Reconstruction Rant

Inspired by a question on a breast cancer group, I have some words about reconstruction after finding out you have breast cancer - no matter the stage.  In no particular order:

-It's okay to be scared even after you thought you were ready. This is a surgery, no matter if you chose to have the TRAM, DIEP, GAP, Expanders over or under muscle, or Lat Dorsi, it's scary and you're allowed to be afraid.

-You're allowed to want to do this so you can feel some normalcy in your life. You're not being vain, you're not "getting a free boob job", you are trying to gain some control of an uncontrollable situation and that's perfectly fine

-There's a lot of self appointed "Google Doctors" out there that are going to try to spread fear and misinformation to you. TRUST your doctors, they're the ones that went to school for years and years to become professionals. If you have legitimate concerns even after talking with a doctor, ask for a second opinion from a medical professional, not a non doctorate quack

-Yes, there will be pain, take your prescriptions on time. I had some always at my bedside so I could take them immediately after napping. Don't be proud, ask for help, you had surgery, you wouldn't expect someone that had knee surgery to do everything an hour after they leave the hospital. Give yourself credit, you are doing something, you are healing - that takes a lot out of you. REST

-There's always the risk it will fail. Know your options. If it does fail, what is your back up. I knew that my expander would likely fail, but knew that if it did I could still have the Lat Dorsi, TRAM, DIEP, or GAP if I wanted. Knowing that made living with the possibility that it could fail more tolerable.

-There's more than one type of implant. There's silicone (which is much safer now), saline, plus there's shaped ones like a tear drop or rounds, there's smooth and rough edged. They all have their plus' and minus', know your options

-Stock your freezer or set up help with making foods for the week after your surgery. There's things like https://www.mealtrain.com that you can use to help organize friends and family with meals. Best of all it's free.

-Ask for help with kids. Yes, you are going to be exhausted from healing. Read and watch shows with your kids but have someone that can take them out for play dates or even just stay in your house so you can rest. Remember: REST

-Horde pillows to help you find a comfortable sleeping position. Make adjustments, find your happy zone

-Know what lies ahead for your journey. If you're doing expanders, there will be an exchange for permanent implants unless they use the type that can be left in.

-Your new breasts may not look 100% breasty. Know that ahead of time. You may look immaculate, there may be scar tissue or healing issues. It's a gamble, like any alteration to your body. Know the risks, talk with your docs. Be blunt, you're permitted to know all the risks.

-If you your implants fail, see if you can keep the implant - they make for great stress toys 

Surprise!

I had a surprise pop up back in September, a week before I was scheduled to have my breast implants exchanged.  I was anxiously awaiting the surgery, it was very close to the last step of my reconstruction.  I had been having issues for over six months, however.  (Get ready to cringe guys).  My periods were shortening greatly, only a couple days at a time, and they were much more frequent.  One month I had two, another I had three.  My gp arranged for me to see a gynecologist in at the IWK to see what was going on.

I had a lot going through my mind.  There was the less severe things like going into menopause early because of the chemotherapy back in 2010/2011.  Another much more terrifying thought was that cancer found a new home and had started up this change in my body.  My husband was trying to help me stay positive, but he's realistic like me, so he was trying to see all possible angles, as well.  Of course, the day before my appointment he says one possibility that I had not given a single thought, and quickly dismissed.  I'll elaborate shortly.

I have the gyno my history, the elaborate story of my cancer journey, including the birth of my daughter post cancer.  At the gyno's I had a test that was routine, just a precaution, that they had to always preform.  The gyno came in the room, preparing to do a scraping of my uterus to test for a few things, including types of cancer.  She looked at the test, so did the nurse.  My gyno says, "What does the second line mean?"  The nurse is still staring at the test, "It means she's pregnant."  My reaction?  "What do you mean there's a second line??  That wasn't there a second ago."

Sure enough, my husband jinxed me.  He had asked me the day before, "What if you're pregnant?"  I said to him that this had been going on for close to 6 months, if I was pregnant I'd be showing just a little by now.  Besides, we had been using protection.  I refuse to use birth control pills since cancer, but they claim that condoms are 99.9% effective.  Well, guess what, we're that magical 0.1%.

