Starting Radiation

I'm about to start my radiation treatment for the "multiple tumours" in my head. I use quotes there because I have not had the courage to ask for specific numbers. All my medical professionals keep using those two words and add in that "they're in all parts of your brain". I apparently shocked the radiation oncologist with how few symptoms I have and the fact that I was able to pass all the reaction tests they preformed. That makes me more nervous than I'd like to admit.

Good news is that I'm pretty much being fast tracked here, and it's aggressive treatment for aggressive cancer. The radiation oncologist is hopeful of a complete response. (Translation: kill all cancer cells in brain by end of treatment).  I did forget to ask when we'll next be scanning to see how things are in my head, I'll ask next time I see someone.

My medical oncologist is going to be starting up chemo two weeks after I end radiation so that the rest of my body doesn't go all cancery on me. I just hope my lungs don't go on strike, they're rather pissy these days. I sound like a worn out smoker, hacking and coughing on the fly. Anywho... back to keeping my spawn from killing one another. Wish me luck!

Post Conference 2018

Mike and I were privileged enough to attend the 2018 Young Adult Cancer Canada Survivor Conference at the beginning of the month.  We had the chance to connect with old friends and make new friends as 99 survivors/supporters were in attendance.  I was able to help with making sure everyone had some fun by raising funds for a social event, karaoke (YACCaraoke), at Karaoke Kops. It was the hottest spot in St John's that night!  Huge thanks and much gratitude to the staff and owners of Karaoke Kops!

We were able to attend workshops and discuss matters that have come to light in the past year.  There was a panel, a Big Cancer Hook Up, and many presenters.  Saying the conference was a success for YACC and their ideals is a gross understatement.

The aftermath of conference is one thing that is never easy to deal with.  It's the pain of having to leave your friends for at least another year.  It's the fear of how many friends will die between now and next year.  It's the fear that this was your last year.  That's the thing about making connections: they're awesome and help alleviate your loneliness and fear of isolation, but you are brought into this circle because of a terminal illness, some of us get to stay around longer than others.  I could never say I regret any of the connections I've made through YACC.  I've cherished every friend that I've met through them.  I weep at their death because they had so much that they wished they could do and I weep for the hole that their absence leaves in my heart.  But they are still in my heart.  Always thought of and fondly remembered.

I try to soak in the energy that many gave over the conference.  The laughter and joyful jubilation that saturated us.  To take the tears that were shed in stride and try to remember it is for my loss I cry, that their pain is finished.  I giggle at the jokes we told, I hold dear the smiles and happy faces, I recall the strong hugs and high fives.

I will try to spread the happy.  I will try to remember it is okay to cry.

 

Me and Mike on the bus for one of the social events at conference

Love that we had the opportunity to fly with Porter Airlines

Chloe Comic August 2017: Dealing with Emotions

Dealing with Emotions

Chloe Comic June 2017 Someone Should Do Something

Someone Should Do Something

Chloe Comic June 2017

Conference Emotional Rollercoaster

Busy waiting

I'm currently trying to type this through tears, so I don't know how well it'll go.

I'm waiting on a call from the vet. One of my cats has a broken femur. It's not the first one for her, either, and that's part of the heart ache. We don't know why she's breaking bones. One thing the vet said, hesitantly, is that she could have osteocarcinoma. If that's not spelt right I don't care right now. I hate cancer. I hate that my cat that has been always ready to curl in my lap or onto my shoulder and purr her head off is suffering.

The call from the vet will say one of two things, the specialty surgeon will meet to discuss possible surgery, or that she is not a candidate and we need to look at putting her down. So either it will be go beyond debt or kill my furkid... My husband and I are in turmoil, we love this cat, she is our furkid, she might die soon. We have to make that choice, shortly.

My heart is breaking. And to top things off, I'm going for a ct scan tomorrow to find out if my cancer is spreading. I'm lost, so lost. I wish I knew what to do.

A Smile

I don't know if it is because of my post yesterday but there started being some activity on our Meal Train page yesterday.  If you don't know what Meal Train is, it's a site that you can set up and people pick a day to make a meal for a person/family.  My son's teacher started one for us last year after several parents had asked if there was any way they could help.  It's been a great relief for us, it's anything from home cooked meals, gift cards so we can enjoy a night out with the family, or take out brought straight to us.  I cannot be more grateful for their kindness and open hearts.  And so I say thank you to those of you that take time out of your day to think of someone else, those that understand that living with cancer is a trial to begin with and adding physical disabilities just compounds that, those that wish to bring a ray of light to those that feel stuck in the dark pit of despair.

Happy Valentines Day '16

Happy Heart Day to one and all.  I'm going to take this moment to brag.  Don't want to hear it, stop reading ..... now.

