I need to start this rant off with first saying, I am very happy for those that have been able to get pregnant and carry their beautiful baby to term.
That being said...
I find myself very, very upset at the abundance of pregnancy photos, fetus talk, and baby growth updates that keep popping up on my facebook newsfeed. Yes, as I said, I am happy for my friends and their loved ones, but it's a kick in the face when I get reminded that there's a good chance that I will not be able to have any more children. I might have gotten my periods back, but there's still a chance that my eggs did get hurt or destroyed in chemo treatments. And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant I will always, always wonder if the chemo could have injured the egg somehow that will effect the child later in life.
I have friends that cannot get pregnant, cannot carry a child, and some that are just finding out that they need their ovaries removed. I can only imagine the pain they hold in their hearts every time they see pictures of children or the "pregnancy log" photos that are splattered on the web these days. And, again, I don't want those that are going through this cherished time to think I'm attacking them, this is a vent session. This is something that cancer may have taken from me, and as a young woman, it hurts my heart a lot. I love having my son and always intended to have at least one more child. But now with the length of time I need to wait to try again, and after all the horror stories of how cancer treatments can affect your reproductive parts/cycles, it just so disheartening.
Hopefully, I will be able to have at least one more baby. And, hopefully they will be completely healthy and happy. But until then, don't be surprised if you do not see me posting on many of your weekly/daily updates on your fetus' progress. It's not that I don't support you, it's that my heart hurts too much to try to be the support you need to hear. I'm angry at the cancer, not you or your baby.
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Thankful on Turkey Day
This is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. We will be roasting turkeys, cooking up veggies, baking up desserts, and enjoying the company of family and friends, if we are of the lucky ones that can.
I am thankful to be here, with my son and husband. Thankful Mike is not sailing or duty this weekend, thankful our families are close, thankful we have warm shelter, food, and clothes. Things never work out exactly how you expect them to, but God has a way of giving you exactly what you need when you need it.
A shout out to those who are not so fortunate at this time: their families are split to keep our country and other countries safe (be supportive of them and their families!), they have no money or food and need help (donate to the Food Bank and local charities if you can!!), and those with no shelter or warm clothes (donate your used items to help them year round!). We are all in this together. There's only one Earth, she's all we have. Share her with each other and every living creature blessed to be on her.
I am thankful to be here, with my son and husband. Thankful Mike is not sailing or duty this weekend, thankful our families are close, thankful we have warm shelter, food, and clothes. Things never work out exactly how you expect them to, but God has a way of giving you exactly what you need when you need it.
A shout out to those who are not so fortunate at this time: their families are split to keep our country and other countries safe (be supportive of them and their families!), they have no money or food and need help (donate to the Food Bank and local charities if you can!!), and those with no shelter or warm clothes (donate your used items to help them year round!). We are all in this together. There's only one Earth, she's all we have. Share her with each other and every living creature blessed to be on her.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Eyebrows
Going to see 50/50 I didn't know what to expect. Would they "hollywood" the cancer experience? Would they make it a traumatic experience? There was a lot of old emotions and thoughts stirred with watching the character "Adam" experiencing the life of cancer as a young adult. One thing I got really picky on was that he kept his eyebrows through out his treatment. I know we don't all loose our hair, but it seemed to be that they were conveying that he did.. but kept his eyebrows magically.
The feelings of not knowing how to express what you're feeling inside and the frustration that engulfs you is completely true. One sentence in the movie is the one sentence you will repeat over and over and over again, I just want it to be finished. You want to be able to continue with your life. You want to be independent like before, you want to be free of appointments, treatments, checkups, medications... You want to be a regular young adult for one more day at least.
One thing that I could not relate with was the rapidity that Adam seemed to gain his self image after surgery. My hair is still short and wild, my chest is vacant one breast, and my calendar keeps filling with doctor appointments. I look in the mirror and I don't see Julie, I still see some lion-esk monster with a very lopsided chest. I'm there somewhere, I think... well I am as long as I do not look in the mirror...
Scene that I most related to was when Adam was waiting for his girlfriend to pick him up after chemo. You have the camera pan out after he assures his new "chemo buddies" he'll be fine and all you see is Adam, alone, hiding everything inside him. You feel the need to be strong and don't want to show "weakness" aka emotions like sadness and anger. I was him, standing there looking at the people that you reassure as you feel like you are the only person around for miles. As Adam later battles the steering wheel and the moment in the hospital before the surgery are other relatable moments, as well.