The funny thing, I was just 5 weeks pregnant.  I'm not sure what was causing my issue for the previous 6 months, but it had not been the pregnancy.  Everything medical got put on hold.  No surgery could happen after they knew I was pregnant.  Luckily, I could still get the injections for my back and shoulder while pregnant, so that was a lifesaver at least.  But, the reconstruction is on hold again, and I was not looking forward to how my injuries from the car accident would be paining me throughout the pregnancy.

This was a big surprise, we didn't plan on having more children.  We had talked about it for months and decided to leave our family at four, not five, just us and the two kids.  I had started gathering all my maternity clothes to take to my friend's consignment shop in Dartmouth, we were going to next start gathering the baby items and clothes to clear out.  As luck would have it we had not quite done any of that yet.

We're trying to figure this all out as we go.  Part of our reasoning before for staying a family of four had been my condition with my back and shoulder, but that is out the window, now.  I'll get to test my ability to withstand pain as I will have three munchkins to take care of.  Thank heavens I have my hubby, and my parents and siblings close by.

Let the next adventure begin!

Boobs v2.0

I'm anxiously awaiting my next surgery.  This one will be a much "simpler" procedure, they will remove the temporary expander and older implant, replacing them with what will hopefully be my permanent implants.  Of course, I say permanent, but they will be replaced ever few decades to ensure all measures of safety.

I'm finally nearing an end.  After this I may have very little, if any touch ups for the breasts.  I am not getting nipple reconstruction, so that is one less worry.  I am giddy that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I have to say this, breast cancer was not fun by any means but it has given me things to look forward to: end of chemo, end of radiation, and end of surgeries.  Unlike this issue with my back and shoulder from the car accident, with cancer I can feel accomplished, I can feel like there is a finality to this issue.

I am saving my pennies, well, dimes as we no longer have pennies... ugh.., to have a tattoo done to cover my chest after the breasts are complete and my tattoo artist is confident that the scars can be covered.  My hope is to have that completed some time in the next year.  Again, something to try to look forward to.  You have to try to find the happiness in things, otherwise you drown in despair pretty quickly.  This will sound weird, but thank you cancer, for helping me see the good in things, and helping me feel progress in something!

Weight It Out

Of course one of the big hiccups in my life, even more so than cancer, has been the injuries from the MVA years ago.  One thing that has been a big factor in is weight management.  During my pregnancy with my daughter I had hoped I'd somehow find that niche that would allow me to maintain my weight and not gain a significant amount.  Some mothers can do this, even without turning to unhealthy habits like smoking.  Just keeping active and eating as well as you can is what everyone recommends.  That'd be fine for anyone without my injuries, but still I did my best.

Unfortunately, my best turned out to be the same as when I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Some would say to not sweat it, that with time it will come off, but with me, extra weight seems to mean my back is carrying more, therefore hurts more.  So I stick with what exercises I have been given from physio, do what low impact ones I know do not bother my back, and so forth.  This does make it a slow process.

I try to remind myself that it took me almost two and a half years to lose the weight after my son.  I had finally been reaching a healthy weight for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  That is my goal, a healthy weight.  I'm not aiming for unrealistic or sickly sizes.  I would be a stick figure if I was able to wear a size 2 pair of jeans.  Honestly, if I could even get within a size or two of what I wore when I was fit, I'd be content.

Many may say it is a quest for vanity, to be society's idea of pretty.  I'm not looking at that, however, I'm looking at my health.  Less weight and stronger muscles means potential less pain for me.  It means potential increases in play time with my kids.  It means possible health risks for the overweight may be avoided.  Don't get me wrong, with new, perky breasts on the way, a fit body would be fun and I will enjoy it, but it is not the sole reason by far.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you have extra weight, do what you and your body can.  If you cannot run, walk.  If you cannot walk, try biking.  If you cannot bike, try something new.  Getting up and walking around the couch will not get you far, but you are lapping everyone still sitting down.

Reconstruction update

I've met with my plastic surgeon and I am now greedily awaiting my date for the *hopefully* final surgery.  After this trip to the OR, the plan is to have two permanent implants, fully touched up skin, and begin the healing process.

I must say something that may surprise a few people.  Getting to deal with cancer has given me something to look forward to.  After the accident, losing some of my mobility/abilities, things were feeling very bleak.  Being able to have something to fight, something to see an end to, has helped me.  Yes, having cancer is horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I've been able to use it to my advantage.

