Last quote for June

As Canada Day approaches, I leave one last quote for this month.  It may not be overly inspirational, but it is very true:

"Breast cancer is not just a disease that strikes at women. It strikes at the very heart of who we are as women: how others perceive us, how we perceive ourselves, how we live, work and raise our families-or whether we do these things at all." -Debbie Wasserman Schultz

Cancer fighting foods: Shout out to Blue Butterfly

My friend in Ontario posted a great addition to her blog recently, a book and list of foods that help fight cancers.

Here's a link to help you get all the great information! Blue Butterfly's "Foods that fight cancer" post

So click it up! :D

Fertility. Period.

*For those that don't like discussing the processes females go through to be considered fertile, you won't care for this post - you've been warned ;) *

One thing that a young adult faces, that older adults generally won't bat an eye at, is fertility or rather the infertility that can come with cancer treatments.  Often times we're not even given options to conserve some of our fertility before treatment starts.  This was my case.  The word "menopause" became a jaguar hovering over head, just waiting to pounce on me and end my dreams of having at least two kids.

Now, I'm grateful for the opportunity that I had before this to have my son!  But when you had your heart set on something, it can be very hard to face the reality that you may never reach that dream and you cannot do a damned thing about it.  And it doesn't help when a certain doctor kept trying to use my son as an excuse to bombard me with any form of treatment under the sun, thankfully it wasn't his choice what treatments I went on.

Which brings me to the reason I actually thought of this post.  As I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in previous posts I said no to Tamoxifen.  I want to see if I can heal up fully, and perhaps be able to become a fertile female once more.  Well, I am well on my way.  I started my first period since my fourth chemo session, last Thursday.  That's almost 6 months to the day from my last period! ha!  What does this mean?  Well as long as my eggs are still in working order and not harmed by all the lovely chemo and meds, I have the potential to be one of those few "Family After Cancer Treatments" folks...  This lightens the load on my shoulders quite a bit.  Cancer may have taken my breast, and if I have reconstruction before we conceive I won't be able to breast feed at all, but it may not have taken my ability to create more lil munchkins like my boy.

I guess I'll make an acronym out of that, too... lol "Having kids after chemo, that's a F.A.C.T." ;)

Cat pic!

No big long post today, just a pic I think is hilarious from icanhascheezburger.com <3

Mastering Change

 People look at so many things as "bad" and "good", especially when it comes to health.  But the more I look at it the more I see things as both, really.  There is a positive and negative side to everything, a ying and a yang.  There is a reason for it all.

One might ask if I've gone off my rocker since I'm leading into how cancer is not solely a "bad thing".  I look at it as an annoyance in many respects, but there is a bit of a silver lining as well.  Cancer is causing me to make some changes happen quicker than I probably would have without it.  Its making me go out and meet more people that I never would have had the opportunity to meet if I had not experienced it.  Oh, yes, I wish I could have bypassed the chemo, mastectomy, and radiation, the countless doctor's appointments, the emotional turmoil, but they were the cost for all the good I am receiving.  I know my husband is strong enough to help me throughout something as big as this, I know my family will try their best to help me, I know a lot about people that called themselves my friends before all this happened, I know my son misses "mama" when she's not close by, I have become closer to some people that I would not have expected to.

I count those all as blessings.

I do weep for those that could not make the battle, the ones that either the cancer or the treatment claimed.  I wish that we could all make it out the other side of the rabbit hole and say, "I made it!"  But there will always be loss, unfortunately.  And because of this, those of us that make it must hold our heads high and close our eyes, reflecting on the gentle breeze that kisses our skin and holding that fresh air that fills our lungs, we must cherish that we were given passage through the war zone, finding our paths available to be traveled once more.

We will be the masters of our cancer.  We will be the ones to say, "There is no fault of our own for contracting this, but we are the ones who will sail our vessel through the waves and waterfalls, and we will find our shores once more!"

"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." - Sri Ram

More Fragile or Sturdier

I am very surprised by how the mass public thinks those that have or have had cancer are delicate little flowers, like lady slippers, thinking that now that cancer has cut into our lives it will take 7 years before we'll be a proper flower again... (for those that don't know if you cut a lady slipper it takes 7 years to grow back).

To be honest, the car accident I was involved in was more detrimental to my life than cancer.  With the accident I lost a lot of ability with my back and neck, with cancer I lost a breast and my hair.  The hair is on the way back, the breast one day will be reconstructed.  My back may never be the same ever again.

Now I'm not saying cancer is all rainbows, unicorns, and fluffy kittens.  Treatments were annoying as hell, having to find the money to get in and out for treatments and for complimentary medication was an adventure on its own, and then there's any and all side effects of the treatments.

