry and blubber on the phone I tell him there's a lump coming out of my sternum, I don't know what to do.  He says he'll call right back, he's calling the local emergency centre to see about getting me in for some form of scan right away.  I took that moment to break down. My daughter was blissfully munching and watching a movie, I hid out of sight and fell apart - I know what this is, I'm scared, I know the only thing this can be, there's no way around it - the cancer came back.

This was in May, in September it would have been five years since my breast cancer diagnosis.  I would be called "cured" by a lot of standards, then.  I would have been "cancer-free".  Would have.  Back to that day, May 15th:

My doctor was actually pretty quick getting back to me, he told me to head in to the emergency centre, he had talked it out with the head of radiology at that location and had figured out that an ultrasound would give us a good idea of what what happening.  I agreed and hung up.  I called my husband's ship to tell him what was going on, one problem, no one has seen him and he's not answering pipes. Enter panicked Julie.  I remembered his ship that he had been posted to had returned early so I took a chance and called that ship, luckily he was there.  I don't know how much I said clearly because I couldn't stay calm with talking to him, I was terrified and I couldn't do anything about it.  He told me he was on his way, I hung up.  It was time to kick in survivor mode again, and get my daughter to daycare, faking a smile to everyone I had to face.

When my husband and I got to the centre, they had him wait in the waiting area while they looked at the bone.  They let him come in after and showed him exactly what they had explained to me: the lump wasn't on the bone, it was coming out of the bone.  Of course, everyone is trying to tell us not to call it the "C" word until testing is done, but if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, flies like a duck, it's not a freaking unicorn.  The good news was that the baby was still happy and healthy as could be.

We got to spend the long weekend freaking out and trying to stay calm.  We only told two people, I think, what had occurred that morning.  I got a call Tuesday telling me to come in to start induction for baby, he was just too comfy and they wanted to do tests to confirm the lump and see if there were any others.  He was born Wednesday.  Thursday morning I had scans.  Thursday afternoon I had a panic attack after seeing the bone scan on the monitor as it was being done.  IT was back.

Many say to you when they hear you have cancer, "You'll beat it!", "You just need to fight!", "You'll be fine!", and they mean well.  But I was thinking of all the friends I had that had had late stage cancer and didn't live a year after the diagnosis.  Not even a year.  That's not a lot when you look at your newborn in your arms, your toddler playing around, your school aged child working on homework.  The average lifespan after a stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis? 33 months.  My son wouldn't even be 3 years old.

I was lucky in a couple ways, and one of them was that I was already connected with YACC.  I had late stage friends that I could talk to, find out methods of handling treatments, the questions that are best to ask your oncologist, someone I could say my fears to and they would understand completely.  I know it was hard to have the first diagnosis without knowing anyone my age with cancer, but that second time around...  If I didn't have that support...  That panic attack I had in the hospital had me not breathing, I was terrified and in shock.  I don't know how the days would have played out from then on without my YACC friends.  I don't want to think about it.

I'm stable, the cancer isn't in my lungs any longer, the cancer in my bones is staying put but not growing or spreading.  This is a miracle for now and I'll hold onto it.  I get to spend a little longer playing with my kids, hugging my husband, and talking with friends and family.  I am so thankful that I have YACC to fall back on when days are rough.  My husband supports me every second of the day, but even he needs a break and the support that they have provided for him.  YACC helps not just those living with cancer, but their supporters, too.  They help us be connected.  They help us be weak.  They help us be strong.  They help us be brave.

Please help support YACC and Shave For the Brave

What is YACC?

So.  What is YACC?  The quick answer is, "Young Adult Cancer Canada" (www.youngadultcancer.ca), but that's not the full answer.  YACC is something much more complicated than that.

YACC is the feeling of not being alone.  It brings together those of us that have cancer, had cancer, live with cancer, love someone with cancer, support someone with cancer, and many more combinations.  We have a starting point to understand what life is with cancer because of them.  We have a way to unite and share because of YACC.  YACC gives us the connection that we thirst for the moment we hear the words "You have cancer."

YACC is the middle finger to the idea of being the typical cancer patient.  It helps us see people enjoying life while their body scans light up like a Christmas tree.  We see life in the defiance of the the shadow of death that lurks in our bodies.  YACC lets us believe that we can have life in this vortex of despair.

YACC is the sorrow of seeing others leave our community.  The grief of being here while others did not make it.  But, through us, they are celebrated.  We honour them by keeping the truth of YACC alive in our hearts.  We miss them as they would have missed us.  We do find solace in the fact that we can grieve together, that we can cherish our times with the fallen as a community and not just wallow in our darkness alone.