I will not be getting nipples added to my new breasts, I have been very adamant on this from the start.  I will be designing a tattoo to cover my chest.  It holds more meaning to me, and is more my personality than to go through the process to have nipples, again.  Most women are constantly trying to hide the fact that they have erect nipples, I cannot see why I would want to get permanently erect nipples added.  The other option for non-pointy breasts is to get 3D tattoos of nipples.  This isn't in my cards, either.  Despite the fact that many tattoo shops in Halifax area will do these tattooed nipples for free, I would rather something more creative.

More updates as they come.  Enjoy the summer!

Preventative Surgery

As many have heard by now, Angelina Jolie has had prophylactic breast mastectomies (and reconstruction) after discovering she carries the BRCA1 gene.  This, to me, is great news in that she has openly admitted that anyone can carry the gene, she is still in the young adult category and is admitting to being at risk of cancer, but above all else, she is encouraging people that if they have the option to have surgery to lessen their risk of cancer they should feel no judgement or guilt for doing so.

Choosing to have preventative surgery is not new to the medical field.  It is a personal choice and I ask everyone to not belittle someone's beliefs for either choosing to have it or to not have it.

The following is an exerpt from omg.yahoo's "The Juice":

Angelina Jolie, known for being fiercely private, has made a very personal disclosure.
The Oscar-winning actress reveals in an emotional op-ed for the New York Times that she underwent a double mastectomy earlier this year after a blood test showed she was genetically susceptible to cancer.

"The truth is I carry a 'faulty' gene, BRCA1, which sharply increases my risk of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer," she writes. "Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy."

The 37-year-old mother of six says her decision was triggered in part by the death of her mother, Marcheline Bertrand, who passed away from cancer at the age of 56. 

Over the course of three months, beginning in February and ending in late April, Jolie went through a series of medical procedures to have her breasts removed and then reconstructed. And her fiancé, Brad Pitt, stood by her side every step of the way.

"I am fortunate to have a partner, Brad Pitt, who is so loving and supportive," says Jolie. "Brad was at the Pink Lotus Breast Center, where I was treated, for every minute of the surgeries. We managed to find moments to laugh together. We knew this was the right thing to do for our family and that it would bring us closer. And it has."

Though she managed to keep the procedures under wraps, she says that she wanted to come forward now "because I hope that other women can benefit from my experience."

Jolie -- who says her chance of developing breast cancer has dropped "from 87 percent to under 5 percent" -- encourages any woman who is considering taking such a major step in safeguarding their health to discuss their risk factors with doctors as well as their options.

"On a personal note, I do not feel any less of a woman," she says. "I feel empowered that I made a strong choice that in no way diminishes my femininity."

"Life comes with many challenges," she concludes. "The ones that should not scare us are the ones we can take on and take control of."

image care of ynaija.com

Adventures in Reconstruction: Deconstruction

I've had the pleasure of being stuck in the QEII hospital for 5 days.  My incision on the cancer side gave way...  For the second time (see previous blog Scalpel, Suture,.. Glue).  Unfortunately this happened on Saturday so I had to endure the long weekend in the hospital until my doctor came back on Tuesday.  I was sitting in my hospital bed with an open wound (roughly 2cm x 5cm) from Saturday to Tuesday afternoon.  Sufficed to say, the Uniboob has returned.  The reconstruction has failed.

I did get to keep the implant, more of a momento/show-and-tell than anything else.  Now for me to decide on if I want the latis dorsi or the DIEP for my next move.  The decision is not one I take lightly and as they removed the implant due to exposure, I have three months before anything can be done anyways.

Thanks for reading!

Scalpel, Suture,.. Glue

So my adventures in reconstruction continue.  Last night at 1:30a my right "breast" (that's the cancer side for any newbies) decided to start leaking.  Yeah!  Luckily it was just seroma, no signs of infection, so the resident plastic surgeon at the hospital just told me to cover it with gauze and get in to see my plastic surgeon in the morning asap, she'd let them know I was coming.

My hubby and I got about 5 hours sleep and trudged into the hospital.  Thankfully they were moving well today, we got in to the room in about half an hour and saw the assistant surgeon in a couple minutes, my surgeon was only about a half hour after that.  Long story short, the radiation didn't help the healing of this incision, seroma filled behind it and it pushed through a weak spot that was really thin skin.  The fix?  Cut the incision and re-suture.