I hit the jackpot with my husband.  He's someone that is responsible and caring.  Examples?  Start with when we met.  He knew that I was dealing with a horrible divorce, but didn't care, he was willing to work with me and help support me through that terrible experience.  How about the fact that after we married I was hit in a car accident and became permanently disabled.  He's never made me feel like less of a person for not being the independent person I once was.  Then there's the parenting side, he gets up with the children when they wake up in the middle of the night.  He plays with them even when he's tired from work.  He can't wait to get home to see us.  We can be together for days on end and not be sick of each other.  We'd actually continue to stay next to each other for days on end without a single thought of annoyance.

Throw cancer into the mix.  He stands by me, supports my decisions, listens to my rants, still tells me he loves me, grabs my butt and tells me I'm beautiful, and never once looked at me differently when I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, looked like death warmed over, was stuck in bed, or had only one breast.

He still likes to get me treats, surprises me with tea, he steals kisses, gives me hugs.  He loves and plays with his kids, but shares with discipline and responsibilities that come with having a child.

I win. :) <3

An Interesting Weekend

With my anxiety about chemotherapy last Tuesday, I forgot to write about my Halloween weekend.  My husband and I were able to attend Hal-Con in Halifax, the local sci-fi convention.  I pushed my chemo till this week so that I could go without the bone-breaking pain and fear of being around people with a cold.  It was an experience.

The first day was not so good.  There was several times that the volunteer staff supplied by Hal-Con were not on the same page as the staff of the WTCC (World Trade and Convention Centre).  There were also times that a couple of the volunteers didn't quite seem to understand what their job entailed, which led to several confusing and frustrating moments.  I did get to see a couple of the celebrities and attend a couple panels.  There were several attendees that didn't like that I couldn't move overly fast (back pain from my injury makes me slow down), so they barged passed us and took the seats we were heading for.  The worst of day one was when the miss-communication between volunteers and WTCC staff had us trapped inside the con.  Every way we went they told us we could not leave from that exit.  I had a panic attack.  My pain was escalating and the idea of being surrounded by that many people and not being permitted to exit the building quickly attacked my mind.  We did finally find the exit and, quite frankly, ran away.  We went to supper with a gift card that had been kicking around from a friend (finally was in town and able to use it), that was a glorious meal, and when we returned to the hotel room they had vouchers for drinks and a plate of sweets waiting for us.  That helped with our stress level.

Saturday was better in that the Hal-Con staff spoke with the volunteers about the issues and tried their best to nip-it-in-the-bud.  We had a hard time deciding on panels because a lot of the ones that we wanted were at the same time, plus there were several celebs that we still hoped to get autographs and photos with.  I was able to see a friend that I had not seen in years and catch up, had supper with them, and attended the soiree with the celebs.  It was fun, but a lot of people surround the popular guests like moths to a flame.  My back had enough of standing so I was stuck at a table.  One of the guests found me, and sat with us, chatting for the remainder of the event.  That was Lenore Zann.  Many would know her as Rogue from X-Men, the 90's cartoon.  Rogue was one of my favorites (second only to Wolverine), to meet her was a real treat for me.  The fact that she came over and started chatting like we were old mates just reuniting after a long separation was very lovely!  After the soiree we were going to just go to bed but there was a bit of a kerfuffle on our floor so we decided to vacate the hotel.  There were some people going to a local pub just a block away, we headed in that direction.  Long story short, our Halloween was spent with Kris and Paul (from Lost Girl), Kirby (Goku) and his lovely missus, Enver (from Agent Carter), Alaina (Supernatural), Fadi (Captain Canuck producer), Rob (Cyanide & Happiness), and a couple others.  The next day was spent quickly going around to say "Hi" to those that we had been at the pub with the night before and running home to get the kids from the family members that had watched them that weekend for us.

I don't think these guests know what that night (the soiree and the pub) meant to me and my husband.  Our weekend was looking like a write-off.  We were questioning why we even bothered with our passes and not sold them off, as money is a bit hard to come by, now.  The weekend was supposed to be a treat for us.  We had not done anything for our anniversary in quite some time.  Chemo kept me locked up in the house often.  Having disabilities, three kids, and cancer has not made going out that simple.  We were extremely close to selling our tickets, especially after Friday's debacle.  Being able to simply hang out and have a glass of wine with them, chatting about everyday things, that means a lot to me.  This also might have been my last Hal-Con.  Tickets are getting too hard to get.  I need the special passes so that I don't hurt my back and can feel "normal" for the weekend.  By feeling normal, I mean I'm tired of glares and whispers because (other than the lack of hair) I don't "look" disabled.  Plus, I don't know what treatments I might be on by this time next year.

