Being Thankful

I am thankful:

• For the fact my daughter napped long enough for me to have a bath.
• That my son says "I love you, too" back every time I say it to him.
• Despite money issues, we still have a heated roof over our head and food in the fridge.
• That I have friends that love animals as much as me, and they always try to help them.
• That I have people I could call in the middle of the night and they'd do their best to help me.
• That I live in Canada and the majority of my cancer treatments were covered by our public health care.
• For YACC helping me make friends that understand having cancer and still trying to live a "normal" life.
• That my husband comes home and is happier to be here than at work (even with children wrapped around his ankles).
• That my Dad helps where he can with the house and kids.
• For having my family close by, because there are a lot of people who do not.

Boobs v2.0

I'm anxiously awaiting my next surgery.  This one will be a much "simpler" procedure, they will remove the temporary expander and older implant, replacing them with what will hopefully be my permanent implants.  Of course, I say permanent, but they will be replaced ever few decades to ensure all measures of safety.

I'm finally nearing an end.  After this I may have very little, if any touch ups for the breasts.  I am not getting nipple reconstruction, so that is one less worry.  I am giddy that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I have to say this, breast cancer was not fun by any means but it has given me things to look forward to: end of chemo, end of radiation, and end of surgeries.  Unlike this issue with my back and shoulder from the car accident, with cancer I can feel accomplished, I can feel like there is a finality to this issue.

I am saving my pennies, well, dimes as we no longer have pennies... ugh.., to have a tattoo done to cover my chest after the breasts are complete and my tattoo artist is confident that the scars can be covered.  My hope is to have that completed some time in the next year.  Again, something to try to look forward to.  You have to try to find the happiness in things, otherwise you drown in despair pretty quickly.  This will sound weird, but thank you cancer, for helping me see the good in things, and helping me feel progress in something!

Are You Ballsy?

I want to give a shout out to Thomas Cantley.  He is pushing around a giant 6' inflatable testicle to bring awareness to testicular cancer and men's health.  Many of you know Thomas from his fabulous movement of "I Am Ballsy".  It can be found on Facebook *CLICKY HERE* or on his website *WEB CLICKY HERE*.

Thomas Cantley and the 6' inflatable ball. Photo from I Am Ballsy Facebook page

Thomas already crossed Canada, coast to coast, with this 6' companion.  The newest journey is taking place in the United States of America.  It will be 4000 miles across the country.  Check Ballsy's website or Facebook (links are above) for more information on locations and times.  Come on out and cheer him on!

Here's a video of Thomas speaking with Huffington Post:

Ballsy At Huffington Post 

 

Weight It Out

Of course one of the big hiccups in my life, even more so than cancer, has been the injuries from the MVA years ago.  One thing that has been a big factor in is weight management.  During my pregnancy with my daughter I had hoped I'd somehow find that niche that would allow me to maintain my weight and not gain a significant amount.  Some mothers can do this, even without turning to unhealthy habits like smoking.  Just keeping active and eating as well as you can is what everyone recommends.  That'd be fine for anyone without my injuries, but still I did my best.

Unfortunately, my best turned out to be the same as when I was pregnant with my son, I gained a lot of weight.  Some would say to not sweat it, that with time it will come off, but with me, extra weight seems to mean my back is carrying more, therefore hurts more.  So I stick with what exercises I have been given from physio, do what low impact ones I know do not bother my back, and so forth.  This does make it a slow process.

I try to remind myself that it took me almost two and a half years to lose the weight after my son.  I had finally been reaching a healthy weight for myself when I found out I was pregnant.  That is my goal, a healthy weight.  I'm not aiming for unrealistic or sickly sizes.  I would be a stick figure if I was able to wear a size 2 pair of jeans.  Honestly, if I could even get within a size or two of what I wore when I was fit, I'd be content.

Many may say it is a quest for vanity, to be society's idea of pretty.  I'm not looking at that, however, I'm looking at my health.  Less weight and stronger muscles means potential less pain for me.  It means potential increases in play time with my kids.  It means possible health risks for the overweight may be avoided.  Don't get me wrong, with new, perky breasts on the way, a fit body would be fun and I will enjoy it, but it is not the sole reason by far.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you have extra weight, do what you and your body can.  If you cannot run, walk.  If you cannot walk, try biking.  If you cannot bike, try something new.  Getting up and walking around the couch will not get you far, but you are lapping everyone still sitting down.

Reconstruction update

I've met with my plastic surgeon and I am now greedily awaiting my date for the *hopefully* final surgery.  After this trip to the OR, the plan is to have two permanent implants, fully touched up skin, and begin the healing process.

I must say something that may surprise a few people.  Getting to deal with cancer has given me something to look forward to.  After the accident, losing some of my mobility/abilities, things were feeling very bleak.  Being able to have something to fight, something to see an end to, has helped me.  Yes, having cancer is horrible, it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I've been able to use it to my advantage.

