Hey interwebs
I ended up at emergency because my oncology nurse was nervous of my breathing and increased cough. As far as they can tell after six hours of testing and saline solution, I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
I'm not overly surprised. FEC is an aggressive chemo treatment. It's used with a lot of early stage breast cancer because it is aggressive, and now that I'm late stage, my body is already weakened. I was getting spoiled with treatments that gave me a higher quality of life so I did not rest enough, I guess. And, well, I'm having a lot of noncancer related issues that are taking their toll on my mind and body.
One funny thing that happened was just before I was instructed to go to the hospital by my nurse, I had decided to ask for help in creating a new mealtrain account for our family. Mealtrain is great because people near and far can help. It is free but you can apparently pay for more options and fundraise on it as well. I've just opted for the free version that helps with one meal on days that you need it. That's the great thing, you just open the days you can really use the help. Friends can either deliver food, order food for you to pick up or have delivered, or send gift cards to cover the meal. It's one less thing for me to have on my mind and lets me sleep more. As added security/privacy, you cannot just look up the mealtrain for someone, you need to be invited. I like that, you're not going to get strangers messing with the account and you can make sure that only those that want to sign up do. I'm fortunate that I've had friends local and away signing up to help.
I'm hoping my energy boosts up and I can maybe remove a few of the days I have selected, but for now I'm grateful that in a time of need, I have people helping me. Thank you!
PS:
If you are someone that would like to be added to the mealtrain for my family, please contact me. I'm not placing the link on here
Showing posts with label cheer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheer. Show all posts
Saturday, 31 August 2019
Friday, 28 December 2018
Bell Tolls for Thee?
There's a tradition at most chemotherapy wards, the ringing of the bell when an individual is completed their chemotherapy regiment. Those in the ward clap and cheer for the ringer of bell, they whom stand shaking the instrument furiously. They announce that they are finished with this floor, hoping to never sit in one of their chairs or lay in one of their beds again. Nurses smile as they say goodbye, there are the playful quips of "I hope I never see you again" or "If you come back you had better be lost". Hugs and happy tears are shared and the person leaves. Today this happened twice while I was in the chemo ward. I had another person ask me how many treatments I would have until I was finished, indicating the recent bell. If I ever ring that bell it will not be a celebratory achievement.
If I ever find out that there is no further chemotherapy treatments, if I hear that that was my last one, that means that the cancer has spread too much, gone too far, and that my days will be literally numbered. Ending treatment when you are living with cancer does not signify returning to the life one had before cancer, it means the end of life. Ringing the bell at the chemo floor for a terminally diagnosed patient is chilling not thrilling.
Fortunately there have been many advances in treatments, even within just the past year, let alone decades. I am currently on a trial for my specific type of breast cancer, something that wasn't even thought of ten years ago. This could prove to be the first targeted treatment for my cancer type ever. The first! Before this, it was only "blanket" chemotherapies available for me, ones that were available for most breast cancer types, but no targeted treatments that were specifically used for triple negative breast cancer. One of the best things I heard when talking with the trial nurse was that I get to keep this trial drug as long as my body can tolerate it and it is working. I have something I can use until the cancer adapts (if it does, and most cancers do adapt over time). This could take months, or years, or even longer to become obsolete for me. There's a chance, no matter how slim, that this could make all the cancer become too small to seen in scans. A chance that it could put me in remission. I've lost my hair to this treatment but if it means I get to stay here, I'll take it.
I'd like to note that even if I get the chance to be NED (no evidence of disease), I'll not be ringing the bell after I am told I get a break from chemotherapy. The bell is for completed treatment, not for breaks until the cancer returns. I also would like to say that there is genuine happiness to see people able to say they are hoping to never return to the chemo floor. I wish no one had to ever step foot in there to start. I will still clap for those ringing the bell. I will smile as they scan the room. I am happy for them, but hope I never stand in their place holding that instrument. I do not want the bell to toll for me.
If I ever find out that there is no further chemotherapy treatments, if I hear that that was my last one, that means that the cancer has spread too much, gone too far, and that my days will be literally numbered. Ending treatment when you are living with cancer does not signify returning to the life one had before cancer, it means the end of life. Ringing the bell at the chemo floor for a terminally diagnosed patient is chilling not thrilling.
Fortunately there have been many advances in treatments, even within just the past year, let alone decades. I am currently on a trial for my specific type of breast cancer, something that wasn't even thought of ten years ago. This could prove to be the first targeted treatment for my cancer type ever. The first! Before this, it was only "blanket" chemotherapies available for me, ones that were available for most breast cancer types, but no targeted treatments that were specifically used for triple negative breast cancer. One of the best things I heard when talking with the trial nurse was that I get to keep this trial drug as long as my body can tolerate it and it is working. I have something I can use until the cancer adapts (if it does, and most cancers do adapt over time). This could take months, or years, or even longer to become obsolete for me. There's a chance, no matter how slim, that this could make all the cancer become too small to seen in scans. A chance that it could put me in remission. I've lost my hair to this treatment but if it means I get to stay here, I'll take it.
I'd like to note that even if I get the chance to be NED (no evidence of disease), I'll not be ringing the bell after I am told I get a break from chemotherapy. The bell is for completed treatment, not for breaks until the cancer returns. I also would like to say that there is genuine happiness to see people able to say they are hoping to never return to the chemo floor. I wish no one had to ever step foot in there to start. I will still clap for those ringing the bell. I will smile as they scan the room. I am happy for them, but hope I never stand in their place holding that instrument. I do not want the bell to toll for me.
Friday, 27 July 2018
Chemo Shower - Brought to you by midnight wine
Last night Mike and I had some merlot and late night nachos. The following idea then came to me before we headed for bed: chemo showers.
When people are going through a huge change, there's sometimes a party to help the person/people out. People bring gifts that will assist with the change. Baby showers, you bring diapers, clothes, formula, creams, toys, or baby furniture items to help the parents. Wedding showers you give small appliances, gift cards for renovations, silverware, dishes, china, or whatever the couple has asked for help with. So what about when you're about to not be as functional because of chemotherapy treatment?
You have found out you will be on chemo. You get a couple of your best friends together and pick a date to have a chemo shower, either before the first one or after you have the first treatment for a better idea of how it will affect you. Either have the party in house, at a friend's, or your favourite restaurant. Decorate with things that make you happy: your favourite colours, your favourite quotes, your happiest photos, pictures of kittens, whatever your desire. People bring gift cards for food, coffee/tea, takeout restaurants, or vouchers for cleaning, childcare, or drives to the hospital/grocery store, or self pampering things that you might not be able to afford like a massage (even just a foot/hand/scalp massage), gel nails, gift card to your favourite store to get movies/games, or a pricey restaurant that you adore their desserts. The theme is always support and joy. This is a great time to say exactly what you will need help with. Make a list of needs and post it on the wall (make it fun with a poster board and make it a "pin the chemo bag on the thing they will help with" game), let people sign up for what they can do. Susan can help watch the kids for the January 4th chemo treatment. Jack can come mow your lawn on May 16th. Paul will take the kids overnight on October 12th so you can have a night to yourself when you are most likely to feel like going out for a night. Janice will drive you to your treatment on February 27th. Chris will take you to the movies on August 19th for a fun afternoon. Think about not only your treatment days, but the days when you are feeling a bit normal, you need to have a life and have fun.
