I've met with my plastic surgeon and I am now greedily awaiting my date for the *hopefully* final surgery. After this trip to the OR, the plan is to have two permanent implants, fully touched up skin, and begin the healing process.
I must say something that may surprise a few people. Getting to deal with cancer has given me something to look forward to. After the accident, losing some of my mobility/abilities, things were feeling very bleak. Being able to have something to fight, something to see an end to, has helped me. Yes, having cancer is horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I've been able to use it to my advantage.
I will not be getting nipples added to my new breasts, I have been very adamant on this from the start. I will be designing a tattoo to cover my chest. It holds more meaning to me, and is more my personality than to go through the process to have nipples, again. Most women are constantly trying to hide the fact that they have erect nipples, I cannot see why I would want to get permanently erect nipples added. The other option for non-pointy breasts is to get 3D tattoos of nipples. This isn't in my cards, either. Despite the fact that many tattoo shops in Halifax area will do these tattooed nipples for free, I would rather something more creative.
More updates as they come. Enjoy the summer!
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Admission of Darkness
I honestly cannot remember if I mentioned this earlier or not, but I've been living with something for a while and never found a way to fully admit it. I've had depression, or at least the specialists are calling it "depressive symptoms".
The fact is since the accident I've been trying to come to terms with my limitations. To say it's hard is an understatement. I went from being completely independent to needing help for what I feel are the simplest things. It's humiliating, really. I'm in my early thirties and need help with getting groceries, caring for my kids, taking care of the house, even driving at times. It opened a door to a misty world. In that world I could see the joy that would happen but the chill of the mist always touched me, always enveloped me.
After finally talking openly about it, I started medication. My friends, family, even specialists are seeing a difference in me. I'm lucky that this first medication seems to be helping without any side effects.
I'm posting this because I want people to know you don't normally know you are getting depressed. The only way to even start realizing out is to evaluate your own behavior in the past. I noticed I was "hiding" from social media, I was avoiding friends, my favorite activities were no longer stimulating, I had even been avoiding sex. My hope is that reading this may reveal a mirror so you can reflect on your own past. If you see that you have been regularly avoiding things or people you love that you talk to your doctor, see a specialist, something. I know for me it was hard to make the appointment, that was part of my depressive symptoms, I had a hard time talking about it, it took a lot to say anything.
I think I'm on the mend, mentally, finally, but only time will tell.
Tuesday, 17 June 2014
Disability Dolour
My initial realization that I would have issues with my physical abilities for the rest of my life coloured my vision bleakly. I saw all the things I would never be able to do, all the the negative things I could become. Would I become obese, extravagantly overweight because it is painful to workout? How could I play with my children if I'm always in pain? How can I care for the house if even the mildest of activities brings on agonizing pain? Experts try to tell you to focus on what you can do, but when the list of what you can do pain free has now diminished to something that could fit on a post-it note, your outlook on the future changes.
Something I didn't expect to be so affected was travel. Driving has been diminished greatly, but I never factored in how flying and travel outside of my province would increase my pain. One thing I never thought of: what if a hotel has no baths? Honestly, what hotel does away with a bathtub and only installs showers?? (Save one "accessible" room. Only ONE in an 8 floor hotel.) Radisson on Queens Quay in Toronto did. I got to see how much I rely on the pain management I get from being able to soak in a hot bath. I was still in pain for days once I returned home. Now that I have back issues (and when I say back I include my shoulder. When you "lay on your back" your shoulders are not excluded) I have to start calling up the expected hotel and demand a room with a bathtub. Really???
Know what I'm extremely tired of, however? I mean mentally and physically tired of. Having to "prove" my pain. I've seen how many specialists, physiotherapists, etc, and all of them tell me I'm stuck like this. The insurance companies and lawyers see my records and say: "Go see this new impartial specialist that we hired so we can try to find some sliver of hope that you improved and cannot be considered disabled" "Go see another physiotherapist that will say the same thing but maybe will have a new approach that will miraculously heal you" "Why aren't you seeking therapies that cost you hundreds of dollars monthly so you can feel better-ish?"