It's just amazing to me that when I was in the car accident a couple people asked if I was okay the first couple months, then they all expected me to be back to normal, but those that hear I had cancer and completed all the treatments, their first question is "So how much longer before you are cancer free?"  Did you not hear me say they took the entire breast and didn't find anything more in the scans/pathology?  Perhaps it's because I lost my hair so they think I'm like Samson in the Bible and lost all my strength the moment my scalp was barren of hair.  Let me set the record straight: I am not weaker because I lost my hair and one boob, I am still the same person.

Emotionally I may be a little weaker at times.  It's a lot to deal with in less than a year.  And there are those out there that may be more physically and emotionally effected than I and I hope that they get all the support and help they need.  But don't count me out as being fragile because I've gone through hell and back.  I'm just being fired into a stronger, sturdier metal.  Cancer is my forge not my crutch.

“Nothing splendid was ever created in cold blood. Heat is required to forge anything. Every great accomplishment is the story of a flaming heart.” - Arnold H. Glasgow

Facebookless

Hullo, I'm going to not be on Facebook for the upcoming days.  Those of you that know the various other methods to contact me (email, texting, bbm, and of course phone calls), please feel free to do so.

One of these days I'll go back... mebbe...

Major rant...

This is going to be a rant.  Straight out, typing till my fingers fumble, letting all the tears run out from behind the monitor, nonsensical at times ranting.  So if you don't want to be bothered with such a post please await the next post on this blog, otherwise, be prepared to listen to the daemons in my heart.

[rant]

I'm young(ish), I have so much that I want to do, so much I planned to do and I'm at a freaking road block.  I'm dealing with so much crap it's unreal.  I lost so much so quickly forget my head spinning, my entire body did a 180° turn, collapsed and began somersaulting...  Stuff happens, I know this.  You lose friends and family members to death, and worse, lies, you lose pets, you lose your health... You lose, flat out.  But to lose so much in less than two years is a weight I was not prepared for in the least.  Ha, prepared.. who would be?  I lose my mobility, my ability to work, my faith in a lot of people, the one girl I thought would stand by me no matter what to lies, another good friend and a dear uncle lost to the reaper too soon,  lose my health, my functionality, financial freedoms, my independence, my body, perhaps my womanhood.. what did I not lose?  Short list but still a good list: I have my husband, my son, my family, a handful of friends I can rely on to actually be there for me, and I am here.

Do I want pity, no!  Do I want hand outs, no!  What do I want?  I want my life back.  It wasn't just cancer, it wasn't just the losses, it wasn't just the dependence that I now have.  It wasn't just one of them, it was all of them.  I feel like the leaning Tower of Pisa, my foundation got destroyed on one side and now everyone is standing back and pointing at me, gawking as I slowly fall over.  A small handful place bags of sand on one side to try to keep me from toppling over but it's a feudal attempt to correct my stance. 

I want to be able to spend some time on the things I love (loved) and have the ability to do them at my leisure.  I want to be able to care for my son 24/7 without my back feeling like its going to snap in half if a feather falls on it, I want to be able to earn an income but cannot even do housework, I want to get my artwork going, I want to be able to do the things I once could before November 24th 4:30ish pm...

And I'm tired of having so many people think I should bow to their will.  I'm not that kind of person.  So you can piss off and go find someone else to try to boss around.  I'm not interested.

I want to closeness I once had with friends and family before all this crap happened...

I want it, but what makes the tears well up, what makes my heart crush into dust, what makes my soul despair is that I know there is nothing -nothing- that I can do.  None of it is up to me.  I cannot do more than I try.  I try to strengthen my body, my mind, my spirit, I try to care for my family, I try to do what I can and it's not enough.  And after talking with some doctors I'm starting to realize it may never be enough.  Am I plateauing?  I might be.  This might be the lifestyle I must come to terms with - and I hate it for it.  I feel trapped in my own body.  Trapped in my own life.


Oh, don't be such a dramaqueen, I'm sure you're blowing it out of proportion!  Well guess what, I wish I was.. I wish it was that simple.  Everyone's life is moving forward at a speed that it should, mine slowed to a snail's pace, being passed my all whom I know.

People start talking about fault and blame, why the hell does there have to be someone or something to blame??  And people like to talk about karma, but fact is bad things will happen to good people, but if you were a good person at least people will want to help you when things go wrong.. At least they'll want to help you if they're not ignorant bastards that are so self-righteous that they cannot see passed their stuck up noses.  I'm not at fault for my back injury nor my cancer, but some people like to place some kind of guilt trip on anything that happens.

Speaking of back, mine is starting to remind me I've sat too long and I must go try to calm the savage injury.  So I go for now... I say this was a nonsensical rant, so don't say I didn't warn you if you made it to the end...

[/rant]

Cheer me up pic

I am frustrated with my posts being messed with, so I started scanning through things that make me smile and found this pic that I must share:

Evil technology...

There's been some kind of glitch and my posts got messed around with their timeline.. Anywho the newest blog post is here: Mask Free Zone?

Enjoy!

Should I laugh?..