So that's my thought. Brought to you by fajita chicken bacon nachos and merlot. #Omnomnom
When people are going through a huge change, there's sometimes a party to help the person/people out. People bring gifts that will assist with the change. Baby showers, you bring diapers, clothes, formula, creams, toys, or baby furniture items to help the parents. Wedding showers you give small appliances, gift cards for renovations, silverware, dishes, china, or whatever the couple has asked for help with. So what about when you're about to not be as functional because of chemotherapy treatment?
You have found out you will be on chemo. You get a couple of your best friends together and pick a date to have a chemo shower, either before the first one or after you have the first treatment for a better idea of how it will affect you. Either have the party in house, at a friend's, or your favourite restaurant. Decorate with things that make you happy: your favourite colours, your favourite quotes, your happiest photos, pictures of kittens, whatever your desire. People bring gift cards for food, coffee/tea, takeout restaurants, or vouchers for cleaning, childcare, or drives to the hospital/grocery store, or self pampering things that you might not be able to afford like a massage (even just a foot/hand/scalp massage), gel nails, gift card to your favourite store to get movies/games, or a pricey restaurant that you adore their desserts. The theme is always support and joy. This is a great time to say exactly what you will need help with. Make a list of needs and post it on the wall (make it fun with a poster board and make it a "pin the chemo bag on the thing they will help with" game), let people sign up for what they can do. Susan can help watch the kids for the January 4th chemo treatment. Jack can come mow your lawn on May 16th. Paul will take the kids overnight on October 12th so you can have a night to yourself when you are most likely to feel like going out for a night. Janice will drive you to your treatment on February 27th. Chris will take you to the movies on August 19th for a fun afternoon. Think about not only your treatment days, but the days when you are feeling a bit normal, you need to have a life and have fun.
So that's my thought. Brought to you by fajita chicken bacon nachos and merlot. #Omnomnom
Monday, 9 July 2018
Moments of Thanks and Inspiration
I'm in a bad spot right now. To help avoid a "downer" blog - which seem to be too often lately - I'm taking a moment to try to think of a lot things I'm grateful for:
Change does not happen by shrugging your shoulders. Help does not come from twiddling thumbs. You cannot help if you are too worried what others will think of you. Follow your heart, it is speaking to you, it twinges when you know that you can do something to right a situation. Be selfless sometimes, think of how happy you can make someone with something as simple as a small, inexpensive gift or by doing a selfless act. Share your friends' fundraising efforts, share their attempts to go outside their safe zone, share their events, share their triumphs, help where you can. Can you imagine a world where everyone tried to help when they knew they could?
- I have my soul mate as my spouse. Mike and I honestly say the same thing at the same time quite often. We can finish sentences, we want to cuddle at the same time, we can be apart or do different activities and not feel left by the other. I can never be grateful enough for him.
- My talents. I love that I can do a lot of things on my own. I do wish that I could do them more often but that's leading into some of the dark stuff, so let's avoid that part. I love that I can draw to express myself, I love to write, to do woodworking, metalworking, I can build things with my hands with many mediums, and love to sing.
- I have some pretty amazing friends. Friends that will do whatever they can for me, that go out of their way to see me smile, from watching the kids to sending surprises that mean a lot to me in the mail.
- My kids are sometimes exasperating but they are also a source of happiness. I get hugs, kisses, and "I love you"s often.
- I'm able to still do some things, even if I cannot do everything any longer. I can still feel slightly useful as I am not bedridden.
- My cats and dog love me and give me cuddles.
- I have a chemo regimen that appears to be working.
- I apparently inspire people to do good. This one I want to talk more about for a second:
If something needs to be done, do what you can.
Change does not happen by shrugging your shoulders. Help does not come from twiddling thumbs. You cannot help if you are too worried what others will think of you. Follow your heart, it is speaking to you, it twinges when you know that you can do something to right a situation. Be selfless sometimes, think of how happy you can make someone with something as simple as a small, inexpensive gift or by doing a selfless act. Share your friends' fundraising efforts, share their attempts to go outside their safe zone, share their events, share their triumphs, help where you can. Can you imagine a world where everyone tried to help when they knew they could?
Sunday, 24 June 2018
Post Conference 2018
Mike and I were privileged enough to attend the 2018 Young Adult Cancer Canada Survivor Conference at the beginning of the month. We had the chance to connect with old friends and make new friends as 99 survivors/supporters were in attendance. I was able to help with making sure everyone had some fun by raising funds for a social event, karaoke (YACCaraoke), at Karaoke Kops. It was the hottest spot in St John's that night! Huge thanks and much gratitude to the staff and owners of Karaoke Kops!
We were able to attend workshops and discuss matters that have come to light in the past year. There was a panel, a Big Cancer Hook Up, and many presenters. Saying the conference was a success for YACC and their ideals is a gross understatement.
The aftermath of conference is one thing that is never easy to deal with. It's the pain of having to leave your friends for at least another year. It's the fear of how many friends will die between now and next year. It's the fear that this was your last year. That's the thing about making connections: they're awesome and help alleviate your loneliness and fear of isolation, but you are brought into this circle because of a terminal illness, some of us get to stay around longer than others. I could never say I regret any of the connections I've made through YACC. I've cherished every friend that I've met through them. I weep at their death because they had so much that they wished they could do and I weep for the hole that their absence leaves in my heart. But they are still in my heart. Always thought of and fondly remembered.
I try to soak in the energy that many gave over the conference. The laughter and joyful jubilation that saturated us. To take the tears that were shed in stride and try to remember it is for my loss I cry, that their pain is finished. I giggle at the jokes we told, I hold dear the smiles and happy faces, I recall the strong hugs and high fives.
I will try to spread the happy. I will try to remember it is okay to cry.
We were able to attend workshops and discuss matters that have come to light in the past year. There was a panel, a Big Cancer Hook Up, and many presenters. Saying the conference was a success for YACC and their ideals is a gross understatement.
The aftermath of conference is one thing that is never easy to deal with. It's the pain of having to leave your friends for at least another year. It's the fear of how many friends will die between now and next year. It's the fear that this was your last year. That's the thing about making connections: they're awesome and help alleviate your loneliness and fear of isolation, but you are brought into this circle because of a terminal illness, some of us get to stay around longer than others. I could never say I regret any of the connections I've made through YACC. I've cherished every friend that I've met through them. I weep at their death because they had so much that they wished they could do and I weep for the hole that their absence leaves in my heart. But they are still in my heart. Always thought of and fondly remembered.
I try to soak in the energy that many gave over the conference. The laughter and joyful jubilation that saturated us. To take the tears that were shed in stride and try to remember it is for my loss I cry, that their pain is finished. I giggle at the jokes we told, I hold dear the smiles and happy faces, I recall the strong hugs and high fives.
I will try to spread the happy. I will try to remember it is okay to cry.
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| Me and Mike on the bus for one of the social events at conference |
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| Love that we had the opportunity to fly with Porter Airlines |
Tuesday, 1 May 2018
Why Should You Shave for the Brave?
Wondering if you should participate in a Shave for the Brave? Here's a few reasons to sign up for the razor:
All the young adult Canadians that you'll help connect through Young Adult Cancer Canada's conferences and retreats. It'll give you the warm fuzzies ;)
- A shaved head is a great way to cool off in the summer
- Savings: think of all the money you won't be spending on shampoo!