I will not be getting nipples added to my new breasts, I have been very adamant on this from the start.  I will be designing a tattoo to cover my chest.  It holds more meaning to me, and is more my personality than to go through the process to have nipples, again.  Most women are constantly trying to hide the fact that they have erect nipples, I cannot see why I would want to get permanently erect nipples added.  The other option for non-pointy breasts is to get 3D tattoos of nipples.  This isn't in my cards, either.  Despite the fact that many tattoo shops in Halifax area will do these tattooed nipples for free, I would rather something more creative.

More updates as they come.  Enjoy the summer!

Admission of Darkness

I honestly cannot remember if I mentioned this earlier or not, but I've been living with something for a while and never found a way to fully admit it. I've had depression, or at least the specialists are calling it "depressive symptoms".

The fact is since the accident I've been trying to come to terms with my limitations. To say it's hard is an understatement. I went from being completely independent to needing help for what I feel are the simplest things. It's humiliating, really. I'm in my early thirties and need help with getting groceries, caring for my kids, taking care of the house, even driving at times. It opened a door to a misty world. In that world I could see the joy that would happen but the chill of the mist always touched me, always enveloped me.

After finally talking openly about it, I started medication. My friends, family, even specialists are seeing a difference in me. I'm lucky that this first medication seems to be helping without any side effects.

I'm posting this because I want people to know you don't normally know you are getting depressed. The only way to even start realizing out is to evaluate your own behavior in the past. I noticed I was "hiding" from social media, I was avoiding friends, my favorite activities were no longer stimulating, I had even been avoiding sex. My hope is that reading this may reveal a mirror so you can reflect on your own past. If you see that you have been regularly avoiding things or people you love that you talk to your doctor, see a specialist, something. I know for me it was hard to make the appointment, that was part of my depressive symptoms, I had a hard time talking about it, it took a lot to say anything.

I think I'm on the mend, mentally, finally, but only time will tell.

Disability Dolour

My initial realization that I would have issues with my physical abilities for the rest of my life coloured my vision bleakly.  I saw all the things I would never be able to do, all the the negative things I could become.  Would I become obese, extravagantly overweight because it is painful to workout?  How could I play with my children if I'm always in pain?  How can I care for the house if even the mildest of activities brings on agonizing pain?  Experts try to tell you to focus on what you can do, but when the list of what you can do pain free has now diminished to something that could fit on a post-it note, your outlook on the future changes.

Something I didn't expect to be so affected was travel.  Driving has been diminished greatly, but I never factored in how flying and travel outside of my province would increase my pain.  One thing I never thought of: what if a hotel has no baths?  Honestly, what hotel does away with a bathtub and only installs showers??  (Save one "accessible" room.  Only ONE in an 8 floor hotel.)  Radisson on Queens Quay in Toronto did.  I got to see how much I rely on the pain management I get from being able to soak in a hot bath.  I was still in pain for days once I returned home.  Now that I have back issues (and when I say back I include my shoulder.  When you "lay on your back" your shoulders are not excluded) I have to start calling up the expected hotel and demand a room with a bathtub.  Really???

Know what I'm extremely tired of, however?  I mean mentally and physically tired of.  Having to "prove" my pain.  I've seen how many specialists, physiotherapists, etc, and all of them tell me I'm stuck like this.  The insurance companies and lawyers see my records and say: "Go see this new impartial specialist that we hired so we can try to find some sliver of hope that you improved and cannot be considered disabled" "Go see another physiotherapist that will say the same thing but maybe will have a new approach that will miraculously heal you" "Why aren't you seeking therapies that cost you hundreds of dollars monthly so you can feel better-ish?"

Well, let's see...  Every time I go to a new "impartial" specialist, I have to plan care for my kids/home for the day or two after the appointment because the pain doesn't stop the second I leave their office, I'm in agony for 24+ hours.  Forgive me for getting frustrated with your concept of "it's only for a couple hours" or that the pain doesn't affect anything after I leave.  NEXT, no specialist/therapist has seen any chance of this repairing itself, no pill/injection has taken away the pain, and surgery is NOT an option.  And, now for my favorite: money.  We're paying our bills, staying afloat.  I cannot work.  I can't just go out and get a job, even a part time job, to help compensate the extra "hundreds of dollars" that I would need to get more therapies that are not covered by MSI.  Behold the catch 22!  If you want to feel better you need money!  If you need money you need to work!  I cannot work because it causes so much pain I cannot do the simplest of activities at home!  I have pain that makes it hard to concentrate, think, process, but to outsiders "it's just nerve pain".

I'm trying to accept what I can do.  I'm trying to not feel like I'm useless since it hurts to do anything basic.  I'm trying to deal with the hateful glares when people see me use a disabled parking spot.  I'm trying.  That doesn't mean it will not make me feel shriveled up inside, a ghost of the person I was once capable of being.  A shadow of the abilities I once possessed.