They were prompt enough to keep me in until they could move me to the "minor procedures" room and set me up for the immediate slice and stitch.  It's local anesthetic (honestly, I have no nerves there anymore so I didn't even feel the needle for the anesthetic), then scalpel, cut it back carefully (remember my implant is behind this skin), and sew me back up.  For added benefit, he had the nurse find some glue (like Superglue, only "surgical" grade, by the looks of the container HA!) and slather that over top of the new incision.  Some fashionable steri-strips to finish it off and I'm thanked for being a great patient, come back in two weeks!

I swear my breast didn't like the idea of being cut cold turkey from the hospital visits, so it acted up.  Bloody stubborn breast!

If this finally heals proper then I will be waiting 6 months to see how everything looks.  The cancer side is smaller, the radiation did make that side not stretch proper.  I like to explain it to people that the left side is like spandex and the right side is like denim, one stretched fine, the other doesn't have a lot of give.  If I really don't like the end result, there's lots of options.  I'm just not out of the woods yet.  Sooooo To be continued...

It's a mental thing

Surgery was completed.  They had some issues, my muscles didn't want to co-operate so they had to be more forceful.  Therefore, I was in more pain than the average person.  Healing was followed by a great dose of idiocy on the part of my husband's work, but it got sorted out enough to cause only a minor hiccup in the healing process.

Things discovered in these past two weeks include a couple items that I am not too happy to admit.  I am very much self conscious of my image.  The surgery, although a success, was not something to close the book on my journey to seem more female.  The "breasts" do not match and one is much smaller than the other...  Not to mention that it also does not have any form of shape of a breast.  All this has entered my mind and caused me to feel like no matter what, my body will never look anything close to what I once had.  Perhaps it was childish to think that I could appear as I once did, a fairytale ending to the painful journey, but it was a hope from the start.  I need to start accepting that I will have a very different body.  I will not have what I once did, I will be different in appearance.

Another thing I'm noticing, I am coming to loathe hearing people talk about how much the are helping those with breast cancer by running a marathon.  I have met so many people that will never be touched by the funds being funneled into these high-profile walks.  The money will go to advertising, maybe some to research, perhaps there will even be a fraction of a percentage that goes to a support group somewhere in a large city.  If you want to raise money for the organization, that's fine, but don't think you're going to make me all fuzzy because you tell me how much you support that annual run.

I am hoping to one day feel more accepting of the many different feelings and awarenesses that I am experiencing.  I know this will be a long journey, but I will travel it.  I will try to find more understanding within myself, and perhaps understand and accept the things that I am enduring.

Jitters

My surgery to get the permanent implants is in two days.  To say I'm nervous is an understatement.  This surgery will be in a different hospital than the last, I lost a dear friend in the exact same hospital last winter, and I'm also nervous because this is pretty much it.

If the implants look odd, there won't be too much that can be done about it, other than ask for another type of reconstruction.  I don't want to snip and tuck any other areas of my body so this, in my mind, is the only option.  I'm also biting my nails because the prophylactic side isn't smooth like the cancer side.  I'm nervous it won't flatten out and need more surgery to repair it.

Trying to stay positive, this is almost the end of the journey to look normal again.  I will have two lumps on my chest and there won't be ports on my ribs.  I'll have the "tear drop" shaped implant and it is the "gummi" silicone (if you were to slice it, it does not move because it is the same consistency as a gummi bear.  Yes, I Silverlupus will have gummi boobs!

Another positive, my husband was landed again to ensure he could be here for my surgery and help care for our son.  And once this is all behind us, if there are no other hiccups, he and I will be going on the first "us" vacation in four years.  I need a break.  I need a week where I'm not thinking about doctor's appointments, diapers, or bills.  Just hubby n me time.

I hope to be posting more frequently soon.  Bare will me, folks.  And wish me well.