YACC is a heart that welcomes us the moment we connect.  The moment we are joined by email, text, online group, or in-person, we are one in the same.  We are loved, we are understood, we are united.  It is the one point of wholeness.  We are unquestionably one.  YACC is devoted to us as individuals and as a group.  YACC is accepting.

What is YACC?  I am YACC.  We are YACC.  YACC is living after hearing the word cancer.  YACC is life.

Might sound a bit creepy, but honestly, until you are a part of YACC it's hard to understand.  I hope you never need to comprehend this feeling, never need to answer the question "What is YACC?", but if you to remember one thing:

"Any cancer, any stage, YACC's got your back."

Painting a Clear Picture - Retreats and Conferences

As more young adults get diagnosed with cancer and find Young Adult Cancer Canada, they become introduced to the chance to attend one of YACC's events to connect: retreats and conferences.  This leads to them asking (almost every time), "What are they like?"  It's a simple question with a very hard to explain answer.  So I'm going to try an analogy, bear with me.

You're a painter, you've finally decided on your masterpiece, your life's work.  You start setting everything up, doing your best to get things in order, and start painting.  As you paint your brush suddenly falls from your hand.  In disbelief, you look at your hand, it's not working right.  The brush is on the floor, paint splatter on the ground.  You look at the painting, there's now a line of paint down the middle of it, painfully obvious that it is out of place.  No matter how you look at things, your hand isn't gripping the paint brush, and you're feeling stuck, with your beautiful vision left unfinished.

You see doctors, tell your family and friends, and try to start some treatments.  You get lots of "advice" from non professionals.  Some tell you to just pick up the brush and paint, you'll get through it, eventually.  Some are convinced that if you don't listen to the doctors and just rub mint on it, you'll cure yourself.  A few do their best to be there for you, but they just cannot relate on any level.  You keep going back to your painting, picking up the brush as best you can, and try to paint like you used to.

Retreats

One day you walk into your studio and there is a small group of people there.  You look around nervously but take note of one thing: they all have a painting with a line of paint splattered in odd areas.  One by one you all sit in front of your paintings and a person comes into the room.  They guide you through discussions on your works.  Everyone talks about what they were going to paint before their brush fell.  They say how that line of paint has been haunting them ever since it showed up.  There's tears, their laughter, there's a lot of silence, but it's never awkward.  Eventually you realize that the line of paint doesn't have to be a blemish, it can be part of your painting.  You don't leave the session with all the answers, but you connected with others struggling like you.  They might not have the line of paint in the centre of their work, it might be blotches instead of a line, but you all had the brush fall.  You finally have people you can talk to that know what it feels like to look at the paint on the floor, seeing the brush roll away.

Conferences

Later on that year there's a gallery opening.  Everyone has their paintings on the walls.  Some are completed, some are barely started, some are almost finished.  All the painters are there, they're milling about, chatting, laughing, crying, some even in serious debates.  As you look around you see it's only painters.  Every artwork also has the paint that was out of place.  Some have worked it into the painting flawlessly, some expanded on it, some tried to just paint over it, others have left the odd paint alone.  Most of the paintings have their artist's names written clearly near them, some are labeled anonymous, and a few have big neon lights spelling out the names of the artists, inviting you to talk with them about their experience painting.  As the night rolls on, you join different people and discuss different topics at each group: how you watched the brush fall, different mediums you started trying when painting got difficult, methods doctors are trying to help you with your hands, different canvases and how they affect the paint, what you can do to help insure the paintings, and even what you want done when you finish painting.  Some talks are sad, some are extremely educational, and a few are just plain fun.  The night grows late, a host comes out to thank everyone for coming.  A few words are said for those who are not in attendance.  Several people could not make the journey due to family or health issues, some have felt they didn't need to attend gallery openings any longer, and some have passed on, leaving the most beautiful paintings that touch the hearts of everyone that view them.  The gallery opening closes with music, dancing, laughter, and tears from knowing you won't see each other in person for a long time.  As much as there might be sadness in that the gallery opening is closing, you still feel full of love and joy from getting to be with others that understand your plight.  You excitedly start planning your journey to the next gallery opening as you tote your painting back to your studio and try to pick up your paint brush.

Some of the painters you met had recovered fully, their hands were back to normal.  Other people, the affliction grew further, their arms, legs, or necks are now unable to fully function.  A couple people just started their journey with the issues of their hands.  Some have been living with the affliction for a long, long time.  But no matter what stage the others are at, you all support one another.  You now know you have those people to fall back on when you just want to throw the paints and brushes, scream, and cry.  They will be there when you get good news, they'll empathize when you get bad news, they'll be there whenever you need them.