It was a good movie. I don't know if someone that has not been touched by the decease can fully appreciate it but they can get a glimpse into their friends/families experience. If you have someone that went through this, it'd be a good one to take them to see. But be prepared for them to cry, show frustration, and even hold their breath at moments that they have trigger their past. And not everyone is up to reliving those experiences right away. Don't pressure anyone to see it, it is very hard to take at moments, being a survivor.
Overall not a bad movie, good acting, I just think they could have delved a bit more into what it's like to be the only young person going to treatment and oncologist appointments, and the question of fertility after treatment. It hints at isolation, but it's like a car driving by at night, you get the flash of their headlights for a moment, but just as quick as it fills the room with its presence it's gone. Unfortunately, with being a young adult going through cancer, isolation is not that fleeting.
The feelings of not knowing how to express what you're feeling inside and the frustration that engulfs you is completely true. One sentence in the movie is the one sentence you will repeat over and over and over again, I just want it to be finished. You want to be able to continue with your life. You want to be independent like before, you want to be free of appointments, treatments, checkups, medications... You want to be a regular young adult for one more day at least.
One thing that I could not relate with was the rapidity that Adam seemed to gain his self image after surgery. My hair is still short and wild, my chest is vacant one breast, and my calendar keeps filling with doctor appointments. I look in the mirror and I don't see Julie, I still see some lion-esk monster with a very lopsided chest. I'm there somewhere, I think... well I am as long as I do not look in the mirror...
Scene that I most related to was when Adam was waiting for his girlfriend to pick him up after chemo. You have the camera pan out after he assures his new "chemo buddies" he'll be fine and all you see is Adam, alone, hiding everything inside him. You feel the need to be strong and don't want to show "weakness" aka emotions like sadness and anger. I was him, standing there looking at the people that you reassure as you feel like you are the only person around for miles. As Adam later battles the steering wheel and the moment in the hospital before the surgery are other relatable moments, as well.
It was a good movie. I don't know if someone that has not been touched by the decease can fully appreciate it but they can get a glimpse into their friends/families experience. If you have someone that went through this, it'd be a good one to take them to see. But be prepared for them to cry, show frustration, and even hold their breath at moments that they have trigger their past. And not everyone is up to reliving those experiences right away. Don't pressure anyone to see it, it is very hard to take at moments, being a survivor.
Overall not a bad movie, good acting, I just think they could have delved a bit more into what it's like to be the only young person going to treatment and oncologist appointments, and the question of fertility after treatment. It hints at isolation, but it's like a car driving by at night, you get the flash of their headlights for a moment, but just as quick as it fills the room with its presence it's gone. Unfortunately, with being a young adult going through cancer, isolation is not that fleeting.
Monday, 3 October 2011
Quote for October
A beautiful quote from a wonderful woman:
"I'm selfish,
impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control,
and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
Sunday, 2 October 2011
The Climb continues
Thank you so much to those of you that have donated towards me going to Young Adult Cancer Canada's Survivor Conference! I am at 30% of what I need to be able to pay for my travel expenses to attend. If you can help, all donations over $10 are given a tax receipt! You get to help me meet other young adults that can relate to what I'm going through and you get something to write off come tax time, win-win! :D
CLICK HERE to get to the secure page to donate safely.
CLICK HERE to get to the secure page to donate safely.
Saturday, 1 October 2011
Taboo to say out loud
When did we become a society that thinks it's horrible to have beliefs? We "can" talk about having opinions on heavy weighted subjects like religion, sexuality, and human rights. Try saying or writing down in public that you have a religion though, and watch the fur fly!
As you may or may not know, I am Christian. If you get into specifics, I'm Baptist. No additions to it, just Baptist. I have always tried to be open to learning about other religions and beliefs. I voice my opinion, I listen to theirs. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I believe in the Bible, I believe in Jesus Christ (hence being Christian), I believe in God, and I believe in the teachings of the Bible, like the "Golden Rule" and the 10 Commandments. Let's continue with my rant...
Some people seem to love to attack anyone the says they are Christian. For some reason they immediately start thinking you're going to claim supremacy, demanding they convert to your religion or they will attack you in their crusade. Because all Christians love a good crusade!.. Yes, some people in the past decided to go to war and had their sword in one hand and their other sword, the Bible (it is referred to as a sword), in their other hand and suddenly all people with beliefs in Jesus Christ are crazed lunatics. Forget the fact that the wars that were created for reasons other than what is written in the Bible. Someone mistook something or twisted it to suit their needs and cried out for retribution that was not even required. I'm sorry, I forgot which Commandment said, go forth and kill all that do not think the same as you.