So if someone knows these actors personally, or in case one of them sees this blog: Thank you.  I hope that somehow we cross paths once more.  I wish I could send you updates, like some of you mentioned you'd like to receive, but I don't really have any way to contact most of you.

Soiree Photos

(thanks to my friend Scott)

Lenore Zann and Julie

Kris Holden-Reid, Lenore Zann, Julie, Paul Amos

Pub Night

Kirby Morrow and Julie

Julie and Paul Amos

Enver Gjokaj and Julie

Weight It Out

Of course one of the big hiccups in my life, even more so than cancer, has been the injuries from the MVA years ago.  One thing that has been a big factor in is weight management.  During my pregnancy with my daughter I had hoped I'd somehow find that niche that would allow me to maintain my weight and not gain a significant amount.  Some mothers can do this, even without turning to unhealthy habits like smoking.  Just keeping active and eating as well as you can is what everyone recommends.  That'd be fine for anyone without my injuries, but still I did my best.

Unfortunately, my best turned out to be the same as when I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Some would say to not sweat it, that with time it will come off, but with me, extra weight seems to mean my back is carrying more, therefore hurts more.  So I stick with what exercises I have been given from physio, do what low impact ones I know do not bother my back, and so forth.  This does make it a slow process.

I try to remind myself that it took me almost two and a half years to lose the weight after my son.  I had finally been reaching a healthy weight for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  That is my goal, a healthy weight.  I'm not aiming for unrealistic or sickly sizes.  I would be a stick figure if I was able to wear a size 2 pair of jeans.  Honestly, if I could even get within a size or two of what I wore when I was fit, I'd be content.

Many may say it is a quest for vanity, to be society's idea of pretty.  I'm not looking at that, however, I'm looking at my health.  Less weight and stronger muscles means potential less pain for me.  It means potential increases in play time with my kids.  It means possible health risks for the overweight may be avoided.  Don't get me wrong, with new, perky breasts on the way, a fit body would be fun and I will enjoy it, but it is not the sole reason by far.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you have extra weight, do what you and your body can.  If you cannot run, walk.  If you cannot walk, try biking.  If you cannot bike, try something new.  Getting up and walking around the couch will not get you far, but you are lapping everyone still sitting down.

Happy Thanksgiving 2013

From Canada: Happy Thanksgiving, once again.  A time to count your blessings and lucky stars, eat turkey, ham, or whatever your family prefers, and to tolerate your family as you are all herded into the same livingroom/kitchen for the day. :)

I send my best wishes to one and all along with a few of my many reasons to be thankful:

• I have two healthy, wonderful children
• I have a great husband (the type that lets his wife sleep in and gets up with the baby and toddler)
• I am close to my family
• I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboards
• I am in a country where hearing I had cancer was not a death sentence because I may not have been able to afford the treatments
• I may be physically disabled, but I still have some abilities
• I have good friends that love me for who I am
• I am alive (f**k you, cancer!)

So enjoy your weekend, supper, and life! 

Bright Lights

It is in the darkest of hours that the smallest light shines its brightest. - Me (Julie Michaud)

It is something that many have heard said differently, but it remains true.  It is when the world seems the most bleak that we can acknowledge the tiniest form of good.  When you know someone is having a bad day, week, month, or more, you don't need to do a grandiose gesture to cheer them up.  Something as simple as buying them a coffee or tea, showing up to invite them out for a drive or walk, sending a handwritten letter to them, or sending them a movie night out coupon can be just the spark they need to remember that people do care about them.

Obviously this all depends on the person and your own financial situation.  A parent cannot always drop everything and go for a drive.  A patient cannot always have a coffee or go for a night out.  There are so many little things that can brighten a person's outlook on life for you to choose from.  Simply evaluate what you know would mean something to the person.  Would a surprise bouquet of flowers, maybe their favorite species, help give them a reason to smile?  Perhaps a half dozen cupcakes could perk their spirits.

What I do not recommend is what a lot of people tend to do.  Do not belittle their strife.  You may have had a similar experience, draw on that as a way to know how to help them, do not mock how they are reacting to it.  Offer valid advice, not criticism.  It may have taken a lot of courage to express how the person is feeling.  Critiquing has it's place but not when trying to help someone out of the darkness.  If you honestly cannot relate, don't.  Just be there for them in any way you can.  Do not use the phrase "I could never handle what you're going through", you mean well but that phrase is so infuriating to most (I bet they have heard it non-stop already), so try to keep that one under wraps.

Best phrase "how can I help you?" and mean it.  If they say they need help piecing their life together, help them find the professional help they need.  If they need one hour to themselves, help them figure a way to get that time.  If they just need you to sit there and hear them bleed their heart out, get comfy and let them do it.