That's what YACC retreats and conferences are like.  No matter what, they help you keep painting, because no matter where that splash of paint is, they help you see that it's still your masterpiece, and you are one hell of a painter.

Follow Up Article to Shave For The Brave

I was asked to do a follow up article for a local paper about the shave that my son and I did in July for Shave for the Brave.  Click HERE for a link to the article.

Take care guys.  I'll try to find the energy to post up another blog soon! Xoxoxo

Shave Time

Well...  It's back.  Cancer has taken residence in my ribs and lungs.  I'm currently undergoing radiation therapy, but I just found out that I'm going to be having chemotherapy, again.  Before I lose my hair I want to put it to use so I'm having a solo Shave for the Brave.  Please consider supporting my endeavour here:

Julie's Shave Page

Thanks for your support!

Dilemma - internal struggle

As previously stated, I'm lucky enough to be pregnant, again.  Our new little one is expected in mid-spring.  I am excited for that, except for one thing, it's causing me to have some emotional distress.  Most would say, of course having a third child when you are permanently disabled, your husband is in the Navy, and you need to find ways to make your older house work for a big family, would cause some emotional distress.  That's not the part that is bothering me the most.  I will find a way to make everything work, that's the way my mind works.  I see problems and do my best to find logical or even totally out-of-the-box, zany ideas to help find a solution.  I've always been like that.  But now, I'm facing something where the only solution is the one thing I do not want to do.  Let me explain further:

In late May YACC is having their Survivor Conference in Toronto.  I have attended this every year since my diagnosis.  One year it was canceled, that broke a lot of our hearts, but they needed to do it.  In that case there was nothing that could be done about it.  I couldn't attend another Retreat, those are a one shot thing, unless there are re-occurrences or the like.  This time, this time...  This time I face three options for Conference.

1. Attend Conference solo as I have the other years and pretend I can leave with a potentially two week old at home with my husband and not have my heart ripped apart from being separated from my new family.

2. Attend Conference with my husband and bring along our new son...  A two week old...  Either drive to Ontario or take a two week old on a flight...  And stay in a hotel that isn't that well set up (last I saw it) for caring for young children.

3. Don't go.

Of course a lot of readers will say, "Duh, you go with choice number three!"  There's a small problem with that.  This is the one time of the year I get to see my friends through YACC.  The one time of the year where we are all cancer survivors, all young adults, all dealing with the isolation we have all year long.  We are at different stages in our lives/cancer journey, but we're not being surrounded with 60 and 70 year olds, telling us that we're "so young", "well don't worry about that, I didn't", and "you won't want to worry about those things once your older".  We're able to meet up and celebrate being around for another year, able to mourn as a group all those we lost since last year, and able to draw on each others strength to make it another 365 days until we get to feel that empty spot in our lives filled, again.

Yes, I should not give it a second thought.  I should just say that I, logically, need to go with option number three...  As I sit at home and have tears running down my face.  As my heart breaks once more, like when I found out we would not be having a Conference the next year.  It's just not seeing those friends again.  It's just not seeing that family, because they are more than simply friends.  It's just not connecting with those new people, giving them friendship and hope.  It's just being scared of who won't be there next year when I might be able to go.  It's just one more year.  Just a broken heart.  It'll just mend with time, I hope.  Until then, I'm just lost inside.

Shave-in-waiting?

I'm thinking of participating in a Shave For the Brave for YACC.  I wouldn't be shaving it all, however, that's still a little scary for me right now.  I can, however, donate 10" minimum of hair.  There is no big shaves happening in Halifax right now, so I am hoping to find a few friends that want to participate, or maybe an organization/school/workplace that would like to follow suit.

For timing, I am hoping to have this done late March or before the end of April.  The baby is due May 15th, so I'd like to have it done well before Malcolm makes his appearance.  (Yes, it's a boy and we're naming him Malcolm).  Short hair can help with caring for a newborn, frig, my daughter is still going through a bit of a hair pulling phase.

If you know of anyone that would like to help out young adults with cancer to connect, feel less isolated, and more informed, please contact me, especially if you're willing to join up with me in this Shave.  You don't need to shave, you can donate a minimum of 10" or you can hunt out people to shave/donate, instead.  Lots of options and they all help people like me cope with having cancer.