Article on the positive side of Breast Reconstruction

WebMD Article, click here

I have to say though, that the implants vs tissue is completely personal choice and those that want one and are forced to go with the other will never be as satisfied as one that got there primary desire.  I'm very happy that I was able to go with expander/implants so far. :)

A quick look inside my head

People seem confused as to why those that have been affected by cancer say that they will always have that "monkey on their back".  Well there's a lot that we deal with before even approaching cancer diagnosis.  So I'm going to give you an idea of the thoughts that pass through my head in about a minute.  Enjoy:

• Will this reconstruction work?
• Why is there a burning feeling at the port?
• Will this pain in my chest go away soon?  Is it just the muscles being cranky like the doctor said?
• Why couldn't that driver have paid attention so I didn't have these injuries now?
• Will my shoulder and back ever be normal again?
• Why won't my doctors condone me trying medicinal marijuana? I've tried every other frigging drug they gave me to put in my body
• Is my son going to be affected by having a mom with breast cancer in his first years of life? Will this cause some form of scarring I can't do a thing to prevent?
• Is that ache a sign the cancer didn't get fully contained?
• Will my husband have to sail despite my condition?  Anything can change if there is a war.
• Why can't people be more supportive of military families instead of berating them for saying they wish their significant other wasn't going to need to leave them for their job.
• Will we have enough money even though I cannot work anymore from my injuries?
• Will I ever get a settlement for my injuries?
• Dammit >_< my back is killing me
• Stupid arm, stop having nerve pain.
• Will I be able to walk normally today?
• What if there's a complication from the surgery to replace the expanders with the implants?
• Should I not try to get any more saline put in the expanders?
• I wish I saw my friends more often.
• I miss a lot of friends that seem to not think I'm important.  Just because I'm not important to them it didn't mean they weren't important to me back then.
• Will the cancer come back?  Will I get a new form of cancer?
• Will my son have me throughout his life?
• I wish I had more support close by but I'm thankful for the support I do have
• I'm getting hungry...
• I know I'm forgetting to do something I was supposed to...
• What if I can't stay this strong for much longer?
• Why can't my ribs stop hurting?
• Bloody back...
• What's that song?  I like it...
• KITTEHS!=D
• Wish I could find a close place with Karaoke
• I miss going out dancing... blah!
• I hope my son has a lot more opportunities than I had

Well, that's enough for now.  Hope you had a great weekend!

Self

How does one maintain your "self" when you feel so torn?

I know this feeling I'm having is not helped by the feeling of "dragging" myself along my life since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  As soon as someone is told they have cancer, your life, your plans, your dreams go on hold, health and treatment take priority.  But being slung into a world of chemo, surgeries, radiation, and whatever else they think is required to destroy the cancer can cause you to be sucked into a vortex that is not easy to crawl out of.

Life gives you more obstacles as it goes.  We learn to duck and weave, we jump hurtles, we bounce back from blows, and continue on our journey.  For some, cancer becomes a yoke, that even if it is lifted, you find yourself far behind your original path, or in completely unfamiliar territory.

My lament?  I have a self that is not realized and it's starting to cloud me.  I am slowly gaining my confidence and abilities to be the mother/wife that I was pre-cancer.  I need to realize that some friends are never going to be more than "someone I once knew" (that's one of the hardest for me).  There is a self that I know took to the sidelines long ago because I needed more time.  I needed more focus on things like income, housework, and life's winding paths.  It is something I have been trying to rekindle, trying to find a way to weave it back into its past potential.  It is my artist self.  I feel more like "Julie" when I'm an artist.  I don't feel like I am in a void, I feel purpose, I feel whole.

I get a moment every once and a while to let it out, but it's not like it once was.  It's not the intensity it used to be.  I need to find that balance that allows me to be all parts of me: mother, wife, cancer dominater, and the Julie formerly known as artist.  My only hope and wish is that once some things are behind me, the reconstruction, some personal things within my life are resolved, I will find answers as to how to find this new balance.  Perhaps my focus will be easier to master once I feel my cancer chapter is more finalized.  Here's hoping...

Freed From Captivity - Adventures in Reconstruction

I've been in the hospital since Saturday afternoon.  On St Patty's day I forgot to where green, so my left breast (the new mastectomy) decided to ooze green to make me more festive!  I had an infection, the breast turned red, I was in extreme sudden pain, and the smell was not that of roses... EW...

I was attached to an IV and given antibiotics and fluid (I had not been able to eat in 24 hours).  They forbade me from food after midnight because if I didn't show signs of responding to the antibiotics I was going under the knife the immediately Sunday.  I honestly didn't care about the restriction, I still didn't want to eat.  As days came, the word was constantly, "Well, we'll see how you look tomorrow."  Translation: you're stuck here for now because we don't know what to do with you.  The infection could have been localized to only the incision, or it could have ventured into the breast and caused the seroma to be infected, itself.  YEAH!