- Less to pack. When traveling you won't need to remember a brush or comb
- No hair to hide your funky and classy earrings
- Saves time getting ready in the morning, no brushing or styling hair
- Shaving for the Brave means that other people are paying for you to get your hair cut
- As your hair grows in you can try funky colours and if you don't like them, you can just shave it off, again.
- Bald is beautiful: Just look at these ladies to name a few. Of course who could deny the beauty of Lupita Nyong'o or Danai Gurira
- Many women see bald men as attractive, just look at Dwayne Johnson, Bruce Willis, and Jason Statham
- You can cosplay a lot more characters
- Wigs look a lot better when you wear them without hair underneath
All the young adult Canadians that you'll help connect through Young Adult Cancer Canada's conferences and retreats. It'll give you the warm fuzzies ;)
Monday, 30 April 2018
Shaving and Spring Fair for YACC
What a whirl-wind this weekend was. We had the Spring Fair for YACC and the Shave for the Brave. My son and several others shaved their hair for Young Adult Cancer Canada. I'm happy to say that the group raised over $2,000 together. We had the Spring Fair to raise funds for social events at the YACC Survivor Conference this June. The total for that has been $600 raised. I cannot thank everyone that helped me and stepped up, asking if there was anything they could do. I admit I'm extremely sore after putting on the fair and shave but I'll gladly take being in pain for several days if it means fundraising for YACC and getting the word out that the organization exists.
There's still time to donate to either event. If you want it to go towards the Shave for the Brave please donate using THIS LINK, it's for Archer's Team. If you want to host your own Shave, please check out the link in the first paragraph.
If you'd like to donate towards the social events, either send me a message or contact YACC and let them know that's what you want the funds to go towards. There's a link for them in the first paragraph, too.
I hope that we get to do this form of fundraiser again, the vendors said they had fun, many were happy to hear about an organization like YACC, and it was great to see the smiles and hear the laughter of people working towards something they believed in. Take care guys. xoxo
There's still time to donate to either event. If you want it to go towards the Shave for the Brave please donate using THIS LINK, it's for Archer's Team. If you want to host your own Shave, please check out the link in the first paragraph.
If you'd like to donate towards the social events, either send me a message or contact YACC and let them know that's what you want the funds to go towards. There's a link for them in the first paragraph, too.
I hope that we get to do this form of fundraiser again, the vendors said they had fun, many were happy to hear about an organization like YACC, and it was great to see the smiles and hear the laughter of people working towards something they believed in. Take care guys. xoxo
Tuesday, 20 March 2018
Happy Bday Hubby
This post may seem like a "#humblebrag", but I'm starting to think that it's something that more people need to be aware of.
My hubby is having his bday soon. He's been by my side through more crap than most couples need to deal with in the first few years of their marriage. I wanted to put out into the interwebs what kind of man he is.
Before my husband I had heard of people saying they "married their best friend" and I didn't fully know how that felt. I had been married before and it was not a good situation. It took me a long time to realize what that relationship was. This marriage that I'm in now is completely different. I can say that I married my bestfriend. A part of our relationship is so similar to what I have with those that I have long called my bestfriends. We can laugh, cry, complain, be smart-assed, or just hang out doing absolutely nothing, and be content together. We love to play video games together, we can read books on the couch together and not say a word, we can watch movies together because we have the same tastes for the most part. No, we're not exactly alike, if one of us wants to do something that other doesn't, we don't force it on the other. We just do our own thing at that point, it's not a big deal.
Our relationship isn't just a PG life, we are compatible lovers. It's taboo to say stuff like that in our society but taboos can suck it - we're married, we love each other, we have sex. That should be painfully evident since we have three kids. Throughout our entire relationship, we've been able to enjoy our play-time together. We can both say that we have fun with sex and neither of us ever pressures the other into having sex - something I didn't understand was possible for a long time.
Hubby is a good father, too. He takes care of our kids, he's not just a couch potato, even though he's worked all day. He plays with the kids, helps with discipline, teaches the kids, hugs them, and kisses them. He is always there when they need him, but he doesn't do everything so they can learn some independence. I know that no matter what, he is a responsible parent, a gentle hand but firm teacher.
This is our relationship. We're able to be by ourselves and be happy. We're able to love each and not feel forced into it. We're able to be apart and not fear what the other is doing, we miss each other a lot, but we're not able to feel that the other is up to something. Here's the part many do not understand about us - we don't fight. We don't. We've never yelled at each other. We don't argue. We've disagreed before but it was a conversation, not an argument. You may think I'm lying, but I'm not.
I think that there's a lot of compromise in relationships, and that's okay to an extent. I found I compromised a lot and it lead to bad relationships. I finally said that I would not change me for someone and found someone that never once asked me to. I found someone that I didn't need to wear a mask with, someone that doesn't need me to bend to their will to keep them happy. I've been in bad relationships and learned over a long time that I was dealing with issues because of compromising myself for my partner. Do I think any of my bad relationships would have lasted after I was permanently injured from the car collision? No. Do I think any of my bad relationships would have lasted after my cancer diagnoses? Hell no. Not all relationships can take that kind of stress, especially with kids in the mix. I'm extremely lucky, and I know it. My hubby loves me no matter how many scars I have, no matter what parts of me get removed or rebuilt to not-the-same reconstruction, no matter if I'm really sick or able to function for the day.
What I'm trying to say, interwebs, is that even though I went through the bad relationships, I now finally understand what a relationship with a lover, partner, spouse is supposed to be. Our relationship isn't 50/50, we're both very present in it. I know that if he has a problem, he will talk to me. He knows that if I have a problem, I will talk to him. I know that every night that we get to go to bed together we'll fall asleep cuddled, with our last words to each other being, "Love you, goodnight sexy/handsome". My greatest wish is for everyone to one day know this kind of relationship.
Happy bday, handsome. Love every moment with you xoxo
My hubby is having his bday soon. He's been by my side through more crap than most couples need to deal with in the first few years of their marriage. I wanted to put out into the interwebs what kind of man he is.
Before my husband I had heard of people saying they "married their best friend" and I didn't fully know how that felt. I had been married before and it was not a good situation. It took me a long time to realize what that relationship was. This marriage that I'm in now is completely different. I can say that I married my bestfriend. A part of our relationship is so similar to what I have with those that I have long called my bestfriends. We can laugh, cry, complain, be smart-assed, or just hang out doing absolutely nothing, and be content together. We love to play video games together, we can read books on the couch together and not say a word, we can watch movies together because we have the same tastes for the most part. No, we're not exactly alike, if one of us wants to do something that other doesn't, we don't force it on the other. We just do our own thing at that point, it's not a big deal.
Our relationship isn't just a PG life, we are compatible lovers. It's taboo to say stuff like that in our society but taboos can suck it - we're married, we love each other, we have sex. That should be painfully evident since we have three kids. Throughout our entire relationship, we've been able to enjoy our play-time together. We can both say that we have fun with sex and neither of us ever pressures the other into having sex - something I didn't understand was possible for a long time.