*Click the links above for more info on Shaves and YACC*

Thankful 2014

I'm thankful for naps.
I'm thankful for family, both by blood and by friendship.
I'm thankful for a husband that understands me. He knows I try my best and even though I'm not capable of the things I was when we first married, he loves me no matter what.
I'm thankful for my kids, they drive me nuts sometimes but they also bring a lot of joy.
I'm thankful for a day in age where we can communicate across cities, countries, oceans, with relative ease, and we can communicate with people we admire, remembering they are human, too.
I'm thankful for my artistic abilities.
I'm thankful that I had intelligent doctors that knew the best way to save me from my cancer.
I'm thankful that I have met people that understand both cancer and getting disabilities from an MVA.
I'm thankful for Lolcats, I Can Has Cheezburger has brought me so much joy!
I'm thankful for cats.
I'm thankful that YACC exists and helps me to this day.
I'm thankful for books, written on paper, taking me away whenever possible.
I'm thankful for a house with heat in the winter and cooling in the summer.
I'm thankful for people like R A Salvatore, Tarol Hunt, Lar and Sohmer, and many more filling the world with beautiful stories.

I'm thankful I am here to write this, and that you are here to read it.

Being Thankful

I am thankful:

• For the fact my daughter napped long enough for me to have a bath.
• That my son says "I love you, too" back every time I say it to him.
• Despite money issues, we still have a heated roof over our head and food in the fridge.
• That I have friends that love animals as much as me, and they always try to help them.
• That I have people I could call in the middle of the night and they'd do their best to help me.
• That I live in Canada and the majority of my cancer treatments were covered by our public health care.
• For YACC helping me make friends that understand having cancer and still trying to live a "normal" life.
• That my husband comes home and is happier to be here than at work (even with children wrapped around his ankles).
• That my Dad helps where he can with the house and kids.
• For having my family close by, because there are a lot of people who do not.

Mentally Surviving Cancer

Anyone that has found out they have cancer knows that not only are you going to be fighting the cancer in your body, but you will also be fighting a mental battle.  There will be a lot of thoughts and ways you view yourself that will threaten to bring you to a state of unbalance, anger, and depression.  Here's some thoughts from me to help with the post diagnosis time of your life:


Forgive yourself for having cancer.
I know this seems like a silly thing to say but one of the first things most think about, after the shock of the fact they have cancer, is to question "Why?".   No matter if it is genetic, something you encountered in your past, because you turned left and not right as the moon rose in the night sky, you are not being punished, you are not being singled out, you are not at fault.  Sometimes "bad" things just happen.  And, it may be hard to see now, but there is a chance that you will find a lot good throughout the experience.

Find the sexy in your new body.
A lot of treatments can lead to scars, indents in your body, or missing parts.  This was deemed necessary by your counsel of doctors/physicians, but that doesn't make the end result any less hard to live with.  Your body has been altered.  You are not the "you" that you had come to see day in and day out for all the previous days of your life.  As an adult you may find that you feel less attractive, you are scared to show this part of you, and your reflection is an ever present reminder of being diagnosed.  You may need a lot of time and solitude to find the acceptance you need to see that scar as a victory, see that missing piece of you as part of life and not a damnation.  If you already have a partner, talk with them about how your new body makes you feel.  If you do not have a partner, you must come to your own conclusion to when you want to tell prospective loved ones of your journey.  Fear of rejection is something we encounter whenever we share something intimate, like having (had) cancer.  Just remember if they cannot accept that part of your life, they don't deserve you.  No matter what love yourself and treat yourself with respect, don't accept anything less from someone else.

Cut the stress ties.
You have enough on your mind, if someone or something is only a source of stress, sever the connection.  Some will be so kind as to cut the ties themselves, making you feel abandoned.  It hurts to admit it, but some people are only fair-weather friends and do not care for you as deeply as you care for them.  This is almost more difficult to deal with than your sexual identity and the blame that you place on yourself for having cancer.  You need companionship, it helps with fighting the feeling of isolation you may encounter.  Having people berate, belittle, abuse you will not help you, even if you did not have cancer.  Hold those that love you close, say goodbye to those that cannot find it in themselves to cherish you.

Take a Cancer Vacation.
You may say this is a ridiculous notion but hear me out. Your mind needs a break, it needs down time, just like your body needs a rest between treatments.  So, either during the before mentioned breaks or after treatment is completed, take a vacation from your cancer, even if only for a day.  Find some friends that you can party with that know you just need a day to be you and not the cancer patient.  Run away by yourself for a relaxing time, lock yourself in a spa and forget about hospitals for a day.  Hide away with the family in a hotel and just enjoy each other with no IV's, surgeons, or cancer ribbons in sight.  Try to take as much time as you can, but at least get 24 hours under your belt to help rejuvenate your mind.