The Commandments are most of our justice system. Things like do not steal, do not commit adultery, and do not lie/say false testimony. And there's common sense things, don't lust over what someone else has, honour your parents, and have a day of rest. Such backwards thinking, suggesting that we should be good to each other! Yes, we Christians sure are a crazy bunch!
So when did it become taboo to say out loud that we believe in a deity that calls himself Lord, the Alpha and Omega? I cannot say, but for me, I remember all through growing up people bashing religion. If you do not believe, fine. That's your right. And it is my right to believe. As long as I don't go around trying to say you need to convert to my religion or I'll hurt you, what is so wrong with wanting to say out loud: "I am Christian." Technically nothing. But having to defend myself every time I say it lessens my hope for society on a whole. We claim that our society is a learning culture, a loving and accepting one, but because somewhere someone did some crime in the name of the Bible that had nothing to do with the Lord's teachings, we are now ostracized.
I remember people talking of Dungeons and Dragons in hushed tones because some kids claimed they had to go out and commit crimes because D&D "made" them do it. Well guess what people, it's called a cop-out. And I assure you, it's not a new concept. Do you really think the kings and nobles didn't think that the best way to get support of their subjects would be to aim at something they cherished, like their beliefs. No, of course not, no higher political power would ever try to use their people's hearts to steer them in the wrong direction.. ever...
Well, I guess this is a full on rant now. Basically, I'm asking for people to stop attacking each other for desire to follow a religion. Now for an image that seems to be circulating like wildfire, perhaps because it's so true...
Some of my personal beliefs:
God has many names.
God teaches love, humans figured out hate all on their own.
Just because you don't believe in Him, doesn't mean He doesn't believe in you.
As you may or may not know, I am Christian. If you get into specifics, I'm Baptist. No additions to it, just Baptist. I have always tried to be open to learning about other religions and beliefs. I voice my opinion, I listen to theirs. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. I believe in the Bible, I believe in Jesus Christ (hence being Christian), I believe in God, and I believe in the teachings of the Bible, like the "Golden Rule" and the 10 Commandments. Let's continue with my rant...
Some people seem to love to attack anyone the says they are Christian. For some reason they immediately start thinking you're going to claim supremacy, demanding they convert to your religion or they will attack you in their crusade. Because all Christians love a good crusade!.. Yes, some people in the past decided to go to war and had their sword in one hand and their other sword, the Bible (it is referred to as a sword), in their other hand and suddenly all people with beliefs in Jesus Christ are crazed lunatics. Forget the fact that the wars that were created for reasons other than what is written in the Bible. Someone mistook something or twisted it to suit their needs and cried out for retribution that was not even required. I'm sorry, I forgot which Commandment said, go forth and kill all that do not think the same as you.
The Commandments are most of our justice system. Things like do not steal, do not commit adultery, and do not lie/say false testimony. And there's common sense things, don't lust over what someone else has, honour your parents, and have a day of rest. Such backwards thinking, suggesting that we should be good to each other! Yes, we Christians sure are a crazy bunch!
So when did it become taboo to say out loud that we believe in a deity that calls himself Lord, the Alpha and Omega? I cannot say, but for me, I remember all through growing up people bashing religion. If you do not believe, fine. That's your right. And it is my right to believe. As long as I don't go around trying to say you need to convert to my religion or I'll hurt you, what is so wrong with wanting to say out loud: "I am Christian." Technically nothing. But having to defend myself every time I say it lessens my hope for society on a whole. We claim that our society is a learning culture, a loving and accepting one, but because somewhere someone did some crime in the name of the Bible that had nothing to do with the Lord's teachings, we are now ostracized.
I remember people talking of Dungeons and Dragons in hushed tones because some kids claimed they had to go out and commit crimes because D&D "made" them do it. Well guess what people, it's called a cop-out. And I assure you, it's not a new concept. Do you really think the kings and nobles didn't think that the best way to get support of their subjects would be to aim at something they cherished, like their beliefs. No, of course not, no higher political power would ever try to use their people's hearts to steer them in the wrong direction.. ever...
Well, I guess this is a full on rant now. Basically, I'm asking for people to stop attacking each other for desire to follow a religion. Now for an image that seems to be circulating like wildfire, perhaps because it's so true...
God has many names.
God teaches love, humans figured out hate all on their own.
Just because you don't believe in Him, doesn't mean He doesn't believe in you.
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