Hubby is a good father, too. He takes care of our kids, he's not just a couch potato, even though he's worked all day. He plays with the kids, helps with discipline, teaches the kids, hugs them, and kisses them. He is always there when they need him, but he doesn't do everything so they can learn some independence. I know that no matter what, he is a responsible parent, a gentle hand but firm teacher.
This is our relationship. We're able to be by ourselves and be happy. We're able to love each and not feel forced into it. We're able to be apart and not fear what the other is doing, we miss each other a lot, but we're not able to feel that the other is up to something. Here's the part many do not understand about us - we don't fight. We don't. We've never yelled at each other. We don't argue. We've disagreed before but it was a conversation, not an argument. You may think I'm lying, but I'm not.
I think that there's a lot of compromise in relationships, and that's okay to an extent. I found I compromised a lot and it lead to bad relationships. I finally said that I would not change me for someone and found someone that never once asked me to. I found someone that I didn't need to wear a mask with, someone that doesn't need me to bend to their will to keep them happy. I've been in bad relationships and learned over a long time that I was dealing with issues because of compromising myself for my partner. Do I think any of my bad relationships would have lasted after I was permanently injured from the car collision? No. Do I think any of my bad relationships would have lasted after my cancer diagnoses? Hell no. Not all relationships can take that kind of stress, especially with kids in the mix. I'm extremely lucky, and I know it. My hubby loves me no matter how many scars I have, no matter what parts of me get removed or rebuilt to not-the-same reconstruction, no matter if I'm really sick or able to function for the day.
What I'm trying to say, interwebs, is that even though I went through the bad relationships, I now finally understand what a relationship with a lover, partner, spouse is supposed to be. Our relationship isn't 50/50, we're both very present in it. I know that if he has a problem, he will talk to me. He knows that if I have a problem, I will talk to him. I know that every night that we get to go to bed together we'll fall asleep cuddled, with our last words to each other being, "Love you, goodnight sexy/handsome". My greatest wish is for everyone to one day know this kind of relationship.
Happy bday, handsome. Love every moment with you xoxo
Thursday, 11 August 2016
A Smile
I don't know if it is because of my post yesterday but there started being some activity on our Meal Train page yesterday. If you don't know what Meal Train is, it's a site that you can set up and people pick a day to make a meal for a person/family. My son's teacher started one for us last year after several parents had asked if there was any way they could help. It's been a great relief for us, it's anything from home cooked meals, gift cards so we can enjoy a night out with the family, or take out brought straight to us. I cannot be more grateful for their kindness and open hearts. And so I say thank you to those of you that take time out of your day to think of someone else, those that understand that living with cancer is a trial to begin with and adding physical disabilities just compounds that, those that wish to bring a ray of light to those that feel stuck in the dark pit of despair.
Saturday, 13 February 2016
Happy Valentines Day '16
Happy Heart Day to one and all. I'm going to take this moment to brag. Don't want to hear it, stop reading ..... now.
I hit the jackpot with my husband. He's someone that is responsible and caring. Examples? Start with when we met. He knew that I was dealing with a horrible divorce, but didn't care, he was willing to work with me and help support me through that terrible experience. How about the fact that after we married I was hit in a car accident and became permanently disabled. He's never made me feel like less of a person for not being the independent person I once was. Then there's the parenting side, he gets up with the children when they wake up in the middle of the night. He plays with them even when he's tired from work. He can't wait to get home to see us. We can be together for days on end and not be sick of each other. We'd actually continue to stay next to each other for days on end without a single thought of annoyance.
Throw cancer into the mix. He stands by me, supports my decisions, listens to my rants, still tells me he loves me, grabs my butt and tells me I'm beautiful, and never once looked at me differently when I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, looked like death warmed over, was stuck in bed, or had only one breast.
He still likes to get me treats, surprises me with tea, he steals kisses, gives me hugs. He loves and plays with his kids, but shares with discipline and responsibilities that come with having a child.
I win. :) <3
I hit the jackpot with my husband. He's someone that is responsible and caring. Examples? Start with when we met. He knew that I was dealing with a horrible divorce, but didn't care, he was willing to work with me and help support me through that terrible experience. How about the fact that after we married I was hit in a car accident and became permanently disabled. He's never made me feel like less of a person for not being the independent person I once was. Then there's the parenting side, he gets up with the children when they wake up in the middle of the night. He plays with them even when he's tired from work. He can't wait to get home to see us. We can be together for days on end and not be sick of each other. We'd actually continue to stay next to each other for days on end without a single thought of annoyance.
Throw cancer into the mix. He stands by me, supports my decisions, listens to my rants, still tells me he loves me, grabs my butt and tells me I'm beautiful, and never once looked at me differently when I lost my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, looked like death warmed over, was stuck in bed, or had only one breast.
He still likes to get me treats, surprises me with tea, he steals kisses, gives me hugs. He loves and plays with his kids, but shares with discipline and responsibilities that come with having a child.
I win. :) <3
Friday, 6 November 2015
An Interesting Weekend
With my anxiety about chemotherapy last Tuesday, I forgot to write about my Halloween weekend. My husband and I were able to attend Hal-Con in Halifax, the local sci-fi convention. I pushed my chemo till this week so that I could go without the bone-breaking pain and fear of being around people with a cold. It was an experience.
The first day was not so good. There was several times that the volunteer staff supplied by Hal-Con were not on the same page as the staff of the WTCC (World Trade and Convention Centre). There were also times that a couple of the volunteers didn't quite seem to understand what their job entailed, which led to several confusing and frustrating moments. I did get to see a couple of the celebrities and attend a couple panels. There were several attendees that didn't like that I couldn't move overly fast (back pain from my injury makes me slow down), so they barged passed us and took the seats we were heading for. The worst of day one was when the miss-communication between volunteers and WTCC staff had us trapped inside the con. Every way we went they told us we could not leave from that exit. I had a panic attack. My pain was escalating and the idea of being surrounded by that many people and not being permitted to exit the building quickly attacked my mind. We did finally find the exit and, quite frankly, ran away. We went to supper with a gift card that had been kicking around from a friend (finally was in town and able to use it), that was a glorious meal, and when we returned to the hotel room they had vouchers for drinks and a plate of sweets waiting for us. That helped with our stress level.
Saturday was better in that the Hal-Con staff spoke with the volunteers about the issues and tried their best to nip-it-in-the-bud. We had a hard time deciding on panels because a lot of the ones that we wanted were at the same time, plus there were several celebs that we still hoped to get autographs and photos with. I was able to see a friend that I had not seen in years and catch up, had supper with them, and attended the soiree with the celebs. It was fun, but a lot of people surround the popular guests like moths to a flame. My back had enough of standing so I was stuck at a table. One of the guests found me, and sat with us, chatting for the remainder of the event. That was Lenore Zann. Many would know her as Rogue from X-Men, the 90's cartoon. Rogue was one of my favorites (second only to Wolverine), to meet her was a real treat for me. The fact that she came over and started chatting like we were old mates just reuniting after a long separation was very lovely! After the soiree we were going to just go to bed but there was a bit of a kerfuffle on our floor so we decided to vacate the hotel. There were some people going to a local pub just a block away, we headed in that direction. Long story short, our Halloween was spent with Kris and Paul (from Lost Girl), Kirby (Goku) and his lovely missus, Enver (from Agent Carter), Alaina (Supernatural), Fadi (Captain Canuck producer), Rob (Cyanide & Happiness), and a couple others. The next day was spent quickly going around to say "Hi" to those that we had been at the pub with the night before and running home to get the kids from the family members that had watched them that weekend for us.
