Monday, 4 July 2016

A Glimpse

For a second I'll let you into my mind, here's my daily thoughts:

I'm so tired, why can't I feel normal today? I actually slept all night for once, why can't I get more energy?

I love my kids...but they're assholes at times...but I love them to bits.

I feel so bloody lazy, why can't I stop hurting long enough to get (insert basic household chore here) done.

Why does that hurt? Is the cancer spreading?

I hate you, idiot that caused the car accident in '08.

I love Mike, why the hell does he put up with me?

I wish I could draw more.

I wish I could work.

I miss being really active and fully independent...

I wish there was some way I could help us financially.

And finally:

What if I need to go back on iv chemo? I won't be able to watch the kids for days, Mike would need time off work that we can't afford, can I mentally deal with the way it makes me physically feel again? Would it be better to just let the cancer run its course?..

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Everyone Has Bad Days

Yesterday I broke down. I literally crumbled into a ball and bawled my eyes out. It was an ugly cry. It was a release. I was doing everything wrong, forgetting everything, at least I could say the kids were safe and sound.

My depression became real to me in that moment, curled up in the kitchen next to the sink of dishes I was trying to clean. My memory is messed from so much chemotherapy and stress. My body is still exhausted even though I've been on about 3 weeks of my 6 week chemo break. My back and shoulder give me more pain by the day. I have to decide if I want to risk another surgery and have my breasts identical or play it safe and have them slightly disproportionate. I'm constantly reminded the realities of my cancer because I need to explain it to everyone I meet, even doctors don't understand stage 4 breast cancer. I had a few friends try to help us raise a few funds to help us be less stressed, but some emergencies depleted that quicker than I ever imagined. Another friend started a GoFundMe page to try to get us some assistance, but that's not getting any support...which is completely disheartening. My colouring books that were designed to help my family aren't selling, just another kidney jab to my life.

I'm feeling like a failure. My attempts amount to falling further behind. My mind makes me forget important things/dates at the drop off a hat. How am I supposed to be a functioning adult when my injuries from the car accident and complications from cancer keep me from doing basic things, like remembering, cleaning, walking...I'm stopping there before I further depress myself.

I wish I had the answers. Until then I'll wait to see if the antidepressants start working soon

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

What is YACC?

So.  What is YACC?  The quick answer is, "Young Adult Cancer Canada" (www.youngadultcancer.ca), but that's not the full answer.  YACC is something much more complicated than that.

YACC is the feeling of not being alone.  It brings together those of us that have cancer, had cancer, live with cancer, love someone with cancer, support someone with cancer, and many more combinations.  We have a starting point to understand what life is with cancer because of them.  We have a way to unite and share because of YACC.  YACC gives us the connection that we thirst for the moment we hear the words "You have cancer."

YACC is the middle finger to the idea of being the typical cancer patient.  It helps us see people enjoying life while their body scans light up like a Christmas tree.  We see life in the defiance of the the shadow of death that lurks in our bodies.  YACC lets us believe that we can have life in this vortex of despair.

YACC is the sorrow of seeing others leave our community.  The grief of being here while others did not make it.  But, through us, they are celebrated.  We honour them by keeping the truth of YACC alive in our hearts.  We miss them as they would have missed us.  We do find solace in the fact that we can grieve together, that we can cherish our times with the fallen as a community and not just wallow in our darkness alone.

YACC is a heart that welcomes us the moment we connect.  The moment we are joined by email, text, online group, or in-person, we are one in the same.  We are loved, we are understood, we are united.  It is the one point of wholeness.  We are unquestionably one.  YACC is devoted to us as individuals and as a group.  YACC is accepting.

What is YACC?  I am YACC.  We are YACC.  YACC is living after hearing the word cancer.  YACC is life.

Might sound a bit creepy, but honestly, until you are a part of YACC it's hard to understand.  I hope you never need to comprehend this feeling, never need to answer the question "What is YACC?", but if you to remember one thing:

"Any cancer, any stage, YACC's got your back."

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Depression and feeling useless

I'd say "sorry", but I'm really not.  This post will not be filled with the humour a lot expect of me.  It's a vent, a rant, but not where I express my anger for all those that think they have more intelligence than those that have studied actual information, not misinformation...  That's another rant.