Be the light in the darkness.  Be the hope in despair.  Be the strength in their weakness.  Be their friend in the void.  Angels don't all have wings, most just have an open heart and kindness flowing from them.

Happy Mother's Day

Even if we're not the same on the outside, our love is

Sometimes you gotta laugh

^_^

Cancer Barbie is in production

A reliable source gave me this, it was on their TV the other night.  If the people demand something long enough and are persistent the higher ups do listen... eventually lol.

I'm curious to see the demo of her.  I was never one to play with Barbies but having them make an actual Cancer Barbie doll with wigs and scarves for her head I think is a good step in the right direction.  I wonder if they'll make her look normal or if she will be drained from her chemo >_>

Freed From Captivity - Adventures in Reconstruction

I've been in the hospital since Saturday afternoon.  On St Patty's day I forgot to where green, so my left breast (the new mastectomy) decided to ooze green to make me more festive!  I had an infection, the breast turned red, I was in extreme sudden pain, and the smell was not that of roses... EW...

I was attached to an IV and given antibiotics and fluid (I had not been able to eat in 24 hours).  They forbade me from food after midnight because if I didn't show signs of responding to the antibiotics I was going under the knife the immediately Sunday.  I honestly didn't care about the restriction, I still didn't want to eat.  As days came, the word was constantly, "Well, we'll see how you look tomorrow."  Translation: you're stuck here for now because we don't know what to do with you.  The infection could have been localized to only the incision, or it could have ventured into the breast and caused the seroma to be infected, itself.  YEAH!

Did I mention they don't have internet at QEII?  At least not unless you're a Bell client.  Yeah, that makes sense -_-

I was fortunate enough that my phone had Facebook on it so I could not be 100% cut off from my friends.  My husband's work let him have time off so he could visit me as he pleased and care for our son.  Plus I had several friends visit and bring me movies, books, crosswords, and treats.  I literally had a basket of homemade goodies.  I told that friend she should have worn red so I could start calling her Lil Red Riding Hood - haha!

Long story short, the incision is no longer oozing, it appears closed, the breast is still reddish, but not resembling a stoplight any longer, and my blood pressure is back to normal (it had been 78/49).  I was freed with oral antibiotics and a doctor's appointment for next week.  Now to catch up on missing a week's worth of emails/articles/internet reading/mommy time.  The last is my most missed <3

Shave for the Brave Halifax!!

Okay all you Haligonians!  Shave for the Brave is coming to Halifax Shopping Centre for April 14th, 1pm.  So, get your SHAVE ON!  Take the plung and shave your head (or cut off 10+" off your lovely locks), collecting donations for YACC or become a head hunter and find people to cut their hair!  This is to help support Young Adult Cancer Canada!  They bring young adults that have experienced having cancer across Canada together.  This is such a big help, guys!  I cannot put into words what YACC has meant to me since I found last year.  Please spread the word and contact YACC on the Shave for the Brave site to sign up, or contact me and I'll get you in the right direction! xoxo

Here's a LINK to the Facebook event

Please vote for the Kittehs!

This is a vote for the woman that is running "Purple Cat located in Bedford N. S.", a foster home for neglected cats in HRM. I know everyone has their reasons for wanting this, I know we could use it too, like many of my friends that have entered, but this isn't just for a family, this is for animals that have been left for dead. PLEASE find it in your heart to vote for them. Thank you
http://apps.facebook.com/ramar-hsh/contests/179268/voteable_entries/42840227

 

Getting more breasty

I had my reconstruction surgery last Tuesday.  I opted for having another mastectomy and two expanders put in place.  This means that over time the doctor will put saline solution in my expanders (that are placed in my chest under the skin and muscle) and slowly stretch the area until it can hold the preferred size of implants that will be my new breasts.  Down side - because I did have 25 rounds of radiation on my right chest there is a chance that I will not be able to stretch that side due to the skin being damaged during the treatment.  There is still a chance I can do this procedure and not have any excessive complications.  And to add help with the healing, Tarol and Danielle from Goblins Comic (an awesome read, if you're not reading it, start now!) sent me Big Ears, a paladin from the comic.  He is by my side to help me on my journey. :)

Here's a pic of me with Ears close to an hour after the surgery

I may look drugged because I most definitely was!  And yes, that is the blanket of adorable evil from Looking for Group ;)

Merry Christmas

Wishing you and yours the all the best.  Hope your holidays are filled with joy and happiness, friends and family, and pleasure and gratitude.  May 2012 bring health, happiness, and bring good friends closer, keep family at heart, and give us all the peace our souls need.

I look forward to posting my insights, quotes, pics, and quips in the new year. :)