I don't think these guests know what that night (the soiree and the pub) meant to me and my husband. Our weekend was looking like a write-off. We were questioning why we even bothered with our passes and not sold them off, as money is a bit hard to come by, now. The weekend was supposed to be a treat for us. We had not done anything for our anniversary in quite some time. Chemo kept me locked up in the house often. Having disabilities, three kids, and cancer has not made going out that simple. We were extremely close to selling our tickets, especially after Friday's debacle. Being able to simply hang out and have a glass of wine with them, chatting about everyday things, that means a lot to me. This also might have been my last Hal-Con. Tickets are getting too hard to get. I need the special passes so that I don't hurt my back and can feel "normal" for the weekend. By feeling normal, I mean I'm tired of glares and whispers because (other than the lack of hair) I don't "look" disabled. Plus, I don't know what treatments I might be on by this time next year.
So if someone knows these actors personally, or in case one of them sees this blog: Thank you. I hope that somehow we cross paths once more. I wish I could send you updates, like some of you mentioned you'd like to receive, but I don't really have any way to contact most of you.
The first day was not so good. There was several times that the volunteer staff supplied by Hal-Con were not on the same page as the staff of the WTCC (World Trade and Convention Centre). There were also times that a couple of the volunteers didn't quite seem to understand what their job entailed, which led to several confusing and frustrating moments. I did get to see a couple of the celebrities and attend a couple panels. There were several attendees that didn't like that I couldn't move overly fast (back pain from my injury makes me slow down), so they barged passed us and took the seats we were heading for. The worst of day one was when the miss-communication between volunteers and WTCC staff had us trapped inside the con. Every way we went they told us we could not leave from that exit. I had a panic attack. My pain was escalating and the idea of being surrounded by that many people and not being permitted to exit the building quickly attacked my mind. We did finally find the exit and, quite frankly, ran away. We went to supper with a gift card that had been kicking around from a friend (finally was in town and able to use it), that was a glorious meal, and when we returned to the hotel room they had vouchers for drinks and a plate of sweets waiting for us. That helped with our stress level.
Saturday was better in that the Hal-Con staff spoke with the volunteers about the issues and tried their best to nip-it-in-the-bud. We had a hard time deciding on panels because a lot of the ones that we wanted were at the same time, plus there were several celebs that we still hoped to get autographs and photos with. I was able to see a friend that I had not seen in years and catch up, had supper with them, and attended the soiree with the celebs. It was fun, but a lot of people surround the popular guests like moths to a flame. My back had enough of standing so I was stuck at a table. One of the guests found me, and sat with us, chatting for the remainder of the event. That was Lenore Zann. Many would know her as Rogue from X-Men, the 90's cartoon. Rogue was one of my favorites (second only to Wolverine), to meet her was a real treat for me. The fact that she came over and started chatting like we were old mates just reuniting after a long separation was very lovely! After the soiree we were going to just go to bed but there was a bit of a kerfuffle on our floor so we decided to vacate the hotel. There were some people going to a local pub just a block away, we headed in that direction. Long story short, our Halloween was spent with Kris and Paul (from Lost Girl), Kirby (Goku) and his lovely missus, Enver (from Agent Carter), Alaina (Supernatural), Fadi (Captain Canuck producer), Rob (Cyanide & Happiness), and a couple others. The next day was spent quickly going around to say "Hi" to those that we had been at the pub with the night before and running home to get the kids from the family members that had watched them that weekend for us.
I don't think these guests know what that night (the soiree and the pub) meant to me and my husband. Our weekend was looking like a write-off. We were questioning why we even bothered with our passes and not sold them off, as money is a bit hard to come by, now. The weekend was supposed to be a treat for us. We had not done anything for our anniversary in quite some time. Chemo kept me locked up in the house often. Having disabilities, three kids, and cancer has not made going out that simple. We were extremely close to selling our tickets, especially after Friday's debacle. Being able to simply hang out and have a glass of wine with them, chatting about everyday things, that means a lot to me. This also might have been my last Hal-Con. Tickets are getting too hard to get. I need the special passes so that I don't hurt my back and can feel "normal" for the weekend. By feeling normal, I mean I'm tired of glares and whispers because (other than the lack of hair) I don't "look" disabled. Plus, I don't know what treatments I might be on by this time next year.
So if someone knows these actors personally, or in case one of them sees this blog: Thank you. I hope that somehow we cross paths once more. I wish I could send you updates, like some of you mentioned you'd like to receive, but I don't really have any way to contact most of you.
Soiree Photos
(thanks to my friend Scott)
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| Lenore Zann and Julie |
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| Kris Holden-Reid, Lenore Zann, Julie, Paul Amos |
Pub Night
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| Kirby Morrow and Julie |
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| Julie and Paul Amos |
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| Enver Gjokaj and Julie |
Sunday, 11 January 2015
Surprise!
I had a surprise pop up back in September, a week before I was scheduled to have my breast implants exchanged. I was anxiously awaiting the surgery, it was very close to the last step of my reconstruction. I had been having issues for over six months, however. (Get ready to cringe guys). My periods were shortening greatly, only a couple days at a time, and they were much more frequent. One month I had two, another I had three. My gp arranged for me to see a gynecologist in at the IWK to see what was going on.
I had a lot going through my mind. There was the less severe things like going into menopause early because of the chemotherapy back in 2010/2011. Another much more terrifying thought was that cancer found a new home and had started up this change in my body. My husband was trying to help me stay positive, but he's realistic like me, so he was trying to see all possible angles, as well. Of course, the day before my appointment he says one possibility that I had not given a single thought, and quickly dismissed. I'll elaborate shortly.
I have the gyno my history, the elaborate story of my cancer journey, including the birth of my daughter post cancer. At the gyno's I had a test that was routine, just a precaution, that they had to always preform. The gyno came in the room, preparing to do a scraping of my uterus to test for a few things, including types of cancer. She looked at the test, so did the nurse. My gyno says, "What does the second line mean?" The nurse is still staring at the test, "It means she's pregnant." My reaction? "What do you mean there's a second line?? That wasn't there a second ago."
Sure enough, my husband jinxed me. He had asked me the day before, "What if you're pregnant?" I said to him that this had been going on for close to 6 months, if I was pregnant I'd be showing just a little by now. Besides, we had been using protection. I refuse to use birth control pills since cancer, but they claim that condoms are 99.9% effective. Well, guess what, we're that magical 0.1%.
The funny thing, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. I'm not sure what was causing my issue for the previous 6 months, but it had not been the pregnancy. Everything medical got put on hold. No surgery could happen after they knew I was pregnant. Luckily, I could still get the injections for my back and shoulder while pregnant, so that was a lifesaver at least. But, the reconstruction is on hold again, and I was not looking forward to how my injuries from the car accident would be paining me throughout the pregnancy.
This was a big surprise, we didn't plan on having more children. We had talked about it for months and decided to leave our family at four, not five, just us and the two kids. I had started gathering all my maternity clothes to take to my friend's consignment shop in Dartmouth, we were going to next start gathering the baby items and clothes to clear out. As luck would have it we had not quite done any of that yet.