Depression can come on in many ways.  It has different effects on the body for each person.  Mine makes me low, I forget to eat because I'm not hungry, I cry a lot (reasons to follow, but they linger in my head like a pet dog that knows you're about to eat), I show no emotion, I pull out masks from my past so that I can appear "normal" and not have to deal with the "help" people think is useful...  There's more but it's digging a deeper hole just typing this.

Some of the reasons I'm depressed lately, that I have been able to identify, are as follows.  (P.S. thinking about the reasons causes the crying).
  • Bills are adding up quick, making our savings disappear quicker than we can build them.
This is a big thing with most families and just people in general. So I want you to imagine yourself in the state you are now, financially, and start to think on how this would change it: getting a cancer diagnosis, meaning you must now take treatment forever, have to drive in for appointments constantly and pay for parking on top of gas/car maintenance, being so tired that you feel you haven't slept in 3-4 days, and don't forget, for my case, you are in constant pain, no break.  Which brings me to the next reason:
  • I can't even try to get a job to help with income.
I'm permanently injured from a car crash years ago, almost a decade, now.  I want to be able to help, I'd love to be able to work a job, even just at Tim Hortons part-time.  It'd be a way I could contribute, a way to start etching away at the bills and surprise expenses, but I don't get that privilege any longer.  I try to do what I can but it makes my pain level worse, which means I can't do basic things, bringing me to:

  • Not being able to be self-sufficient and care fully for my children without assistance.
Some days the choices are, care for the kids or get minimal work done around the house.  I can't get both done, not because the kids are running around causing a mess, it's because I have to try to manage my pain level.  I need to wait until they sleep or are cared for by someone else so that I can recover from trying to the most basic activities: washing dishes, loading/unloading the dishwasher/washer/dryer, making meals that require more than reheat as needed, vacuuming, washing the floors, etc.  Some days I get to do the dishes from yesterday before my pain starts to sky rocket, but others, I can barely stand just watching the kids and making sure they don't kill each other.  Some have tried to help me but, well, that leads me to the following:
  • Seeing that I have less support than so many others, including those I have always tried to stand by
I have some friends, a very select few, that are always doing what they can for me that truly do not expect anything from me.  That amount of friends are extremely few and I did not realize this until I needed to start swallowing my pride and asking for help.  I thought at first the response was nice, until the end result of people actually showing up and not just saying they will help came to pass.  I got to watch some people use my situation for exploiting their own gains.  I got to watch people crumble when it came to them to hold their promise/commitment.  I got to see communities rally around others and leave me to the sidelines.  I'm glad the others don't have to watch from the sidelines, I'm glad they found true support.  I just thought that I had that support as well.  I guess it's better to learn now.  I just feel so foolish and used.  It hurts when you realize you mean less to people than they meant to you.

I've come to the point that I don't know why I try, any more.  I feel like an idiot for asking for help and that I should never have asked people to care about me.  As I sit here feeling like pulling my hair out and throwing myself away, I feel everything and nothing.  I feel tired of facades.  I feel tired of games.  I'm tired of having to try so hard to just get thrown aside.  I'm just tired of life.

Friday, 15 April 2016

Silence

I find I don't turn on the tv for background noise anymore. I sit and listen to the hum of the refrigerator, the whirr of the heaters, the purring of the cats. The silence isn't as evil in my ears, any longer. I sit and eat in silence, I sit and check Facebook or emails. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I just sit, soaking in the lack of sound.

I don't know what's to come but silence isn't so hard anymore

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Painting a Clear Picture - Retreats and Conferences

As more young adults get diagnosed with cancer and find Young Adult Cancer Canada, they become introduced to the chance to attend one of YACC's events to connect: retreats and conferences.  This leads to them asking (almost every time), "What are they like?"  It's a simple question with a very hard to explain answer.  So I'm going to try an analogy, bear with me.

You're a painter, you've finally decided on your masterpiece, your life's work.  You start setting everything up, doing your best to get things in order, and start painting.  As you paint your brush suddenly falls from your hand.  In disbelief, you look at your hand, it's not working right.  The brush is on the floor, paint splatter on the ground.  You look at the painting, there's now a line of paint down the middle of it, painfully obvious that it is out of place.  No matter how you look at things, your hand isn't gripping the paint brush, and you're feeling stuck, with your beautiful vision left unfinished.