Did I mention they don't have internet at QEII?  At least not unless you're a Bell client.  Yeah, that makes sense -_-

I was fortunate enough that my phone had Facebook on it so I could not be 100% cut off from my friends.  My husband's work let him have time off so he could visit me as he pleased and care for our son.  Plus I had several friends visit and bring me movies, books, crosswords, and treats.  I literally had a basket of homemade goodies.  I told that friend she should have worn red so I could start calling her Lil Red Riding Hood - haha!

Long story short, the incision is no longer oozing, it appears closed, the breast is still reddish, but not resembling a stoplight any longer, and my blood pressure is back to normal (it had been 78/49).  I was freed with oral antibiotics and a doctor's appointment for next week.  Now to catch up on missing a week's worth of emails/articles/internet reading/mommy time.  The last is my most missed <3

Recovering - Reconstruction tips part 1

I am recovering from my surgery on Feb 21st.  I was finally able to get my reconstruction process started.  I found it amusing that the surgery was exactly one year and one week after my original mastectomy.  For those that do not know, I had the second breast removed (my choice) and opted for implant expanders to be placed in both sides of my chest.

They put 180cc of fluid in each of the expanders, I looked like I had A cup breasts for the first few days.  That was the most cleavage I've had in over a year lol.  Since I did have a mastectomy on the left side, however, it started to fill the new void with fluid (seroma), causing the new mastectomy side to fill out to about a D/DD cup over only a couple days.  This is not fluid in the expander, just in the area that used to have breast tissue.  Over time my body should re-absorb it and be only the size of the expander, once more.  There was some increase in size on the right side (the side that had cancer last year).  I looked like I had a full B cup on that side.  This is good news as I see it.  The skin looks like it could easily hold a B cup and I hope to get somewhere close to an oversized C cup or perhaps a D cup.  (Remember, I was once a DD cup).

The issue is that since I was forced into radiation treatments, my skin and the surrounding area may not stretch properly.  I'm discovering that for most that it does not work with the implant expander starts moving up the chest wall, not pushing out properly because of the lack of elasticity in the skin.  For some people it works, others it does not.

A couple of tips I would like to pass on to those that may just be entering their journey with cancer and hope for reconstruction someday:

1. Sign up for reconstruction the second you discuss surgeries, whether it's mastectomy or lumpectomy.  It is better to sign up and after a while decide to not get it than to decide to get it after a couple months/years of deliberating and now need to wait several more years for your consult.

2. Research all the reconstruction techniques that your surgeons can perform.  Some can do the more extensive surgeries like DIEP and TRAM, even the GAP.  But most every reconstruction surgeon can do the implants/expanders.  Talk with them about what you want and what they recommend.

3. Even if your surgeon says their opinion is that a surgery you prefer may not work, discuss the chances of it working.  If the failure still gives you options afterwards, do what you are comfortable with.  Remember 1% chance is greater than 0%!!

4. If you happen to get expanders and the optional mastectomy like I did, make sure you keep a close eye on your bandaging.  If it starts to loosen, and for some reason nurses seem to forget how to secure dressing around a chest sudden (because they can...), get some help to tighten it up.  A loose dressing can cause the pain to increase exponentially.  Ask for more tape to take home so you can secure it again if it loosens too early.

5. Be prepared to ask for help.  It's hard.  I hate it.  But you need to let your body focus on healing.  Ask your caregiver (husband, friend, family member) to get you things, like that cup of tea that you want, to answer the phone for you, to help you lift yourself from the awkward chair.  You do need to get back into routines, but there's no harm in asking for help in the first few days/weeks.  Just make sure you are trying to be as active as your body will permit.  If your body is limiting some areas, work on your stretches and make small goals that are realistic.  *Do not push yourself too far too early*

That's it for now.  I labeled this "part 1" because I know there will be more. :)

Getting more breasty

I had my reconstruction surgery last Tuesday.  I opted for having another mastectomy and two expanders put in place.  This means that over time the doctor will put saline solution in my expanders (that are placed in my chest under the skin and muscle) and slowly stretch the area until it can hold the preferred size of implants that will be my new breasts.  Down side - because I did have 25 rounds of radiation on my right chest there is a chance that I will not be able to stretch that side due to the skin being damaged during the treatment.  There is still a chance I can do this procedure and not have any excessive complications.  And to add help with the healing, Tarol and Danielle from Goblins Comic (an awesome read, if you're not reading it, start now!) sent me Big Ears, a paladin from the comic.  He is by my side to help me on my journey. :)

Here's a pic of me with Ears close to an hour after the surgery

I may look drugged because I most definitely was!  And yes, that is the blanket of adorable evil from Looking for Group ;)

Happy dance!