Well, let's see... Every time I go to a new "impartial" specialist, I have to plan care for my kids/home for the day or two after the appointment because the pain doesn't stop the second I leave their office, I'm in agony for 24+ hours. Forgive me for getting frustrated with your concept of "it's only for a couple hours" or that the pain doesn't affect anything after I leave. NEXT, no specialist/therapist has seen any chance of this repairing itself, no pill/injection has taken away the pain, and surgery is NOT an option. And, now for my favorite: money. We're paying our bills, staying afloat. I cannot work. I can't just go out and get a job, even a part time job, to help compensate the extra "hundreds of dollars" that I would need to get more therapies that are not covered by MSI. Behold the catch 22! If you want to feel better you need money! If you need money you need to work! I cannot work because it causes so much pain I cannot do the simplest of activities at home! I have pain that makes it hard to concentrate, think, process, but to outsiders "it's just nerve pain".
I'm trying to accept what I can do. I'm trying to not feel like I'm useless since it hurts to do anything basic. I'm trying to deal with the hateful glares when people see me use a disabled parking spot. I'm trying. That doesn't mean it will not make me feel shriveled up inside, a ghost of the person I was once capable of being. A shadow of the abilities I once possessed.
Something I didn't expect to be so affected was travel. Driving has been diminished greatly, but I never factored in how flying and travel outside of my province would increase my pain. One thing I never thought of: what if a hotel has no baths? Honestly, what hotel does away with a bathtub and only installs showers?? (Save one "accessible" room. Only ONE in an 8 floor hotel.) Radisson on Queens Quay in Toronto did. I got to see how much I rely on the pain management I get from being able to soak in a hot bath. I was still in pain for days once I returned home. Now that I have back issues (and when I say back I include my shoulder. When you "lay on your back" your shoulders are not excluded) I have to start calling up the expected hotel and demand a room with a bathtub. Really???
Know what I'm extremely tired of, however? I mean mentally and physically tired of. Having to "prove" my pain. I've seen how many specialists, physiotherapists, etc, and all of them tell me I'm stuck like this. The insurance companies and lawyers see my records and say: "Go see this new impartial specialist that we hired so we can try to find some sliver of hope that you improved and cannot be considered disabled" "Go see another physiotherapist that will say the same thing but maybe will have a new approach that will miraculously heal you" "Why aren't you seeking therapies that cost you hundreds of dollars monthly so you can feel better-ish?"
Well, let's see... Every time I go to a new "impartial" specialist, I have to plan care for my kids/home for the day or two after the appointment because the pain doesn't stop the second I leave their office, I'm in agony for 24+ hours. Forgive me for getting frustrated with your concept of "it's only for a couple hours" or that the pain doesn't affect anything after I leave. NEXT, no specialist/therapist has seen any chance of this repairing itself, no pill/injection has taken away the pain, and surgery is NOT an option. And, now for my favorite: money. We're paying our bills, staying afloat. I cannot work. I can't just go out and get a job, even a part time job, to help compensate the extra "hundreds of dollars" that I would need to get more therapies that are not covered by MSI. Behold the catch 22! If you want to feel better you need money! If you need money you need to work! I cannot work because it causes so much pain I cannot do the simplest of activities at home! I have pain that makes it hard to concentrate, think, process, but to outsiders "it's just nerve pain".
I'm trying to accept what I can do. I'm trying to not feel like I'm useless since it hurts to do anything basic. I'm trying to deal with the hateful glares when people see me use a disabled parking spot. I'm trying. That doesn't mean it will not make me feel shriveled up inside, a ghost of the person I was once capable of being. A shadow of the abilities I once possessed.
Monday, 21 April 2014
Hoppy Easter - Renewal
Whether you celebrate Easter in the Christian sense or the magical Peter Rabbit sense, Easter is a time of renewal. It is a time to shed the past, look to the future, and live in the present. Spring has come to most of us (even in Canada), and this is, itself, the rebirth of the seasons.
If you are Christian, you see it as the celebration of Jesus Christ exiting his tomb, validating his claims all the more, giving weight to his promise of paradise, and belief to his Father. He started a new chapter in religions, he created Christianity that day, bringing the well know verses:
If you are Christian, you see it as the celebration of Jesus Christ exiting his tomb, validating his claims all the more, giving weight to his promise of paradise, and belief to his Father. He started a new chapter in religions, he created Christianity that day, bringing the well know verses:
15 That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. (John 3:15-17)
For those that are in it for the chocolate, that bunny is surrounded by symbols of beginning: eggs, chicks, flowers, nests, and more. Granted most are carved from candy and devoured like you were starved for a week straight.
