Sunday, 7 August 2011

The reality of it

I want to first say that I do appreciate having someone say, "If you need anything call me" and "If there's anything I can do, honestly, let me know".  But the reality of it is do you really think I'm ever going to?

Everyone has rough times and I don't know if it's just me but I don't call around when times get that way for me.  Maybe I should, maybe I'm just too stubborn for words.  But the bills and the cash flow don't match up so I'll have only one or two meals that day to make sure Archer has three and doesn't go without.  The car is low on gas so I'll avoid leaving the house.  My nights become so restless it's barely called sleep because my heart is off protecting/serving our country, but I'll still get up every day and take care of Archer.  My injuries cause so much pain it feels like death every time I move but I'm still going to make sure Archer gets cared for.  I feel lost because part of me is so painfully evident that it's not me anymore, but I'll still be seen in public.  It's hard to see because the tears in my eyes mask the irises too often.  The thought of going to the house in Sackville causes me to have a tightness in my chest and headaches from the thought of having to deal one more second with those neighbours but I'll still go.

So that's my life.  That's the pain of having to deal with the consequences of bad health and my husband needing to be away.  But the moment he comes home I'll not think once of the times without him.  Hearing Archer laugh as I tickle him will brighten my day for that moment.  Seeing his eyes light up when I ask if he wants to go on the slide will always bring me cheer.  Maybe one day the pain in my back will be gone.  And perhaps I'll look fully like a woman again, some day.  But till then, I guess you're safe from expecting a call from me.  But I do like the gesture.

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