Find someone you can talk cancer to.
Doctors do not count here (unless the are survivors themselves).  Find someone that has (had) cancer and can relate to your situation.  They may not have (had) the same cancer, they may have (had) the same type but different treatments, it doesn't matter.  You need someone that can fully understand you.  Someone that understands what it feels like to have cancer put their life on hold.  You may find someone outside of an organization, or you may seek out a support group.  There's also organizations that hold retreats and conferences like Young Adult Cancer Canada.  Seek out a "cancer buddy".  Not only will your mental state benefit from this but it will give your loved ones a break from constant cancer talk.  They love you but need a break from cancer, too.

Get a pro.
When it comes down to it, you are going through a mentally straining situation.  Find a social worker or psychologist that can make sure your mental health is going in the right direction.  *This is not being weak*, this is being smart.  Friends and family are great, cancer buddies can give you advice, but when it comes down to it, you need someone that is a professional and has experience helping those going through cancer.  If you are having financial difficulties, these people may have groups/resources to help in that manner, or know who does. Many cancer centres have a list of social workers that are covered through insurance (and in Canada by your provincial health coverage).


I'm sure there's lots of other ideas and methods to help.  Try to remember to take it one step at a time, one chemo at a time, one treatment at a time.  You are still yourself, you are not your cancer.

YACC's Retreat Yourself 2013 registration is now open!

If you were diagnosed with any form of cancer between the ages of 18-39 (or there abouts) and are not too far off in that age, still, apply!  There's one in Nova Scotia, Alberta, and British Columbia this year, just click on the province for link's to YACC's site and application information.

Light the World

If I asked of everyone to light a candle for all those taken from me because of cancer all their homes would shine quite brightly.  The flicker would help remind us all that life is a delicate balance of feeding desires, fulling needs, and too much of either can cause it to snuff out.  The speed at which it descended the wick would depend on the quality of the life, the care put into creating it, but anything could arise and break the finest made candle.  That wouldn't make the warmth that it caused any less real, and it would not make the joy it brought any less meaningful.

But, instead of lighting a wick in your home, instead of digging out the matches, I ask of you to please ignite a flame within your heart.  Please try to bring warmth with your words and your thoughts.  Make the kindness flow through your veins and radiate from your actions.  Bring joy to your surroundings with every beat of your heart.  Honour those that could not make their heart beat any longer, but their light shone the brightest despite their conditions.  Bring love to your behaviours and make the world shine every day.

YACC Survivor Conference 2012

Hullo one and all.  I have been slightly absent as I dealt with life these past few months.  I wanted to thank all those that helped me raise the funds to come to Conference.  Getting to talk and share with these few people that understand exactly my predicament because they have been through a lot of the same issues is simply intoxicating.  You go from feeling as though you are the rare mythical creature on display for the world to see, to feeling like you found your herd, your flock, your school, your pack, your pride.

I am reflecting and thinking of all the great connects that were worked on here.  The new connections with those I have never met before, the nurturing of the connections previously started, and the reminiscing of those connections lost over the year.

I cannot find the words to describe what being at YACC's Conferences is like.  This is something that a few of us discussed.  All I can do is share some feelings that come with the time we get to spend together: acceptance, love, admiration, loyalty, connectivity, joy, sorrow, exuberance, peace.

Trying to get to SC2012

Goodday readers.  I have been trying to raise the money to get to Young Adult Cancer Canada's Survivor Conference (it's November 1-5th in Toronto, this year).  I've been running a bottle drive and tried promoting my artwork.  There is a secure website to send donations, as well.  If you can spare $5, $10, $20 or more, I'm trying to cover the cost of my travel expenses, that's all.  Well, I say "that's all" but the cost of a flight is pretty daunting when you have extremely limited funds.  Anyways, the link to the website is HERE, just follow these instructions to ensure that your donation goes to helping me get to conference:

You need to search Young Adult Cancer Canada first and select their page. Next you enter the donation amount and choose my name (Julie Michaud) in the drop-down menu box. Please help me afford going to this.  I get to meet other young adults going through cancer and there are workshops and guests that help us with the issues we face.

Thank you for all you guys do for me.

YACC Survivor Conference 2012 - let the fun begin!

YACC is having their Survivor Conference in Toronto this year and I have been accepted to attend!  I just need to raise the money for my travel expenses, YACC covers everything else.  This is an event where young adults from across the country get to meet and share experiences, have some fun, and fight the feeling of isolation that many of us battle.  I started an event on Facebook, a bottle drive, to go from now till late October to help me raise funds.  There may be a Climb fundraiser again, I'll keep everyone posted!  I appreciate all the support and help everyone sends my way.  I never would have been able to attend any of the events if it wasn't for the generosity of those that donated what they could afford.

For more info on YACC and the conference please click the above links.  If you'd like to help with the bottle drive and are in the HRM please CLICK HERE to join the Facebook event.