Even if you do not celebrate either of these, rebirth and renewal is surrounding you. The skies deepen their blue, the grass begins to grow and green, trees bud, roots stretch, and babies are prepared for in every corner of the earth.
Some of us will not be looking at the outdoors and thinking, "It's time to start, again." Some will be wondering why things must end. Why must things be taken from us, much the way that winter steals the growth. But, it is through this way that renewal may come. Through loss, no matter how tragic and senseless, we find new paths, new friendships, new perspectives that would never be seen if we did not first lose. I do not want to take away from the fact that the tragedy occurred, but ask for those grieving and questioning fairness or justice to find their time to lament, and let themselves find their renewal, their rebirth. Be the phoenix rising from the flames. Be the joy from despair.
16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. (John 3:15-17)
For those that are in it for the chocolate, that bunny is surrounded by symbols of beginning: eggs, chicks, flowers, nests, and more. Granted most are carved from candy and devoured like you were starved for a week straight.
Even if you do not celebrate either of these, rebirth and renewal is surrounding you. The skies deepen their blue, the grass begins to grow and green, trees bud, roots stretch, and babies are prepared for in every corner of the earth.
Some of us will not be looking at the outdoors and thinking, "It's time to start, again." Some will be wondering why things must end. Why must things be taken from us, much the way that winter steals the growth. But, it is through this way that renewal may come. Through loss, no matter how tragic and senseless, we find new paths, new friendships, new perspectives that would never be seen if we did not first lose. I do not want to take away from the fact that the tragedy occurred, but ask for those grieving and questioning fairness or justice to find their time to lament, and let themselves find their renewal, their rebirth. Be the phoenix rising from the flames. Be the joy from despair.
Thursday, 16 January 2014
"Just let me know what I can do"
I'm guilty of this, I'll say that first. I want to talk about being on the other side of the fence for the start of this post, being the one that isn't sick, hurt, healing, or what have you. You see someone you care about in a bit of a spot. You want to help, but don't want to overstep any boundaries, and you honestly don't know what they could use. What you say? "Let me know of there's anything you need." Or, "tell me if there is anything I can do". They will say thanks but few ever reply what help they require. I'm guilty of both sides, actually.
Being the injured/healing person, you may be afraid to ask too much of a friend/family member. You may not realize what you need till it is too late to ask. Because of this I want to list a couple things to help fight this cycle.
For the friends/family:
· Make suggestions of ways you are willing to help.
Good examples include:
*offer to make a casserole/dinner dish that can be easily heated in an oven or crock pot so eating well is not difficult at home.
*be a ride to appointments, to get groceries, or to even just get out of the house.
*bring edible food to the hospital.
*watch their children in their home or yours so they can rest.
*take their children to a park or play site so they can play without interrupting the parent resting.
*bring them a tea/coffee and just chat about something other than their ailment. Sometimes people just want to forget about their extraordinary circumstances and just talk about anything else, even the weather!
· Make contact
Sometimes all the person wants is to know they're thought of and loved, so text them, call them, im, tweet, email, or Facebook them. This is when you can open the forum to what you are able/willing to do for them, and maybe it will be just that they want to talk, but just show them they're worth the effort.
· Follow through.
No matter what, if you promise something, do it. No half assing either. If the roles were reversed, you would want to know you can count on people to keep their word.
For the ones healing/sick:
· Be honest.
If someone does ask the ambiguous question of if there is any way they can help, list ideas. You can tell them they are not obligated to do anything, but these are areas you could use some support. They cared enough to ask, respect your position and accept sincere assistance.
· Make some options available.
If you really need help, make it known. If you have Facebook, post a list of ways people can help if they would like to. If anyone frowns on you doing this, they are not worth your time. Society has made people think it is taboo to be need help and to ask for it. The fact is no one can make it through life alone, sometimes we need to lean on someone stronger than our present self. It is okay to admit you need help.
· Be grateful.
If someone does something to help you, thank them. You can do so verbally, electronically, with kind gestures (hugs, thank you cards, or flowers, for example), and/or offering to return the favour in the future. Some people may be going out of their way to help you, no matter how small their assistance, show your gratitude for their support.