If you know me, you know that I have a sense of humour.  Granted, it's pretty much drole humour, I am the victim of my father's humour (shout out to mah Daddy! <3).  Lolcats is one of the best things of all time, to me, I enjoy Family Guy and Big Bang Theory.  So you wouldn't be too surprised to hear me kid about my "condition".

A certain conversation comes to mind:

Person: It was $10 to get to the motel.
Me: Really? It was only $9 for me...
Person: Well you got the Uniboob* discount! (*I'll explain momentarily)
Me: Yup! A dollar off for each boob you're missing! (insert mad laughter here)

Now this is funny to me, and funny things deserve a laugh or a chuckle.  But to some they go pale and start to look around wildly, wondering, "Should I laugh?"

If I can find something humourous about cancer, then by all means laugh with me!  This brings me to the earlier joke.  I have one breast, now.  Whoopee!  Yes, it looks a bit odd, given I wasn't small breasted to start.  So I say to you, "All hail the Uniboob!"  I'm not going to bother with prostheses, I don't want to remember it, and they just feel weird.  I look odd and don't care.  Oh, yes, there's days I long to have two breasts again, I'm a woman, a youngish woman lol, and want to "look pretty and normal".  But until I get the call about reconstruction, Uniboob it is.  I find it amusing.

I told a joke, Lord knows what it was, it was spur of the moment, and people started laughing with me, but then one person looked at me.  Their face went pale and before I know it they said, "Oh, but we shouldn't laugh about that!"  My reply is the same as the point of this post, "Why not?"

Laughter is medicine.  It keeps us sane, it helps you to smile, it makes bad thoughts run screaming, and helps you to cope.  I'd rather laugh at being dis-proportioned now, rather than cry in a corner because I'm lop-sided.

Point being: if someone wants to joke about something, let them.  It's them inviting you to share a happy moment with them.  It's them escaping from their troubles and worries.  So, don't tense up, laugh from your belly, and wipe away tears of joy.

That being said:

Mask Free Zone?

Maybe it was because of stuff that happened when I was growing up, maybe it was just the way I was born, maybe it is neither nature or nurture but a combination of the two, but there is something about me that does not seem to be the norm for everyone.  Many know the concept of people wearing "masks", but generally this is referred to in the same way as "stations" are a part of society.

My mask is not hiding who I am and it's not a front for my true self so much as a barrier.  Time for another analogy!

My heart, my pure self, is a bubble of blown glass.  Highly fragile, dangerously susceptible to being broken, or worse, turned to dust.  Now if it gets crushed, shattered, or turned to dust (as it has on soooo many occasions), it can be repaired and rebuilt, but it won't be the same, it never will be, I never will be.  It gets fired up once more, then carefully and delicately reformed.  So to help keep my heart from being shattered I have a mask set up.  It's a clear material, so you can still see my heart, but cannot touch it so easily.  It's bouncy and stretchy, think of the same stuff bouncy balls consist of.  It's quite jovial, that's one of the defense mechanisms I had installed, I'll explain shortly.  This mask is to protect me more than anything.  It's not to hide behind.

Has anyone fully experienced my heart free of the mask?  Of course!  Did those experiences make me want to be rid of the mask?  Sadly, no...  They're part of the reason I've made the mask thicker as the years have passed.  To quote VG Cats: make it "faster, stronger, less explodie!"

As to the defense mechanisms, why do I need them?  Because people have a tendency to be cruel to one-another, especially if they think you're better at something than they are.  I could draw, I was good at it, I got picked out of the herd of classmates to be ridiculed and tormented.. and man, can kids be torturously evil...  So the main line of defense?  Be quiet... stay quiet, until the second defense can kick in: Get them laughing with you before they start laughing at you.  Yeah, basic, but it's worked now for years.  I want people to think about that.  I'm a grown woman that still knows that if she goes out the door and does not do this she will be bullied and ridiculed.  Feel good now, society?

I've become a good judge of people faking.  And by this I mean all the people that are back stabbing, false friends.  Still a couple slip passed the radar, but I've saved myself a lot of issues (as recounted to me from people that did not believe me when I told them to be careful).

Oh, I forgot about the third defense: don't give a crap.  Now this is the hardest one for me, and I forgot it because at times I just cannot follow it.  But minor things, I can let slide, I can ignore.  Or I can make it look like I don't care long enough until I'm alone and then it will hit me, I'll break down, when I feel safe enough to do so.

I wish I could say that I've found a "mask free zone" outside of my home, but every time I tried before I would have to rebuild my heart and once bitten, twice shy.  I've been bitten so much I swear that I don't have pores in my skin, they're the fang marks I'm left with.

So until I find more mask free zones, or until my heart is forged out of tougher stuff, I will let people passed the barriers only after careful observation and time.

Quote for June

“We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.” - Jim Morrision

Just a quick quote for now.  Thanks for following, I'll be posting more by the weekend. <3