Wednesday, 23 November 2011


I'm getting annoyed, as if that's anything new.  What's got me this time?  People asking "so is it over?" or "you must be anxious for all this to be over."  Well, the answer to both is, quite frankly, no.  Even after I have my new breasts, even after 5 years of no reoccurrences, I will always have cancer on my mind.  Do people realize what they are saying?

I was supposed to be a low risk for breast cancer.  No real family history, typically healthy, never smoked/did drugs, or any of that crap, but guess what.  Found a lump at 28, had it diagnosed at 29.  I'm 30 and I'm going to be lucky to get my reconstruction done before I turn 31.  Now if I make it to that point without anything going wrong, I will still be questioning every ache and pain.  Is that sudden pain in my arm just strain or is it cancer making its way to my bones.  Is that headache just a part of the headaches I've been subject to since the car accident or did the cancer come back and metastasize?  And until I get the surgery: is that twinge of pain just nerves or is the cancer in the other breast now?..  Will I need to start all over again?

So, yes, this chapter may soon be over, but the entire "cancer experience" is never ending.  It's not the chicken pox that once it's gone, it's gone.  It's a vicious mutation that is endangering my life and we have no way to tell if they did kill everything and anything that may have left the lymphnodes that were active before chemo.  Part of why they don't know what stage I was.  Maybe stage 3, maybe stage 4.  They can't say.  I'll only know if a scan one day lights up with cancer.

It's a bleak thought but I'd rather be here wondering than not here at all.

Now, on a lighter note:

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