Sunday, 13 October 2013
Happy Thanksgiving 2013
From Canada: Happy Thanksgiving, once again. A time to count your blessings and lucky stars, eat turkey, ham, or whatever your family prefers, and to tolerate your family as you are all herded into the same livingroom/kitchen for the day. :)
I send my best wishes to one and all along with a few of my many reasons to be thankful:
I send my best wishes to one and all along with a few of my many reasons to be thankful:
- I have two healthy, wonderful children
- I have a great husband (the type that lets his wife sleep in and gets up with the baby and toddler)
- I am close to my family
- I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboards
- I am in a country where hearing I had cancer was not a death sentence because I may not have been able to afford the treatments
- I may be physically disabled, but I still have some abilities
- I have good friends that love me for who I am
- I am alive (f**k you, cancer!)
So enjoy your weekend, supper, and life!
Sunday, 1 September 2013
Mentally Surviving Cancer
Anyone that has found out they have cancer knows that not only are you going to be fighting the cancer in your body, but you will also be fighting a mental battle. There will be a lot of thoughts and ways you view yourself that will threaten to bring you to a state of unbalance, anger, and depression. Here's some thoughts from me to help with the post diagnosis time of your life:
Forgive yourself for having cancer.
I know this seems like a silly thing to say but one of the first things most think about, after the shock of the fact they have cancer, is to question "Why?". No matter if it is genetic, something you encountered in your past, because you turned left and not right as the moon rose in the night sky, you are not being punished, you are not being singled out, you are not at fault. Sometimes "bad" things just happen. And, it may be hard to see now, but there is a chance that you will find a lot good throughout the experience.
Find the sexy in your new body.
A lot of treatments can lead to scars, indents in your body, or missing parts. This was deemed necessary by your counsel of doctors/physicians, but that doesn't make the end result any less hard to live with. Your body has been altered. You are not the "you" that you had come to see day in and day out for all the previous days of your life. As an adult you may find that you feel less attractive, you are scared to show this part of you, and your reflection is an ever present reminder of being diagnosed. You may need a lot of time and solitude to find the acceptance you need to see that scar as a victory, see that missing piece of you as part of life and not a damnation. If you already have a partner, talk with them about how your new body makes you feel. If you do not have a partner, you must come to your own conclusion to when you want to tell prospective loved ones of your journey. Fear of rejection is something we encounter whenever we share something intimate, like having (had) cancer. Just remember if they cannot accept that part of your life, they don't deserve you. No matter what love yourself and treat yourself with respect, don't accept anything less from someone else.
Cut the stress ties.
You have enough on your mind, if someone or something is only a source of stress, sever the connection. Some will be so kind as to cut the ties themselves, making you feel abandoned. It hurts to admit it, but some people are only fair-weather friends and do not care for you as deeply as you care for them. This is almost more difficult to deal with than your sexual identity and the blame that you place on yourself for having cancer. You need companionship, it helps with fighting the feeling of isolation you may encounter. Having people berate, belittle, abuse you will not help you, even if you did not have cancer. Hold those that love you close, say goodbye to those that cannot find it in themselves to cherish you.
Take a Cancer Vacation.
You may say this is a ridiculous notion but hear me out. Your mind needs a break, it needs down time, just like your body needs a rest between treatments. So, either during the before mentioned breaks or after treatment is completed, take a vacation from your cancer, even if only for a day. Find some friends that you can party with that know you just need a day to be you and not the cancer patient. Run away by yourself for a relaxing time, lock yourself in a spa and forget about hospitals for a day. Hide away with the family in a hotel and just enjoy each other with no IV's, surgeons, or cancer ribbons in sight. Try to take as much time as you can, but at least get 24 hours under your belt to help rejuvenate your mind.
Find someone you can talk cancer to.
Doctors do not count here (unless the are survivors themselves). Find someone that has (had) cancer and can relate to your situation. They may not have (had) the same cancer, they may have (had) the same type but different treatments, it doesn't matter. You need someone that can fully understand you. Someone that understands what it feels like to have cancer put their life on hold. You may find someone outside of an organization, or you may seek out a support group. There's also organizations that hold retreats and conferences like Young Adult Cancer Canada. Seek out a "cancer buddy". Not only will your mental state benefit from this but it will give your loved ones a break from constant cancer talk. They love you but need a break from cancer, too.
Get a pro.
