Monday, 9 May 2011

The Worst Part

Hullo one and all.  Today I want to cover something that will not be the same for some cancer patients.  The worst part - for me.

Many may say it's the chemo (it wasn't the worst for me by far!), maybe the surgery (just the thought of going under the knife can be horrifying to some), or perhaps the constant trips to radiation (going in every day and waiting for an hour for a 15 min dose of radiation is soooo much fun), but none of those are the worst for this girl.

The worst for me is the sound of my son crying as I leave him to be cared for by my parents so I can make it in to another appointment or treatment.  He's not crying because he dislikes staying at "Nana and Papa's" house, he loves them so much.  He's crying because he doesn't want to lose sight of me any more.  He cries when I go into the bathroom, if I step outside to get the mail, and the new norm, when I try to put him down for a nap/to go to sleep for the night.  There's been a few nights that I had to stay by his side before he would drift off to sleep.  To know that even at a young age he actually is noticing when I'm gone is both heartwarming and heart-wrenching.

Yes, I know he shouldn't remember all of this in times to come, but it doesn't make it any easier and it's never going to get easier for me.

PS: Going to visit my oncologist on Thursday - terrified as hell as to what he's going to say...

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