Got a call today about my reconstruction date!!  Late February 2012 I go in for my reconstruction!  It will be the start of the process as I have opted for expanders which will lead to implants.  They'll stretch the skin so that I can have a size close to what I used to be.  I'm not about to try for DD implants lol so that's fine by me!  Wish me luck that all goes well!

Waiting on a Faerytale...

Cinderella got away from trudging around for her evil step-family, Rapunzel got out of her tower and found her future, Sleeping Beauty woke up to her happily-ever-after, Snow White never had to hide again, Beauty got to find her soul mate through all the lies...  I'm waiting to wake up to the final chapter of my horror story so I can start my forever-after-faerytale.

I get a lot of support and a lot of grief for wanting my reconstruction now, not later.  What people don't seem to realize is I am not able to emotionally put my ordeal with cancer behind me until I can finally say to people, "I'm done with treatment."  Like it or not, reconstruction is a treatment.  It helps to restore the woman bereft of her figure to something close to her once hour glass body.  Face it, the basis for a woman's body is hair, boobs, hips, and legs by most person's perceptions.  Don't try to give me that "it's just a breast" crap.  I want you to have something lopped off and be told, it's just a body part.  See how badly you want to rip that person's eyes out... then say "they're just eyes"...

The faerytale ending doesn't have to be perfect.  It doesn't need to be the signifier that no troubles shall ever again this way come.  It just needs to close the book on the terror that slipped into my life through my body and betrayed my being to the hands of the medical teams in town, requiring me to sacrifice my hair, my body, my independence, and, at times, my sanity.

Give me my chapter's last sentence:  With her new body, both beaten and renewed, but her soul not broken, Julie looked to the horizon; the sun was rising and with its light her future looked all the more bright.

Not the body of a model, but it was Me

♥

Skirting the issue

I attended the BRA (Breast Reconstruction Awareness) seminar in Halifax, yesterday.  It was well done, but the time it was held was horrible, and having to go find parking in Halifax is always fun.  It was good to put faces to some of the plastic surgeons in the QEII, but there wasn't enough of something that they seem to trying to improve: communication.

It was a flood-the-room-with-information session.  They even had to speed things along so that anyone that was trying to take notes was pressed to write things down and would miss the next sentence trying to scribble down the last topic the surgeon/presenter last said.  They also started talking about mastectomy vs lumpectomy and treatment.  Newsflash! This is supposed to be about reconstruction not the choice we made about our surgery.  That's a different (all be it integrated) topic altogether.  We were there to talk about new/repaired breasts, not the options that come with removing the cancer.

One thing they brushed but did not go in detail is the wait times.  I wanted to know (and got to ask) what is being done to help decrease the wait times for consultations.  Not the surgeries, the consultations.  (Aim low but dream big).  The answer is they are looking into it, they were having trouble with lack-of-staff... yehyehyeh, but what NOW?

We need to get it out in the public? FINE, tell us that, we'll get it in the public.  There's news, papers, radio, billboards, the web - it'll get out there!  What next?  We need funding?  Have you seen what a bunch of determined women can do if they really, really want something?  No?  Well watch us!!

We want answers, and if you don't have them, we'll go for what you have and go from there.  Next pls!  This isn't something we need to ask a question and then say "oh, well if that's just the way it is, that's all we can do" about it.  Hardly!  We're going to find out what's realistic and then go for what we really need.  Quiet women are not the ones that are remembered, and we're not going to let the health care system forget about us!

Silverlupus on the news about reconstruction wait times

Well my segment was on... They got my age wrong (29 at diagnosed, not 28) and cut out whenever I mentioned that this is affecting women of all ages with breast cancer, but I'm getting good reviews.

Click here and select on their "Housecalls" section of videos, the one you want is about breast cancer.

I'd like to note they also did not mention what I said about being able to go to New Brunswick and being able to have the surgery done in two or less months -_-