When it comes down to it, you are going through a mentally straining situation. Find a social worker or psychologist that can make sure your mental health is going in the right direction. *This is not being weak*, this is being smart. Friends and family are great, cancer buddies can give you advice, but when it comes down to it, you need someone that is a professional and has experience helping those going through cancer. If you are having financial difficulties, these people may have groups/resources to help in that manner, or know who does. Many cancer centres have a list of social workers that are covered through insurance (and in Canada by your provincial health coverage).
I'm sure there's lots of other ideas and methods to help. Try to remember to take it one step at a time, one chemo at a time, one treatment at a time. You are still yourself, you are not your cancer.
Forgive yourself for having cancer.
I know this seems like a silly thing to say but one of the first things most think about, after the shock of the fact they have cancer, is to question "Why?". No matter if it is genetic, something you encountered in your past, because you turned left and not right as the moon rose in the night sky, you are not being punished, you are not being singled out, you are not at fault. Sometimes "bad" things just happen. And, it may be hard to see now, but there is a chance that you will find a lot good throughout the experience.
Find the sexy in your new body.
A lot of treatments can lead to scars, indents in your body, or missing parts. This was deemed necessary by your counsel of doctors/physicians, but that doesn't make the end result any less hard to live with. Your body has been altered. You are not the "you" that you had come to see day in and day out for all the previous days of your life. As an adult you may find that you feel less attractive, you are scared to show this part of you, and your reflection is an ever present reminder of being diagnosed. You may need a lot of time and solitude to find the acceptance you need to see that scar as a victory, see that missing piece of you as part of life and not a damnation. If you already have a partner, talk with them about how your new body makes you feel. If you do not have a partner, you must come to your own conclusion to when you want to tell prospective loved ones of your journey. Fear of rejection is something we encounter whenever we share something intimate, like having (had) cancer. Just remember if they cannot accept that part of your life, they don't deserve you. No matter what love yourself and treat yourself with respect, don't accept anything less from someone else.
Cut the stress ties.
You have enough on your mind, if someone or something is only a source of stress, sever the connection. Some will be so kind as to cut the ties themselves, making you feel abandoned. It hurts to admit it, but some people are only fair-weather friends and do not care for you as deeply as you care for them. This is almost more difficult to deal with than your sexual identity and the blame that you place on yourself for having cancer. You need companionship, it helps with fighting the feeling of isolation you may encounter. Having people berate, belittle, abuse you will not help you, even if you did not have cancer. Hold those that love you close, say goodbye to those that cannot find it in themselves to cherish you.
Take a Cancer Vacation.
You may say this is a ridiculous notion but hear me out. Your mind needs a break, it needs down time, just like your body needs a rest between treatments. So, either during the before mentioned breaks or after treatment is completed, take a vacation from your cancer, even if only for a day. Find some friends that you can party with that know you just need a day to be you and not the cancer patient. Run away by yourself for a relaxing time, lock yourself in a spa and forget about hospitals for a day. Hide away with the family in a hotel and just enjoy each other with no IV's, surgeons, or cancer ribbons in sight. Try to take as much time as you can, but at least get 24 hours under your belt to help rejuvenate your mind.
Find someone you can talk cancer to.
Doctors do not count here (unless the are survivors themselves). Find someone that has (had) cancer and can relate to your situation. They may not have (had) the same cancer, they may have (had) the same type but different treatments, it doesn't matter. You need someone that can fully understand you. Someone that understands what it feels like to have cancer put their life on hold. You may find someone outside of an organization, or you may seek out a support group. There's also organizations that hold retreats and conferences like Young Adult Cancer Canada. Seek out a "cancer buddy". Not only will your mental state benefit from this but it will give your loved ones a break from constant cancer talk. They love you but need a break from cancer, too.
Get a pro.
When it comes down to it, you are going through a mentally straining situation. Find a social worker or psychologist that can make sure your mental health is going in the right direction. *This is not being weak*, this is being smart. Friends and family are great, cancer buddies can give you advice, but when it comes down to it, you need someone that is a professional and has experience helping those going through cancer. If you are having financial difficulties, these people may have groups/resources to help in that manner, or know who does. Many cancer centres have a list of social workers that are covered through insurance (and in Canada by your provincial health coverage).
I'm sure there's lots of other ideas and methods to help. Try to remember to take it one step at a time, one chemo at a time, one treatment at a time. You are still yourself, you are not your cancer.
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