We're trying to figure this all out as we go. Part of our reasoning before for staying a family of four had been my condition with my back and shoulder, but that is out the window, now. I'll get to test my ability to withstand pain as I will have three munchkins to take care of. Thank heavens I have my hubby, and my parents and siblings close by.
Let the next adventure begin!
I had a lot going through my mind. There was the less severe things like going into menopause early because of the chemotherapy back in 2010/2011. Another much more terrifying thought was that cancer found a new home and had started up this change in my body. My husband was trying to help me stay positive, but he's realistic like me, so he was trying to see all possible angles, as well. Of course, the day before my appointment he says one possibility that I had not given a single thought, and quickly dismissed. I'll elaborate shortly.
I have the gyno my history, the elaborate story of my cancer journey, including the birth of my daughter post cancer. At the gyno's I had a test that was routine, just a precaution, that they had to always preform. The gyno came in the room, preparing to do a scraping of my uterus to test for a few things, including types of cancer. She looked at the test, so did the nurse. My gyno says, "What does the second line mean?" The nurse is still staring at the test, "It means she's pregnant." My reaction? "What do you mean there's a second line?? That wasn't there a second ago."
Sure enough, my husband jinxed me. He had asked me the day before, "What if you're pregnant?" I said to him that this had been going on for close to 6 months, if I was pregnant I'd be showing just a little by now. Besides, we had been using protection. I refuse to use birth control pills since cancer, but they claim that condoms are 99.9% effective. Well, guess what, we're that magical 0.1%.
The funny thing, I was just 5 weeks pregnant. I'm not sure what was causing my issue for the previous 6 months, but it had not been the pregnancy. Everything medical got put on hold. No surgery could happen after they knew I was pregnant. Luckily, I could still get the injections for my back and shoulder while pregnant, so that was a lifesaver at least. But, the reconstruction is on hold again, and I was not looking forward to how my injuries from the car accident would be paining me throughout the pregnancy.
This was a big surprise, we didn't plan on having more children. We had talked about it for months and decided to leave our family at four, not five, just us and the two kids. I had started gathering all my maternity clothes to take to my friend's consignment shop in Dartmouth, we were going to next start gathering the baby items and clothes to clear out. As luck would have it we had not quite done any of that yet.
We're trying to figure this all out as we go. Part of our reasoning before for staying a family of four had been my condition with my back and shoulder, but that is out the window, now. I'll get to test my ability to withstand pain as I will have three munchkins to take care of. Thank heavens I have my hubby, and my parents and siblings close by.
Let the next adventure begin!
Sunday, 12 October 2014
Thankful 2014
I'm thankful for naps.
I'm thankful for family, both by blood and by friendship.
I'm thankful for a husband that understands me. He knows I try my best and even though I'm not capable of the things I was when we first married, he loves me no matter what.
I'm thankful for my kids, they drive me nuts sometimes but they also bring a lot of joy.
I'm thankful for a day in age where we can communicate across cities, countries, oceans, with relative ease, and we can communicate with people we admire, remembering they are human, too.
I'm thankful for my artistic abilities.
I'm thankful that I had intelligent doctors that knew the best way to save me from my cancer.
I'm thankful that I have met people that understand both cancer and getting disabilities from an MVA.
I'm thankful for Lolcats, I Can Has Cheezburger has brought me so much joy!
I'm thankful for cats.
I'm thankful that YACC exists and helps me to this day.
I'm thankful for books, written on paper, taking me away whenever possible.
I'm thankful for a house with heat in the winter and cooling in the summer.
I'm thankful for people like R A Salvatore, Tarol Hunt, Lar and Sohmer, and many more filling the world with beautiful stories.
I'm thankful I am here to write this, and that you are here to read it.
I'm thankful for family, both by blood and by friendship.
I'm thankful for a husband that understands me. He knows I try my best and even though I'm not capable of the things I was when we first married, he loves me no matter what.
I'm thankful for my kids, they drive me nuts sometimes but they also bring a lot of joy.
I'm thankful for a day in age where we can communicate across cities, countries, oceans, with relative ease, and we can communicate with people we admire, remembering they are human, too.
I'm thankful for my artistic abilities.
I'm thankful that I had intelligent doctors that knew the best way to save me from my cancer.
I'm thankful that I have met people that understand both cancer and getting disabilities from an MVA.
I'm thankful for Lolcats, I Can Has Cheezburger has brought me so much joy!
I'm thankful for cats.
I'm thankful that YACC exists and helps me to this day.
I'm thankful for books, written on paper, taking me away whenever possible.
I'm thankful for a house with heat in the winter and cooling in the summer.
I'm thankful for people like R A Salvatore, Tarol Hunt, Lar and Sohmer, and many more filling the world with beautiful stories.
I'm thankful I am here to write this, and that you are here to read it.
Tuesday, 26 August 2014
Being Thankful
I am thankful:
- For the fact my daughter napped long enough for me to have a bath.
- That my son says "I love you, too" back every time I say it to him.
- Despite money issues, we still have a heated roof over our head and food in the fridge.
- That I have friends that love animals as much as me, and they always try to help them.
- That I have people I could call in the middle of the night and they'd do their best to help me.
- That I live in Canada and the majority of my cancer treatments were covered by our public health care.
- For YACC helping me make friends that understand having cancer and still trying to live a "normal" life.
- That my husband comes home and is happier to be here than at work (even with children wrapped around his ankles).
- That my Dad helps where he can with the house and kids.
- For having my family close by, because there are a lot of people who do not.
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Reconstruction update
I've met with my plastic surgeon and I am now greedily awaiting my date for the *hopefully* final surgery. After this trip to the OR, the plan is to have two permanent implants, fully touched up skin, and begin the healing process.
I must say something that may surprise a few people. Getting to deal with cancer has given me something to look forward to. After the accident, losing some of my mobility/abilities, things were feeling very bleak. Being able to have something to fight, something to see an end to, has helped me. Yes, having cancer is horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I've been able to use it to my advantage.
I will not be getting nipples added to my new breasts, I have been very adamant on this from the start. I will be designing a tattoo to cover my chest. It holds more meaning to me, and is more my personality than to go through the process to have nipples, again. Most women are constantly trying to hide the fact that they have erect nipples, I cannot see why I would want to get permanently erect nipples added. The other option for non-pointy breasts is to get 3D tattoos of nipples. This isn't in my cards, either. Despite the fact that many tattoo shops in Halifax area will do these tattooed nipples for free, I would rather something more creative.
More updates as they come. Enjoy the summer!
I must say something that may surprise a few people. Getting to deal with cancer has given me something to look forward to. After the accident, losing some of my mobility/abilities, things were feeling very bleak. Being able to have something to fight, something to see an end to, has helped me. Yes, having cancer is horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I've been able to use it to my advantage.
I will not be getting nipples added to my new breasts, I have been very adamant on this from the start. I will be designing a tattoo to cover my chest. It holds more meaning to me, and is more my personality than to go through the process to have nipples, again. Most women are constantly trying to hide the fact that they have erect nipples, I cannot see why I would want to get permanently erect nipples added. The other option for non-pointy breasts is to get 3D tattoos of nipples. This isn't in my cards, either. Despite the fact that many tattoo shops in Halifax area will do these tattooed nipples for free, I would rather something more creative.
