Weight It Out

Of course one of the big hiccups in my life, even more so than cancer, has been the injuries from the MVA years ago.  One thing that has been a big factor in is weight management.  During my pregnancy with my daughter I had hoped I'd somehow find that niche that would allow me to maintain my weight and not gain a significant amount.  Some mothers can do this, even without turning to unhealthy habits like smoking.  Just keeping active and eating as well as you can is what everyone recommends.  That'd be fine for anyone without my injuries, but still I did my best.

Unfortunately, my best turned out to be the same as when I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Some would say to not sweat it, that with time it will come off, but with me, extra weight seems to mean my back is carrying more, therefore hurts more.  So I stick with what exercises I have been given from physio, do what low impact ones I know do not bother my back, and so forth.  This does make it a slow process.

I try to remind myself that it took me almost two and a half years to lose the weight after my son.  I had finally been reaching a healthy weight for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  That is my goal, a healthy weight.  I'm not aiming for unrealistic or sickly sizes.  I would be a stick figure if I was able to wear a size 2 pair of jeans.  Honestly, if I could even get within a size or two of what I wore when I was fit, I'd be content.

Many may say it is a quest for vanity, to be society's idea of pretty.  I'm not looking at that, however, I'm looking at my health.  Less weight and stronger muscles means potential less pain for me.  It means potential increases in play time with my kids.  It means possible health risks for the overweight may be avoided.  Don't get me wrong, with new, perky breasts on the way, a fit body would be fun and I will enjoy it, but it is not the sole reason by far.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you have extra weight, do what you and your body can.  If you cannot run, walk.  If you cannot walk, try biking.  If you cannot bike, try something new.  Getting up and walking around the couch will not get you far, but you are lapping everyone still sitting down.

Reconstruction update

I've met with my plastic surgeon and I am now greedily awaiting my date for the *hopefully* final surgery.  After this trip to the OR, the plan is to have two permanent implants, fully touched up skin, and begin the healing process.

I must say something that may surprise a few people.  Getting to deal with cancer has given me something to look forward to.  After the accident, losing some of my mobility/abilities, things were feeling very bleak.  Being able to have something to fight, something to see an end to, has helped me.  Yes, having cancer is horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I've been able to use it to my advantage.

I will not be getting nipples added to my new breasts, I have been very adamant on this from the start.  I will be designing a tattoo to cover my chest.  It holds more meaning to me, and is more my personality than to go through the process to have nipples, again.  Most women are constantly trying to hide the fact that they have erect nipples, I cannot see why I would want to get permanently erect nipples added.  The other option for non-pointy breasts is to get 3D tattoos of nipples.  This isn't in my cards, either.  Despite the fact that many tattoo shops in Halifax area will do these tattooed nipples for free, I would rather something more creative.

More updates as they come.  Enjoy the summer!

Admission of Darkness

I honestly cannot remember if I mentioned this earlier or not, but I've been living with something for a while and never found a way to fully admit it. I've had depression, or at least the specialists are calling it "depressive symptoms".

The fact is since the accident I've been trying to come to terms with my limitations. To say it's hard is an understatement. I went from being completely independent to needing help for what I feel are the simplest things. It's humiliating, really. I'm in my early thirties and need help with getting groceries, caring for my kids, taking care of the house, even driving at times. It opened a door to a misty world. In that world I could see the joy that would happen but the chill of the mist always touched me, always enveloped me.

After finally talking openly about it, I started medication. My friends, family, even specialists are seeing a difference in me. I'm lucky that this first medication seems to be helping without any side effects.

I'm posting this because I want people to know you don't normally know you are getting depressed. The only way to even start realizing out is to evaluate your own behavior in the past. I noticed I was "hiding" from social media, I was avoiding friends, my favorite activities were no longer stimulating, I had even been avoiding sex. My hope is that reading this may reveal a mirror so you can reflect on your own past. If you see that you have been regularly avoiding things or people you love that you talk to your doctor, see a specialist, something. I know for me it was hard to make the appointment, that was part of my depressive symptoms, I had a hard time talking about it, it took a lot to say anything.

I think I'm on the mend, mentally, finally, but only time will tell.