You see doctors, tell your family and friends, and try to start some treatments.  You get lots of "advice" from non professionals.  Some tell you to just pick up the brush and paint, you'll get through it, eventually.  Some are convinced that if you don't listen to the doctors and just rub mint on it, you'll cure yourself.  A few do their best to be there for you, but they just cannot relate on any level.  You keep going back to your painting, picking up the brush as best you can, and try to paint like you used to.

Retreats

One day you walk into your studio and there is a small group of people there.  You look around nervously but take note of one thing: they all have a painting with a line of paint splattered in odd areas.  One by one you all sit in front of your paintings and a person comes into the room.  They guide you through discussions on your works.  Everyone talks about what they were going to paint before their brush fell.  They say how that line of paint has been haunting them ever since it showed up.  There's tears, their laughter, there's a lot of silence, but it's never awkward.  Eventually you realize that the line of paint doesn't have to be a blemish, it can be part of your painting.  You don't leave the session with all the answers, but you connected with others struggling like you.  They might not have the line of paint in the centre of their work, it might be blotches instead of a line, but you all had the brush fall.  You finally have people you can talk to that know what it feels like to look at the paint on the floor, seeing the brush roll away.

Conferences

Later on that year there's a gallery opening.  Everyone has their paintings on the walls.  Some are completed, some are barely started, some are almost finished.  All the painters are there, they're milling about, chatting, laughing, crying, some even in serious debates.  As you look around you see it's only painters.  Every artwork also has the paint that was out of place.  Some have worked it into the painting flawlessly, some expanded on it, some tried to just paint over it, others have left the odd paint alone.  Most of the paintings have their artist's names written clearly near them, some are labeled anonymous, and a few have big neon lights spelling out the names of the artists, inviting you to talk with them about their experience painting.  As the night rolls on, you join different people and discuss different topics at each group: how you watched the brush fall, different mediums you started trying when painting got difficult, methods doctors are trying to help you with your hands, different canvases and how they affect the paint, what you can do to help insure the paintings, and even what you want done when you finish painting.  Some talks are sad, some are extremely educational, and a few are just plain fun.  The night grows late, a host comes out to thank everyone for coming.  A few words are said for those who are not in attendance.  Several people could not make the journey due to family or health issues, some have felt they didn't need to attend gallery openings any longer, and some have passed on, leaving the most beautiful paintings that touch the hearts of everyone that view them.  The gallery opening closes with music, dancing, laughter, and tears from knowing you won't see each other in person for a long time.  As much as there might be sadness in that the gallery opening is closing, you still feel full of love and joy from getting to be with others that understand your plight.  You excitedly start planning your journey to the next gallery opening as you tote your painting back to your studio and try to pick up your paint brush.

Some of the painters you met had recovered fully, their hands were back to normal.  Other people, the affliction grew further, their arms, legs, or necks are now unable to fully function.  A couple people just started their journey with the issues of their hands.  Some have been living with the affliction for a long, long time.  But no matter what stage the others are at, you all support one another.  You now know you have those people to fall back on when you just want to throw the paints and brushes, scream, and cry.  They will be there when you get good news, they'll empathize when you get bad news, they'll be there whenever you need them.

That's what YACC retreats and conferences are like.  No matter what, they help you keep painting, because no matter where that splash of paint is, they help you see that it's still your masterpiece, and you are one hell of a painter.

Saturday, 13 February 2016

Happy Valentines Day '16

Happy Heart Day to one and all.  I'm going to take this moment to brag.  Don't want to hear it, stop reading ..... now.

I hit the jackpot with my husband.  He's someone that is responsible and caring.  Examples?  Start with when we met.  He knew that I was dealing with a horrible divorce, but didn't care, he was willing to work with me and help support me through that terrible experience.  How about the fact that after we married I was hit in a car accident and became permanently disabled.  He's never made me feel like less of a person for not being the independent person I once was.  Then there's the parenting side, he gets up with the children when they wake up in the middle of the night.  He plays with them even when he's tired from work.  He can't wait to get home to see us.  We can be together for days on end and not be sick of each other.  We'd actually continue to stay next to each other for days on end without a single thought of annoyance.

Throw cancer into the mix.  He stands by me, supports my decisions, listens to my rants, still tells me he loves me, grabs my butt and tells me I'm beautiful, and never once looked at me differently when I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, looked like death warmed over, was stuck in bed, or had only one breast.

He still likes to get me treats, surprises me with tea, he steals kisses, gives me hugs.  He loves and plays with his kids, but shares with discipline and responsibilities that come with having a child.

I win. :) <3