More updates as they come. Enjoy the summer!
Monday, 21 April 2014
Hoppy Easter - Renewal
Whether you celebrate Easter in the Christian sense or the magical Peter Rabbit sense, Easter is a time of renewal. It is a time to shed the past, look to the future, and live in the present. Spring has come to most of us (even in Canada), and this is, itself, the rebirth of the seasons.
If you are Christian, you see it as the celebration of Jesus Christ exiting his tomb, validating his claims all the more, giving weight to his promise of paradise, and belief to his Father. He started a new chapter in religions, he created Christianity that day, bringing the well know verses:
If you are Christian, you see it as the celebration of Jesus Christ exiting his tomb, validating his claims all the more, giving weight to his promise of paradise, and belief to his Father. He started a new chapter in religions, he created Christianity that day, bringing the well know verses:
15 That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. (John 3:15-17)
For those that are in it for the chocolate, that bunny is surrounded by symbols of beginning: eggs, chicks, flowers, nests, and more. Granted most are carved from candy and devoured like you were starved for a week straight.
Even if you do not celebrate either of these, rebirth and renewal is surrounding you. The skies deepen their blue, the grass begins to grow and green, trees bud, roots stretch, and babies are prepared for in every corner of the earth.
Some of us will not be looking at the outdoors and thinking, "It's time to start, again." Some will be wondering why things must end. Why must things be taken from us, much the way that winter steals the growth. But, it is through this way that renewal may come. Through loss, no matter how tragic and senseless, we find new paths, new friendships, new perspectives that would never be seen if we did not first lose. I do not want to take away from the fact that the tragedy occurred, but ask for those grieving and questioning fairness or justice to find their time to lament, and let themselves find their renewal, their rebirth. Be the phoenix rising from the flames. Be the joy from despair.
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. (John 3:15-17)
For those that are in it for the chocolate, that bunny is surrounded by symbols of beginning: eggs, chicks, flowers, nests, and more. Granted most are carved from candy and devoured like you were starved for a week straight.
Even if you do not celebrate either of these, rebirth and renewal is surrounding you. The skies deepen their blue, the grass begins to grow and green, trees bud, roots stretch, and babies are prepared for in every corner of the earth.
Some of us will not be looking at the outdoors and thinking, "It's time to start, again." Some will be wondering why things must end. Why must things be taken from us, much the way that winter steals the growth. But, it is through this way that renewal may come. Through loss, no matter how tragic and senseless, we find new paths, new friendships, new perspectives that would never be seen if we did not first lose. I do not want to take away from the fact that the tragedy occurred, but ask for those grieving and questioning fairness or justice to find their time to lament, and let themselves find their renewal, their rebirth. Be the phoenix rising from the flames. Be the joy from despair.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Happy Thanksgiving 2013
From Canada: Happy Thanksgiving, once again. A time to count your blessings and lucky stars, eat turkey, ham, or whatever your family prefers, and to tolerate your family as you are all herded into the same livingroom/kitchen for the day. :)
I send my best wishes to one and all along with a few of my many reasons to be thankful:
I send my best wishes to one and all along with a few of my many reasons to be thankful:
- I have two healthy, wonderful children
- I have a great husband (the type that lets his wife sleep in and gets up with the baby and toddler)
- I am close to my family
- I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboards
- I am in a country where hearing I had cancer was not a death sentence because I may not have been able to afford the treatments
- I may be physically disabled, but I still have some abilities
- I have good friends that love me for who I am
- I am alive (f**k you, cancer!)
So enjoy your weekend, supper, and life!
Sunday, 1 September 2013
Mentally Surviving Cancer
Anyone that has found out they have cancer knows that not only are you going to be fighting the cancer in your body, but you will also be fighting a mental battle. There will be a lot of thoughts and ways you view yourself that will threaten to bring you to a state of unbalance, anger, and depression. Here's some thoughts from me to help with the post diagnosis time of your life:
Forgive yourself for having cancer.
I know this seems like a silly thing to say but one of the first things most think about, after the shock of the fact they have cancer, is to question "Why?". No matter if it is genetic, something you encountered in your past, because you turned left and not right as the moon rose in the night sky, you are not being punished, you are not being singled out, you are not at fault. Sometimes "bad" things just happen. And, it may be hard to see now, but there is a chance that you will find a lot good throughout the experience.
Find the sexy in your new body.
A lot of treatments can lead to scars, indents in your body, or missing parts. This was deemed necessary by your counsel of doctors/physicians, but that doesn't make the end result any less hard to live with. Your body has been altered. You are not the "you" that you had come to see day in and day out for all the previous days of your life. As an adult you may find that you feel less attractive, you are scared to show this part of you, and your reflection is an ever present reminder of being diagnosed. You may need a lot of time and solitude to find the acceptance you need to see that scar as a victory, see that missing piece of you as part of life and not a damnation. If you already have a partner, talk with them about how your new body makes you feel. If you do not have a partner, you must come to your own conclusion to when you want to tell prospective loved ones of your journey. Fear of rejection is something we encounter whenever we share something intimate, like having (had) cancer. Just remember if they cannot accept that part of your life, they don't deserve you. No matter what love yourself and treat yourself with respect, don't accept anything less from someone else.
Cut the stress ties.
You have enough on your mind, if someone or something is only a source of stress, sever the connection. Some will be so kind as to cut the ties themselves, making you feel abandoned. It hurts to admit it, but some people are only fair-weather friends and do not care for you as deeply as you care for them. This is almost more difficult to deal with than your sexual identity and the blame that you place on yourself for having cancer. You need companionship, it helps with fighting the feeling of isolation you may encounter. Having people berate, belittle, abuse you will not help you, even if you did not have cancer. Hold those that love you close, say goodbye to those that cannot find it in themselves to cherish you.
Take a Cancer Vacation.
You may say this is a ridiculous notion but hear me out. Your mind needs a break, it needs down time, just like your body needs a rest between treatments. So, either during the before mentioned breaks or after treatment is completed, take a vacation from your cancer, even if only for a day. Find some friends that you can party with that know you just need a day to be you and not the cancer patient. Run away by yourself for a relaxing time, lock yourself in a spa and forget about hospitals for a day. Hide away with the family in a hotel and just enjoy each other with no IV's, surgeons, or cancer ribbons in sight. Try to take as much time as you can, but at least get 24 hours under your belt to help rejuvenate your mind.
Find someone you can talk cancer to.
Doctors do not count here (unless the are survivors themselves). Find someone that has (had) cancer and can relate to your situation. They may not have (had) the same cancer, they may have (had) the same type but different treatments, it doesn't matter. You need someone that can fully understand you. Someone that understands what it feels like to have cancer put their life on hold. You may find someone outside of an organization, or you may seek out a support group. There's also organizations that hold retreats and conferences like Young Adult Cancer Canada. Seek out a "cancer buddy". Not only will your mental state benefit from this but it will give your loved ones a break from constant cancer talk. They love you but need a break from cancer, too.
Get a pro.
When it comes down to it, you are going through a mentally straining situation. Find a social worker or psychologist that can make sure your mental health is going in the right direction. *This is not being weak*, this is being smart. Friends and family are great, cancer buddies can give you advice, but when it comes down to it, you need someone that is a professional and has experience helping those going through cancer. If you are having financial difficulties, these people may have groups/resources to help in that manner, or know who does. Many cancer centres have a list of social workers that are covered through insurance (and in Canada by your provincial health coverage).
I'm sure there's lots of other ideas and methods to help. Try to remember to take it one step at a time, one chemo at a time, one treatment at a time. You are still yourself, you are not your cancer.
Forgive yourself for having cancer.
I know this seems like a silly thing to say but one of the first things most think about, after the shock of the fact they have cancer, is to question "Why?". No matter if it is genetic, something you encountered in your past, because you turned left and not right as the moon rose in the night sky, you are not being punished, you are not being singled out, you are not at fault. Sometimes "bad" things just happen. And, it may be hard to see now, but there is a chance that you will find a lot good throughout the experience.
Find the sexy in your new body.
A lot of treatments can lead to scars, indents in your body, or missing parts. This was deemed necessary by your counsel of doctors/physicians, but that doesn't make the end result any less hard to live with. Your body has been altered. You are not the "you" that you had come to see day in and day out for all the previous days of your life. As an adult you may find that you feel less attractive, you are scared to show this part of you, and your reflection is an ever present reminder of being diagnosed. You may need a lot of time and solitude to find the acceptance you need to see that scar as a victory, see that missing piece of you as part of life and not a damnation. If you already have a partner, talk with them about how your new body makes you feel. If you do not have a partner, you must come to your own conclusion to when you want to tell prospective loved ones of your journey. Fear of rejection is something we encounter whenever we share something intimate, like having (had) cancer. Just remember if they cannot accept that part of your life, they don't deserve you. No matter what love yourself and treat yourself with respect, don't accept anything less from someone else.
Cut the stress ties.
You have enough on your mind, if someone or something is only a source of stress, sever the connection. Some will be so kind as to cut the ties themselves, making you feel abandoned. It hurts to admit it, but some people are only fair-weather friends and do not care for you as deeply as you care for them. This is almost more difficult to deal with than your sexual identity and the blame that you place on yourself for having cancer. You need companionship, it helps with fighting the feeling of isolation you may encounter. Having people berate, belittle, abuse you will not help you, even if you did not have cancer. Hold those that love you close, say goodbye to those that cannot find it in themselves to cherish you.
Take a Cancer Vacation.
You may say this is a ridiculous notion but hear me out. Your mind needs a break, it needs down time, just like your body needs a rest between treatments. So, either during the before mentioned breaks or after treatment is completed, take a vacation from your cancer, even if only for a day. Find some friends that you can party with that know you just need a day to be you and not the cancer patient. Run away by yourself for a relaxing time, lock yourself in a spa and forget about hospitals for a day. Hide away with the family in a hotel and just enjoy each other with no IV's, surgeons, or cancer ribbons in sight. Try to take as much time as you can, but at least get 24 hours under your belt to help rejuvenate your mind.
Find someone you can talk cancer to.
Doctors do not count here (unless the are survivors themselves). Find someone that has (had) cancer and can relate to your situation. They may not have (had) the same cancer, they may have (had) the same type but different treatments, it doesn't matter. You need someone that can fully understand you. Someone that understands what it feels like to have cancer put their life on hold. You may find someone outside of an organization, or you may seek out a support group. There's also organizations that hold retreats and conferences like Young Adult Cancer Canada. Seek out a "cancer buddy". Not only will your mental state benefit from this but it will give your loved ones a break from constant cancer talk. They love you but need a break from cancer, too.
Get a pro.
When it comes down to it, you are going through a mentally straining situation. Find a social worker or psychologist that can make sure your mental health is going in the right direction. *This is not being weak*, this is being smart. Friends and family are great, cancer buddies can give you advice, but when it comes down to it, you need someone that is a professional and has experience helping those going through cancer. If you are having financial difficulties, these people may have groups/resources to help in that manner, or know who does. Many cancer centres have a list of social workers that are covered through insurance (and in Canada by your provincial health coverage).
I'm sure there's lots of other ideas and methods to help. Try to remember to take it one step at a time, one chemo at a time, one treatment at a time. You are still yourself, you are not your cancer.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
The Art of Happiness
Why is it that I am at my most content when I am painting or creating something for someone? I love to paint and draw, create images on the computer, etc, and I'm trying very hard to get time to do this once more. Injuries do not always allow me the luxury of sitting in one area long enough to complete a work like I once could. This is a slight deterrent for me. But I am trying. My son seems to love creating as much as I do, he insisted on "helping mommy paint" so I grabbed a blank canvas, gave him a paint brush, and my only assistance was pouring the paint out so he could get it on his brush. At one point he even turned to me (he was sitting on my lap), and said, "Mommy, you lay down, I paint, now." This was his way of telling me he was going to paint on his own, with no assistance. I asked if I could still pour out the paint, and that, he said, was okay. He's only 3 years old. He was extremely proud of his painting once it was complete. As was I.
But this brings me back to my point, because my son told me his painting was for mommy. He did not create it and feel proud because he had accomplished something, he was proud because he made me a gift. This is how I feel. I know many artists berate others for "giving away" their art, and yes I like money, but I love the sense of giving something to others, especially if I created it. Is it simply from our childhood when a macaroni painting would be accepted from our guardians as though it was a replica of the Mona Lisa? Is it from when our finger paintings and rough drawings of the imaginings of our heads seemed to overwhelm them like seeing the Northern Lights in person? I cannot say.
I would love to have enough money, time, and health to simply dive into all the artwork in my head and simply leave it on the intended person's doorstep, hiding in the bushes to see their reaction as they receive it. That would be enough. I guess that's why I have a hard time putting a price on my art. Value of art is never set in a monetary state. It's in smiles, giggles, and tears.
But this brings me back to my point, because my son told me his painting was for mommy. He did not create it and feel proud because he had accomplished something, he was proud because he made me a gift. This is how I feel. I know many artists berate others for "giving away" their art, and yes I like money, but I love the sense of giving something to others, especially if I created it. Is it simply from our childhood when a macaroni painting would be accepted from our guardians as though it was a replica of the Mona Lisa? Is it from when our finger paintings and rough drawings of the imaginings of our heads seemed to overwhelm them like seeing the Northern Lights in person? I cannot say.
I would love to have enough money, time, and health to simply dive into all the artwork in my head and simply leave it on the intended person's doorstep, hiding in the bushes to see their reaction as they receive it. That would be enough. I guess that's why I have a hard time putting a price on my art. Value of art is never set in a monetary state. It's in smiles, giggles, and tears.
Thursday, 21 February 2013
Benefits to having Cancer: Part Two
You will feel important with your new "entourage". Only they're not wealthy friends and followers, they're your gp, oncologist, radiation oncologist, surgeon, plastic surgeon, social worker, and as many nurses as the day is long.
Your period will be booted out for an indefinite amount of time. Thus you will save even more $ with not having to purchase maxi pads or tampons.
If you don't understand medical terms you will rival most doctors by the time you finish treatment.
You feel like a superhero with an alter ego with all the wigs in your repertoire.
The opportunity to have that boob size you always wanted is now courtesy of your health care. Be as boobilicious as you like!
If you are able to ever have children again, you don't have to worry about lactating and expensive maternity bras!
You can impress all your geek friends with how remarkable your Darth Sidious costume looks! (No makeup required! Just a black cloak)
:)
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